Domestic abuse or am I too sensitive?

[Mumof1andfurbabies]

This may be a silly question but how do you know if it’s domestic abuse and not just being too sensitive about things?

im not sure if it’s me that’s the problem here

If one of your friends was in the situation how would you advise her?

That’s exactly why I went to therapy, it was emotional abuse.

If you need to ask then something is definitely wrong . Can you give examples?

What would happen if you asked them to stop?
Could you imagine them doing it to anyone else?
Is it something you thing your friends would say yeah, me too if you discussed it?

Whatever it is called it is clearly uncomfortable for you so it needs to stop…

Constant name calling, brat, selfish, head up my own a**, stuck up, controlling
being accused of talking to people on social media and keeping the fact I’m in a relationship a secret because I don’t post a lot of things
being told I don’t work hard enough to get paid (I work with him as his labourer)
had a go at if I buy my 9 yr old something and not his kids (I have my boy 50/50 with his dad, and his has his kids every other weekend)
calls my boy a bully
he tells me I’m too sensitive and I need to get over myself I often have a cry when he says that
constant threats of leaving me or tells me it’s a dead relationship
if I say no to taking him somewhere (he doesn’t drive) I’ll be told I don’t do him any favours but will run around for my own family (he says every other c*)
says I should of back on my antidepressants because I’m over emotional
I’ve stopped being intimate recently as I’m just felling really low and he always makes comments about it or if I say no he will just keep going on and on about it or start playing with himself and tells me to roll over (if you get what I’m saying I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say)
he lives in my house I’ve tried to ask him to leave before but he will go out on a 3 day bender make it feel like I’m being the unreasonable one he threatens to take everything I’ve got tells me if I leave him he will make sure I don’t have anything.

he has been on drink and drugs before and smashed up my car

that’s just some of it without giving an even bigger essay.

now I’m writing it I feel silly.

Get the bright sky app. It is very helpful. Sending love OP x

Well he’s just a awful fucking man who has power over you at work and at home.
He sounds controlling and a bully.
You’re not overly sensitive.

That sounds horrible, OP, and yes he sounds abusive.. But also it doesn't matter what we think or whether he's abusive according to some official definition- if you are not happy you can leave.

He's a nasty, abusive bully.
You've got family, will they back you up and help get him out?
If not, call the police if he refuses to go. They will help see him off.
And stop working/slaving for him.
You can't allow your son to be exposed to this behaviour without you doing something about it, you are responsible for your son's well-being. Put on your big girl pants and kick this loser out. He might shout and scream and make threats, he might even get violent, that is why you need back up when you do it. Do it for your son.

If you are unhappy, for any reason, you can leave.

FWIW, I doubt anyone would be happy with what you describe

This is not being over sensitive OP. This is an abusive and unsafe relationship.

but just for the future, so you know, even if it wasn’t abusive, You can still end it. Someone doesn’t get to tell you you’re being “over sensitive”. You feel how you feel. If you’re unhappy in a relationship you don’t need reasons or explanations. You can end it without justifying yourself.

However this partner, he is not a good person. This isn’t normal or healthy behaviour and it’s not something you have to tolerate.

there is help out there, maybe start with womens aid? Or do you have a family member or friend you can confide in? Perhaps book an appointment with GP and tell them what is happening at home?

You may not feel strongly enough to leave or end things immediately but if you start to face up to what he is doing and you speak to someone openly and honestly about it, you will build the confidence to end it.

good luck x

He is abusing you and your son. In your house. You need help to get rid of him.

He's in her house.

So she needs help to get him out.

You do not need that in your life, regardless of what the term is, you do not need any of that negative stuff around. Just no

You are NOT too sensitive! This is abuse.

im not sure if it’s me that’s the problem here

nope you’re not the problem, it’s definitely him. But I can see why you question yourself as that’s what abusers do, they make us doubt ourselves and question whether it’s really us that’s causing the issues.

can you trust anyone else to speak to for help irl? He needs to go!! Nasty person.

Please find the strength to leave this controlling abusive wanker, please. For you and your son. Even on your own you will be so much more at peace and stress free.

thank you for your replies. This is actually the first I’ve spoken about it it’s kind of a relief I’m not going crazy.

I do think sometimes I make things worse because I have argued back or giving the silent treatment, I have tried sticking up for myself but somehow I’m always the one for feeling bad and guilty?

I know it’s not an excuse but I am worried but what he will do if he goes he threatens to leave me with nothing. What does that mean? How serious do I take that? I don’t know I’m all over the place.

🤷🏼‍♀️ I’ve been sleeping on the sofa to try and get some space lately but that just has its own backlash I just can’t think straight.

can you speak to woman’s aid online? I don’t have any free time to speak on the phone. I’m not sure I’m ready for that but as an option maybe?

I don’t have any friends either and I’m really not comfortable telling my family. If I do and he finds out I’m just not strong enough to deal with whatever that brings.

on the surface everything is fine, he is a different person in front of people. It’s really confusing

I started reading the catalogue of faults you apparently have or crimes you have committed and could not believe after a few lines. How awful for you. No one should've to listen to that bullying

Protect your poor son and get rid of him

I feel bad enough as it is. I’m not purposely doing this

my son doesn’t see all of this, I feel bad because I’m sure he can see I’m not happy but I do try to hide it as best I can. My son goes to his dads every other day.
my partner isn’t always like this, it’s when no one is around.
that’s why I also think are people going to believe me when everyone thinks he is really nice?

Hey mum of one - You’re not alone. I’ve got one of those and I can seem to get rid of him. I’ve left him three times because of his behaviour and he literally brings it back on me every argument we have because, without reason taken into consideration he can make my actions sound like ‘my fault’. He’s literally spent all evening shouting at me for buying him 2 shirts for his interview tomorrow that didn’t fit him. He shouts at my kids without reason. He made me have an abortion because he ‘would otherwise make my life a living tragedy when our spastic kid pops out’ (his words)’. Why do we stay with them? Because we’re good people who have trust in other people that they are not really like that. We have grown to love and trust people, but unfortunately you can’t help some of them. We have to leave because they’re a detriment to our mental health long term. I’ve learnt not to listen to him when he lashes out and I turn a deaf ear. I have a friend I confide him who he doesn’t know about because if he did he would have head. There are nice people I talk to at work, I don’t need to wonder if it’s him or not because I know it’s him. I record our argument on an app on my phone that’s pretty discrete. If it helps you, I’d download GOM recorder and get some arguments recorded, go to the police station when you’ve built enough evidence and go from there. I’m busy too, I’m working on getting my own place and busting out but like you, I’ve got to time it right to avoid too many repercussions from him. I’m working on it.

He is abusive in so many ways. Your son will be affected. If it’s your house he needs to leave. Get police help if necessary.