Chronic illness and sexless before 30..

[EmotionalSunshine]

I'm brand new here, and I didn't know where to put this, sex or relationships, so hopefully this is OK..
I'm in a same sex female relationship, and have been for nearly 9 years. Although we would love to, we don't live together, as we can't yet afford a house and we both live with our parents.

My partner has a chronic condition which has impacted her life massively. She spends most days in pain, and sex would definitely cause her pain. We havent done anything sexual / intimate in maybe a year, and before that, it was a year too. I don't want to cause her pain or push her to do anything she is uncomfortable with. But I really would like some kind of sexual relationship. Some kind of intimacy. It was a big part of our relationship before, and now I don't feel like she is attracted to me at all. She's not interested in my body at all.

We've spoken about it several times - I've explained that even if she doesn't want me to touch her, maybe she could touch me. I've explained how it makes me feel. She apologised and said her condition had left her with a lack of sex drive, so she wasn't even thinking about sex at all. I completely understood, but reminded her it was important to me. And absolutely nothing has changed.

Is it unreasonable for me to be upset by this? Is it something I just need to let go of? I feel guilty for feeling frustrated about it and could really use some advice from others in a similar situation?

Thanks so much!

You are way too young for this.

This seems like a very dull relationship, are you turning into her carer?

You don't live together, you have no intimacy, you sound like mates rather than lovers.

Ah this is so hard.

Of course yanbu but equally, if she's so unwell and in so much pain it really isn't unreasonable that she might be unable to act like this at the moment. Chronic pain really does leave seem people withdrawn into themselves and unable to engage.

I'm not sure what the answer is im afraid, but I have enormously sympathy for both of you

I suppose if there's unlikely to be any change in her condition anytime soon and you're unhappy in your relationship then you will at some point consider whether the relationship is right for you in the future.

Is there any hope of improvement in your DP's condition OP? You say you'd love to live together, but realistically, it sounds like what you can look forward to from this relationship is being her carer and having no intimate life at all for the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Because it's not what most people would want. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that it's the opposite of what most 20-somethings want from their lives.

You can still be friends (which is what it sounds like you are now), but you don't have to tie yourself into this sexless relationship forever. You have choices. So don't blindly walk into a life full of duty and no sex unless that is really, truly, honestly what you want.

Hopefully the condition will get better with surgery at the end of the year, but it isn't a guarantee. It'll also be with her for life, so she will go through life with a lot of ups and downs. She can do everything for herself, it's really just pain that impacts her life, which causes a lot of anxiety for her. She's in a worse position than me, she lives her life in pain, and has previously voiced feeling guilty for always being poorly in our relationship. So she feels bad about those things. It would be like a punch in the face for me to say that I couldn't continue in the relationship because of no sex.

It's really got me thinking, is sex and physical intimacy that important? I feel like it is for me, but then I feel guilty for feeling that way!

I suppose I think, if we've managed to go on holiday and she has enough energy or can push through for that, why can't she push through for me? Or make space in our relationship for intimacy? Am I being totally unreasonable?? I just don't know.

For background info: Aside from the lack of intimacy and sex, we are very close. We often say we're like the same person. We have a lot of fun together, and really enjoy each others company. From the outside looking in we're like the perfect couple (except we're not).

It's really got me thinking, is sex and physical intimacy that important? I feel like it is for me, but then I feel guilty for feeling that way!

Don't feel guilty for feeling that way. Romantic relationships don't have to revolve around sex, but it is an instinct and people can feel very deprived when they don't have that physical intimacy. It's not just the sexual release - masturbation can take care of that. It's that special emotional intimacy that forms when you have sex with someone you love. It's what help gel couples together.

Was she ever really interested in sex. If it were me with a chronic condition, maybe I would be more focused on trying to feel well generally, but I would mourn that part of my life.