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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm hurt

17 replies

TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 03:21

I'm sorry for the long post but I am feeling hurt right now and I have no one to talk to.

My partner (soon to be husband) has broken me. This may all sound a bit dramatic and as if I am being OTT but please understand that this has been a situation for 4 years now and finally I have reached my limit.

A little back story.... My partner got someone pregnant after a month os being together and because he was in the army, he thought it best to marry her. It lasted a year before the manipulation and toxicity got the better of his and he left her, moving onto camp. I met him 5 months after this and we didn't start a relationship until 2 months later.

I did not meet his daughter for a year (which I am not complaining about) but when I did, it went horribly, he handled it horribly. The last 3 years we have formed a bond of sorts but I do not feel love for her. At best, I tolerate. That doesn't mean I don't bother with her, it means I grin and bare it until I feel comfortable in my own home again. This is not the little ones fault, but her parents.

The BM is highly toxic and has done her best to try and destroy any and all relationships between us all. I have met BM multiple times and spoken to her when I had allowed her to have my number. She would send abusive messages to me when she's drunk so I changed my number and have refused her to have it again. She bad mouths me to her daughter and I know this because her daughter tell me and gets upset that "mummy hates me and calls me nasty names" because she thinks I am nice.

I offered to have their daughter last week as BM was ill and dad had to work. BM asked me to have her so I moved some shifts around so I could help. It was thrown back in my face when I brought up the fact that their daughter was upset that her mum calls me names (daughter had been crying about this). BM threw a fit and called her daughter a liar and told me to "take it with a pinch of salt" and to "stop being petty and get over the past". This is not the main issue, this is my life and I expect nothing else from BM. My issue is how my partner reacted then and since.

My partner was upset about how BM reacted and the fact that BM then blocked his contact for a few days. He asked me if it was time we maybe look at getting his weekends and holidays in writing so she can't go back on them (as she often does if she can't get her way). I was incredibly relived as I was sick and tired of all this drama al the time. We talked about setting up mediation and what he should discuss in mediation. Well, 24 hours later he rang me and said that he doesn't think its the best thing to do and couldn't give me a good enough reason why other than him being worried about how BM would react. I called him spineless and hung up. I has dealt with this drama for years (there is so much more I haven't typed, such as faked cancer, miscarriages and strokes) and if he choses to allow this to go on then thats on him, but I cannot keep going through this. I have another 13 years before she turns 18 and I can't do this until then.

I raised with him how I felt abut the whole thing and how, if he wants me to be with him 100% then he needs to consider me and my feelings too. His response was that I should support and back him 100%, but where is my support and backing? I supported him for 4 years. He also said that they are a package and that I should such it up if I want to be a part of it. I understand that they are a package deal, but after spending 4 years with him and agreeing to marry him, I thought I was a part of it too? He has since acted as if nothing is wrong and is expecting me to organise his daughters party this weekend and bake her a cake while he does nothing but pick her up. I have also bought her presents. I am hurt that he will not consider me. How does he think we can marry and have our own kids together when he can't even stand up to his ex and do whats best for his child and considers his wives feelings?

I have heard that step-mums are sometimes ridiculed on here but I am just here for relationship support. I am not trying to be her mum, that ship has sailed.
This may also seem petty to some of you but understand that some people have limits and I have reached mine.

If you made it this far, thank you! Sorry for such a long post but I needed it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 03:26

Sorry for spelling mistake, I am rage typing.

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 02/11/2022 03:30

This sounds really tough.
At first reading I thought you sounded unfair using the word tolerate for your step daughter but actually on further reflection and hearing how little support you get from him I'm not surprised and I don't blame you.

Relationships are a two way street and he needs to start prioritising your relationship and your relationship with his daughter than keeping the peace with his ex.
You shouldn't have to deal with her crap and she needs to respect that you are someone in her daughter's life who is here to stay. And that requires him to step up.
That said I'd start thinking about if this is what you really want. Ultimatums rarely work but maybe it's time to draw a line in the sand and give him one.

BuddhaAtSea · 02/11/2022 03:32

If I was in your shoes (and I was), I would get out of this set up, swiftly. It’s their mess, nothing to with you.
you might love him, he obviously doesn’t. Move in and be happy.

BuddhaAtSea · 02/11/2022 03:33

Move *on

Ekátn · 02/11/2022 03:37

I would move on. This won’t get better.

and your ‘tolerating’ will quickly turn to resentment if you have your own kids with him. It won’t last.

You call her his wife, is he still married? Why hasn’t he got divorced?

Why are you doing everything for his child birthday? Yes, be involved but why is it all down to you? I think he is just looking for someone to parent his child on his time. He has no intention of sorting any of this out.

It’s a mess you would be better off out of.

Delilahonabike · 02/11/2022 03:45

This scenario plays out on the step parenting board on here on a regular basis OP, as it has for me and others in my family. Fathers essentially allowing themselves to be held to ransom for fear of upsetting their ex and losing contact with their DC and making their partners (and often younger DC's with that partner) lives a misery as a result.

The solution is indeed to formalise contact with a CAO but that in itself comes under 'upsetting the ex' and they can never seem to see that it's worth the short term pain in order to not be constantly scared they'll lose their kids if they don't do what the ex wants.

What you have to decide OP is how long you're prepared to hang around having your life dictated by an ex that isn't even yours. With the benefit of hindsight my advice would be to set a time limit on it and stick to it, if he won't see reason and get the CAO you should probably be seriously considering whether to stay in this relationship, 13 more years of this is a really long time.

Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 03:49

AnuSTart · 02/11/2022 03:30

This sounds really tough.
At first reading I thought you sounded unfair using the word tolerate for your step daughter but actually on further reflection and hearing how little support you get from him I'm not surprised and I don't blame you.

Relationships are a two way street and he needs to start prioritising your relationship and your relationship with his daughter than keeping the peace with his ex.
You shouldn't have to deal with her crap and she needs to respect that you are someone in her daughter's life who is here to stay. And that requires him to step up.
That said I'd start thinking about if this is what you really want. Ultimatums rarely work but maybe it's time to draw a line in the sand and give him one.

Thank you.
It's not that i don't want a relationship with her, it's that both parties have made it as hard as possible that I just gave up on it. Me helping them out was me trying and it was thrown in my face. Myself and his daughter had a lovely time until her mum called and caused an issue.

I don't get the support and now feel like there is no point in me bothering to force something there. I have had a quick chat with him tonight (we are both at work) and said that we need to have a serious chat. I've also made it clear that I am not sure what I am going to do about all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 03:53

Ekátn · 02/11/2022 03:37

I would move on. This won’t get better.

and your ‘tolerating’ will quickly turn to resentment if you have your own kids with him. It won’t last.

You call her his wife, is he still married? Why hasn’t he got divorced?

Why are you doing everything for his child birthday? Yes, be involved but why is it all down to you? I think he is just looking for someone to parent his child on his time. He has no intention of sorting any of this out.

It’s a mess you would be better off out of.

I meant wife as in the future sense (me) They are no longer married.

I'm planned her birthday at first because I am trying to do something nice and I fell that if I didn't, then we wouldn't. Just as I am planning our wedding pretty much alone.

It is very uncharacteristic of him to not consider my feelings which is why I am so hurt. It's only ever this way when it comes to BM and daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 03:58

Delilahonabike · 02/11/2022 03:45

This scenario plays out on the step parenting board on here on a regular basis OP, as it has for me and others in my family. Fathers essentially allowing themselves to be held to ransom for fear of upsetting their ex and losing contact with their DC and making their partners (and often younger DC's with that partner) lives a misery as a result.

The solution is indeed to formalise contact with a CAO but that in itself comes under 'upsetting the ex' and they can never seem to see that it's worth the short term pain in order to not be constantly scared they'll lose their kids if they don't do what the ex wants.

What you have to decide OP is how long you're prepared to hang around having your life dictated by an ex that isn't even yours. With the benefit of hindsight my advice would be to set a time limit on it and stick to it, if he won't see reason and get the CAO you should probably be seriously considering whether to stay in this relationship, 13 more years of this is a really long time.

I have looked on the step parent board but I am new to this site and not sure I was looking for what I wanted.

I don't live in fear of things like this, I like to get things done but he is the opposite. He is also heavily influenced by his father who thinks he should bow to the BM's every whim because thats his child's mother. He does not have a mind of his own or a spine to stand up to people and it is frustrating.

I want to tell him that I cannot marry him if things don't change. I need to feel that he takes me and my feelings into consideration if we are to be a team. I don't want to be stuck like this in a marriage.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 05:41

I cannot keep going through this

Then don't. This is what he offers you, and that's up to him. He could choose to do things differently, but he won't, and that's why you're hurt: because he's refusing to give you what you need in the relationship.

If you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to meet your needs on a major issue, you're deliberately staying somewhere that makes you unhappy. Take responsibility for yourself, instead of trying to be responsible for everyone else.

ABJ100 · 02/11/2022 05:56

He's been waving big red flags to you from the moment you have met him. Your choice to keep on ignoring it. It won't ever get better. This isn't going anywhere. You deserve a healthy and loving relationship, this isn't it. You're chasing a man who clearly puts you at the bottom of his priorities.

Ekátn · 02/11/2022 05:59

You can tell him you dont want to marry him unless he changes. He will promise change. Might even change for a while.

Its a cliche, but when people show you who they are. Believe them.

Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 06:02

I want to tell him that I cannot marry him if things don't change

Never try to change anyone, or their behaviour or their responses. You're not in charge of anyone but yourself.

Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 06:06

Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 06:02

I want to tell him that I cannot marry him if things don't change

Never try to change anyone, or their behaviour or their responses. You're not in charge of anyone but yourself.

I want him to change the situation, to see my side of it and do something about this horrible woman. I just can't understand why he suddenly doesn't care what I think or feel.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 06:18

I want him to change the situation

By changing his responses. See this as it is. He wants to do things one way, you want him to do things another. He resists. You're trying to change him, rather than accepting him as he is, and making your choices in accordance with that.

Original poster
TiredStepMum89 · 02/11/2022 08:06

Leaving him or not, he still need to and change this unhealthy situation. It's not fair on anyone involved, or more importantly his child. If he needs to change to do what's best for her then so be it. I'm just hurt in this whole thing

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 02/11/2022 08:18

I am in your situation with one key difference- a supportive partner. We have one rule and that is accept the reasonable and reject the unreasonable from his ex. We both hold ground when she is unreasonable. Contact is only via him and mainly by text so there is a paper trail. We have got contact written up by a solicitor, it's not legally binding but it feels official. Then we try to live our lives without the drama she creates. Which isn't always easy. The first few years it was hell, no boundaries, she ruled the roost, she tried on many occasions to interfere with our relationship. But now since these boundaries have been established we have a much calmer environment.

You need to get him on side, you are not the enemy and if he can't see the destruction having no boundaries causes then I would walk away as it isn't going to get any better especially if you want a family too.

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