I saw my ex fwb when I was out on Saturday

[MeowwandAnder]

I met him in my thirties, and it was always my goal to be a Mum. He wanted children too- 3. Only he had time on his side, and I didn’t. This was always the unspoken elephant in the room - but bloody hell I have never fallen so hard for anyone in my life.

So we had a very intense fwb relationship and it was just heartbreaking. We’d see each other while looking for the partner that suited what we wanted from life, but I really fell for him - I have no idea what he felt for me.

I met DP - and he wasn’t bothered about becoming a parent, but was willing to give it a go. I think his ambivalence in the reason why I now have 2 children. I need LOTS of ivf - and it is a miracle that I have them. Unfortunately the ambivalence has continued through parenting - and although we get on (ish) - he just works and rarely gets involved with the children. I’ve pretty much accepted this as I was so thankful to ever have them.

Ex fwb has had one child and his partner left him for a while - they got back together, but partner adamant no more children.

when I saw him on Saturday - he asked me if I have regrets. I said I don’t really see the point in having regrets, it doesn’t change anything.

i don’t know why but it felt like a loaded question. Was it? Did I make the wrong decision, could we have had a very happy relationship had I not been so intent and practical about having children? Did the intensity of feeling that I had for him ever mean anything?

he Was in the pub, we chatted outside, I was a bit drunk. I have no intention of ever contacting him again -I love my kids.

I mean, yes it was a leading question and a pointless one as you're both in relationships so don't be giving it too much headspace. He probably just wanted to stir up a bit of the attention he used to get from you.

I don't get why you never made a go of it though if you were both single and wanted the same things? Doesn't that tell you that it wasn't right?

You have the choice of making the best of what you have at home, working out how you can do so, or leaving. Don't be going down rabbit holes of wondering what might've been/ looking ex flings up on social media/ sending a quick message after a drink or two/ emotional affair.

You didn’t make the wrong decision, you made the right decision for you at the time and it lead you to your children. If you’d have stuck it out with him you wouldn’t have them, do you regret having them? You don’t have to stay with your DH if you don’t want to though, there is no reason to be in an unhappy relationship forever if he doesn’t even bother with your kids.

I feel for you, OP. It can be very painful thinking about what might have been. Maybe it would have worked out, maybe it wouldn't. There's no way of telling.

But in the present, you have two DC -- you had to strive for them and you love them. You just have to focus on that real happiness, not one you might or might not have had if life had gone differently. Best of luck with it all.

Thanks for your brilliant responses - you are both right.

We did make a go of it - which lasted two days. I was being such a shit at the time, and was coming out of a long distance relationship. I arranged a flight to see the long distance man, and ex fwb understandably broke it off.

My whole drive was : I’ve got to have kids before I’m too old - in favour of how I truly felt. I decided to be extremely practical and see my feelings, and probably anyone else’s - as completely arbitrary.

I detected a sadness from him - and I wondered if I’d been an utterly ruthless bitch

Why does putting your needs and wants (a secure relationship and children) before his needs (something casual until he meets someone he wanted to have children with) make you a bitch?

He sounds like he is either fishing or wants his ego stroked.
He had his chance with you and he didn't want it. I doubt he has regrets, sorry.

You put your needs first that’s a good thing. He was attention seeking and hoping you would say it was all about him! Good answer by the way!

I wouldn't know what to say if I was you but your doing the right thing.

I don’t get why things played out as they did. You both wanted kids, you got together, then you booked a flight to go and see an ex (so ostensibly were going to travel to cheat on the FWB/boyfriend?) no wonder he dumped you if that was the case. If you had feelings for him why didn’t you stay with him and start TTC? Or did he not want kids at that time? I’m just not understanding how the desire to have kids ties in with going to see the long distance guy.

So you agreed to make a go of things with the fwb but then immediately tried to hook back up with a man you had just ended a long distance relationship with? Yeah, you didn't treat him well. That doesn't mean you owe him anything now.

@TheHappyLoser he did want his chance though, it was the OPwho decided not to pursue it and chose to chase after another ex (although still seemed to want him to stick around)

That was a very loaded question. Maybe he's reminiscing, maybe he yearns for the old days, maybe he's unhappy, maybe he just wants an ego stroke. Regardless, there is no point in dwelling on what might have been. It will drive you crazy and detract away from real life and what you DO have.

Thanks for your replies. I think I’d already booked my flight, and he wanted me to cancel. I felt I needed to go to break it off with the other guy. I think. We’d also got into some sort game playing previously, but that should have stopped when we agreed on a relationship. I was maybe still game playing.

I really cried after Saturday. And the regret conversation was more like : him “do you have regrets” me: “there’s no point because it doesn’t change anything - I’d still have the same regrets now, 10 years ago and in 10 years time”. Him: that sounds like a Sam Beckett play. And then he said I reminded him of a character in the Mike Leigh film Happy Go Lucky. So rather than looking him up on social media - I looked up what he meant. And it’s just upset me more than any social media.

there is absolutely no point dwelling on the past and I am so bloody lucky to have what I’ve got. But I think I made practical choices over my feelings, and I was very selfish.

Are you happy with your husband OP? You don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship if you don’t want to (especially if he’s not that interested in his own kids!)

That's it the last is in the past.

Your situation has made me think of someone. You don't need think of the what if this or that. Think you were meant to go down the path you went down.

But if your unhappy work it out or talk to your current partner.

My whole fertility issue means that I went through about 10 years of ivf, miscarriage etc, being told I only had very small chance of it working etc. Now I have my children, they are my absolute world - and I’d never rock any boats. So unhappy isn’t a choice - this was my miraculous goal.

He’s definitely not abusive - just pretty absent.

And the long distance guy I mentioned? I’m pretty sure he gave me a silent STD in the early days of our relationship. I had cystitis on and off - for about 2 years which I never sought out doctor’s advice for. Hence my need for fertility treatment. I never tested positive for an STD - but only got tested when I began treatment. I think I’d maybe cleared out the infection - but my tubes were damaged. Is my hunch, I was never officially told - other than my tubes were damaged probably due to an STD.

@MeowwandAnder

Everything happens for a reason. Something's definitely not meant to be.

While you took me back to Fwb guy they wanted like 5 and then it stopped between us I did develop feelings. But funny thing is I had fertility issues thought I would never be able to have another child. If my FWB friend came back in my life think they be pretty shocked to know I expecting.
Nothing is to regret when you finally have children even if your not the greatest of relationships.
Just focus on them and don't have contact with him.

@MeowwandAnder

5 children already they had 1 like myself

@Ithurtbad

Thanks for reply. I do think my whole FWB situation was because of my age - that I probably wouldn’t be able to have the 3 children he wanted.
But then it turned out that I had 2. And part of me felt a horrible sense of - well I DID it in the end, despite your doubts. If indeed those were his doubts. I expect they were.
But I hate that I’m thinking that way, it’s not some kind of competition.
And he did nothing wrong, if my goal in life was to have 3 children - I wasn’t a good bet at all.

And thank you - you are very right about the children. They are so precious. And if we’d ever tried - he would have run a mile - as soon as I found out I had damaged tubes. DP was not so bothered either way - which is maybe why I have them. God life is complicated!!

What would you have done if your current partner categorically didn't want children?

This was him pressing the button for a dopamine hit, and testing if he still has you on the hook in some way. He knows you really fell for him. If you don't know how he felt about you, then he maybe didn't feel the same.

We do what we do at the time, with the information we have. Of course your children are precious, and that can exist alongside an element of grief for the feelings that you don't have with your husband, which seeing this guy again has kicked up.

The One That Got Away is a thing!

And blimey @Ithurtbad you wrote “everything for a reason” and that’s the title of a song by Carina Round that I’ve been listening to on repeat all week…

If he had said categorically no to children, he’d have been booted off - I was that ruthless

agree - I think it’s also an element of grief for my youth too. Except I was so bloody confused back then, and I have my purpose now