Emotional abuse - what to do?

[Apple848]

Hello, I'm sorry if this a too long. I am just starting to come to the realisation my relationship my be abusive. I am not sure what to do or how I go forward. I feel so angry towards my husband currently and the atmosphere at home is not nice. We have been together since we were 19 both minds 30's now. We have 2 children 8 & 9. I was trying to think of some examples over the years trying to figure out some things..

I worry about asking him to do things with my family - if my brother is having a BBQ or gathering at his house I will dread asking my husband as he gets so angry about doing things with them. This came to a head this summer for my Mums birthday holiday. He refused to go, me and the kids went but he made me feel guilty about it for 4 months. I am very close with my family so will see them most weeks - my son loves seeing his cousin too. Is that too much to see family, I think he thinks they are too involved in our life.

He will come in from work sometimes in a mood, say hello to the kids and ask about their days but completely ignore me. When I ask him what's wrong/why he is in a mood he turns it back on me and says nothing is wrong with him and why am I trying to cause a row.

He ofen undermines me with the kids - I will tell the kids they can't do something but he will question this infront of them. At the weekend I said to my youngest it was ro late to go to the park it was cold and too dark at 6.30 - he then said infront of them "why are you always stopping us from doing things."

He works long hours sometimes into the evenings very late. I gave asked him to raise this at work as it has an impact on the whole family and his response was well you should just be glad it isn't you that has to do the work. I do work full time also so not like I am sitting around doing nothing.

I feel unloved, unsupported and I'm not sure if its me thats the problem. We are never intimate, he never even gives me a hug. I am very snappy with him at the momement and maybe I am making it worse.
Honestly feel so sad at the moment.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm in the process of separating from my emotionally abusive husband, I'm nearly out and it feels so good. It just wears you down and makes you feel so lonely. Definitely contact women's aid and other helplines for advice. It's so hard as it's not something that there is "evidence of" so if you decide to leave be prepared things may get rough for a bit. But chat things through with a support charity like WA, they are great. Be strong, you are so much better than he makes you feel x

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza explained a lot for me, my ex would also give attention to kids but cold to me. Look up articles and videos on emotional abuse, get educated and get clear about his patterns, writing it down somewhere he won't discover it can be helpful if you are confident it won't be unsafe to do so. Also check out Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? Continuing to live feeling so unsupported does wear you down emotionally, mentally and physically, even if you think you will be able to tolerate it, so leaving while you still have some strength is a good Idea. You are young and have so much life ahead of you and your kids will do much better living at least some of their time without being exposed to abuse.