If you want children, mid 30s, how would you handle this in a new relationship?

[Animalism]

I am 36, have wanted a family with the right man for ages, but haven't had any luck finding someone I've been a genuine good fit with until about 4 months ago. Obviously it's extremely early days but I can see myself having a future with this man for many reasons.

I ascertained straight off (we met OLD) that he wants a family, he does, also marriage. He said ideally he would like to be in a relationship 2 years before TTC so as to get to know each other and have quality time together. All makes perfect sense.

Obviously I don't want to start pushing or anything, and we do speak openly, but I am aware that if things work out, this will take me to 38 before TTC. I don't want to get to that stage and him say 'well actually, I'm not sure' or 'I've changed my mind'.

Does anyone have any thoughts or experiences around meeting someone at a similar age or older and keeping these discussions moving, I suppose like checking in at appropriate times that he feels on course for this with me, rather than bringing it up every day?

Obviously I fully understand how new we are, and that it isn't even a done deal that we will even work out. I have no intention in making this the main topic of conversation and could actually quite happily spend an indefinite amount of time having fun and getting to know him as we enjoy each other's company and do so many nice things, but of course time isn't necessarily on my side to do so.

I suppose I've had a bit of an unusual relationship history- a lot of happiness but also a lot of trauma. I've often picked men where there's some distance, either logistical, cultural or just one of us not being that engaged. Whilst I've never gone short of dates, options, boyfriends, even love, I just don't have that normal experience of meeting a man who lives down the road, getting on brilliantly, moving in, engaged, married, planned pregnancy (in either order). Tbh I want all of this but just don't really know how to handle it or have the conversations.

To be clear, he doesn't make me anxious. He's been very open. It just simply is the timing. I have been genuinely concerned about missing the boat regarding children. I was actually considering either settling with someone who loves me but I don't feel anything more than friendship for, and working on building feelings; or sperm donation.

Sorry for the essay, I'm really asking for advice on the practical approach. Just helps me sometimes to write out the full details.

I think you're at risk of sounding like you're with him just because you want children. Of course that's not the case but at 4 months I wouldn't keep talking about it. I would be a bit freaked out if a guy I was dating kept bringing up the topic of children at 4, 6 or even 8 months in. He's said he wants kids, you also want kids, if he changes his mind sadly there's nothing you can do now to prevent that from happening in the future.

Is he a similar age to you? I think both of you will know far sooner than 2 years if this is "the one". Fair enough to wait to TTC but I think you'll need to make a firm decision/commitment within a year.

I think at 36 I’d set myself the 2 year deadline to 38 and put it to one side in my head as much as possible, but I would also use that two years to build a nest egg and make enquiries about sperm donation if you’re open to that as an option. Then if after the 2 years he backs away from TTC, end the relationship and immediately move to TTC via sperm donation. That’s just me though. I have a friend who is 35 and not currently seeing anyone, she’s simultaneously pursuing dating opportunity and, in the background, laying the foundations for conceiving via sperm donation if no joy on the dating front in the next few years.

What other milestones would you want before TTC? The most important one is probably living together. Maybe wait another couple of months, do Christmas and meet each other’s families, then see how you both feel about moving in together?
Do you want to be married before having a baby? How would you like your finances to work? Part of that conversation should happen when you’re discussing moving in.
Can you plan a holiday together? Book something for a week in each other’s company all the time, as soon as is doable work/money wise. It doesn’t need to be a super extravagant trip, the goal is to check you like being with each other all the time.
Basically break down ´married with two kids’ into smaller relationship milestones and press on with those. If he won’t meet your family or plan a holiday after 4 months it’s not a great sign. If he won’t discuss moving in together soonish then the 2 year time frame is unrealistic.

Thank you all, this is all fantastic advice.

That's a really reassuring way of looking at it, oddly, that if he changes his mind then it's not something I can pre-empt or do anything about. There's no protocol that i don't know about. I quite agree that bringing this up constantly when he's said what he wants in principle would be inappropriate and off-putting.

Yes, similar age, just 1 year older. Similar views, background and general pace of life if that makes sense too, all his friends are single, only just settling down or have maybe 1 baby or toddler (same as most of mine) so it's not unusual timing for him not to have settled yet if that makes sense.

Making provisions for sperm donation in case it comes to that is a good idea. I would like to be with this guy long term just because I like him so much and being around him makes me so happy, but if it came to it, I would regret not having given myself the chance to be a mum.

Milestones- really good point and we have done a lot of these. Weekends and trips together, meeting friends and family, slightly longer trip planned for around Christmas. It's this kind of thing, keeping it moving which it feels like it is, without sacrificing spontaneity and having a great time together.

I'm actually not too fussed about marriage myself although it would be nice.

Dp is older than me plus he's had the snip. So once we knew this was serious and not just a flash in the pan we formulated a plan pretty quickly. Covid interrupted that schedule somewhat, however, we're now TTC 3 yrs on.
If you want something you must both be on the same life plan schedule, don't hope, make it happen.

Four months is so early to be pushing for commitment and plans to TTC. I appreciate that you don't want to waste time, but in all honesty there is no way to fast track getting to know someone. The old adage 'marry in haste, repent at leisure' is very apt in this case. Rush into things at your peril. But yes, a holiday together, i.e. enforced 1-on-1 time to see how the two of you get on when 'living together', is one way of seeing how you get on when it's just the two of you. I honestly think you need to give it at least a year though - right now you're in the honeymoon phase and it's really hard to be objective.

I'd say the big things are:

• good communication;
• trust;
• a similar view of the future i.e. it matters less where you both come from, much more where and how you see yourselves living in future;
• similar attitude to finances;
• whether your want DC or not and how many and whether you'd consider IVF or other interventions or not if natural conception doesn't happen;
• what your attitudes to child raising and education are;
• kind, considerate, pulls his weight around the house and in the relationship in general.

Thanks, more great advice that I really appreciate.

Yes it's definitely not about rushing. I suppose I'm just aware of time and wondered whether I was doing the right things.

We've actually touched on all of your points maranella except IVF, either directly or in conversation. No sticking points have jumped out, obv it's very early still.

Thanks, that's lovely to hear! So glad how things have worked out. I think that's right. Try and enjoy this, not worry too much