When does not wanting sex become withholding sex?

[WarrickDavisAsPlates]

Im not really sure how to phrase the question, but over the years on mumsnet I've seen a lot of threads about mismatched sex drives/ loss of sex drive and I've seen people say that "you shouldn't withhold sex" or that it's even cruel to withhold sex.

However, I was always under the impression that no one should be forced, or feel under pressure, to have sex that they don't want to have.

I can't get these two opposing ideas to make sense in my mind. How can someone not feel forced to have sex when they don't want to without being cruel and withholding it?

Maybe I'm being too black and white about it (sometimes I can be) but at what point does not wanting to have sex become withholding sex? Also, how many people would want to have sex with their partners knowing that they were only enduring it for your sake and didn't want it at all?

I think there’s plenty of people out there that have sex they don’t really want in order to keep their partners happy, but they won’t all feel violated, or that there’s no benefit to them. In much the same way that people don’t want to do household chores but they do it because they know it benefits other people in the family who they love.

If sex drives are truly mismatched, then nobody wins. Both parties lose.

I don’t think people who won’t have sex with their long term partners have any right to complain when an affair happens regardless of whether it’s because they’re deliberately withholding it or just don’t want it.

Exactly. What sort of man is going to put up with years of no sex just because you don't want to?! Medical/serious mental health reasons are different and it must be terrible.

I'm female and I wouldn't put up with my husband saying for months on end "I don't want to" for no good reason.

Oh, I do just want to add to this that obviously there is a time frame when "addressing the issue" is concerned. I would expect someone to show willing, even if they were very nervous/embarrassed etc and it would at some point lead to addressing the issue and hopefully solving it/gaining clarity etc.

In my last relationship I stopped wanting sex for a number of reasons including sexual coercion, verbal narc abuse, lack of support, exhaustion due to non sleeping child and refusal to acknowledge a rape I experienced previously as rape. Once the emotional connection has gone I find it almost impossible to get it back. All he saw was me being unwilling to have sex, wouldn't acknowledge any of the reasons behind it.

Indeed. I think communication is absolute key and is probably the deciding factor in a lot of relationships. Someone simply saying "I don't want to" for months/years on end and refusing to speak about it isn't someone willing to communicate and resolve the issue in their relationship, and it would lead me to question whether they actually cared about the relationship at all.

First you need to look at why you don't want to. You don't have to share it on here , but at least look at it yourself. Is there anything that can be worked on? Is there anything that could be changed,either in your routine or with how sex happens/is initiated?

Then you need to communicate that clearly to your partner so you can both work together on it.

If you ever have sex ,even when you're not in the mood, do you get in the mood? Do you enjoy it?

You definitely don't have to have sex if you don't want to, but that doesn't mean your partner has to subscribe to a life if celibacy. He has the right to walk away if he still wants/needs sex.

That's a bit harsh isn't it? To not want sex instantly equals hatred rather than tiredness, stress, illness etc?

I dislike the concept of withholding sex and all the blame that goes with it.

If someone wants sex but their partner doesn’t, the onus is on that person to decide whether they would prefer to be in a sexless relationship or to leave. The partner might want to try to get their libido back, explore their underlying reasons etc but the onus is still on the person who wants sex to decide whether they are happy with the relationship as it is, or not.

For me I think the reasons for lack of libido would be a mix of still breastfeeding, so feeling touched out/ feeling like a slave and taken fir granted around the house/ general depression/ life just being quite shit.

I think for me to want sex a lot of non-srx related things would have to happen to get my mental state back to a better place.

If I have sex that I don't want then no I don't get in the mood at all. It feels awful, violating, upsetting. If I'm not in the mood I will get zero enjoyment out of it and just feel disgusting, hurt and depressed afterwards.

Although in my case I do feel I've been quite open about my lack of sex drive and reasons behind it, so I wouldn't consider myself withholding in that respect.

This seems to be so common.

Sometimes I wonder if men need it written out in black and white and diagrams on a whiteboard to get it.

Then you have guys come here and write they have no idea why their wife doesn't want sex with them anymore. They claim to do their fair share with the housework and child care.

Then they act so surprised when their worn out exhausted wife decides to leave.

• For me I think the reasons for lack of libido would be a mix of still breastfeeding, so feeling touched out/ feeling like a slave and taken fir granted around the house/ general depression/ life just being quite shit.

I think for me to want sex a lot of non-srx related things would have to happen to get my mental state back to a better place.*

Ok that's totally fair enough and definitely not withholding. Is there anything that realistically can happen to help with any of that? Some paid help around the house, he does more , you getting some real time to yourself, the opportunity to spend some nice time together alone (without the expectation that sex will happen) , see your GP (about your depression) etc?

If I have sex that I don't want then no I don't get in the mood at all. It feels awful, violating, upsetting. If I'm not in the mood I will get zero enjoyment out of it and just feel disgusting, hurt and depressed afterwards.

That sounds awful and it's not the way to go. Definitely stop. It will only breed resentment,make you feel awful about yourself and deepen the chasm between you too.

I dated someone briefly who would withhold all sex and affection when he was in a mood. So I'd get comments like, don't expect me to kiss you now. We'd share a bed but unless I lay there rigidly and no pa

...No part of my body touched his, he'd get up and sleep somewhere else.

Definitely wasn't that he didn't want to. He just wanted to punish me for having a different point of view to him.

That's withholding, I think. Not wanting to is a completely different thing.