Regret having children

[Mumofsons87]

Two boys age 2 and 5. Currently getting 5 year old onto waiting list for ASD assessment. Yesterday was a challenging day at home, just one of those days. Baby wouldn't nap, wouldn't eat dinner, kids fighting non stop. Etc. Etc.
Last night after i got kids to bed OH says they are his two biggest regrets in life. He has made statements like this twice before .
Is this normal? This seems like a completely dramatic response to a relatively normal day with small children. Both of whom were planned by the way and as I always wanted children I waited for him to give an un prompted green light to TTC so essentially they were his idea.
It makes me want to go completely nuclear on the family, honestly think me and boys would be happier on our own when he says things like that but I have some trauma from my childhood so find it hard to gauge if my own response is reasonable.
But this doesn't seem right to me. How could anyone say that about our two beautiful little boys, who are the best thing that ever happened to me and make my life complete.
But perhaps lots of parents feel this way and he is just being ( too) honest ?

Have you asked him why he keeps repeating it?

Ask him what he wants to do about it. Tell him that the kids aren’t going away, so he needs to decide. He either gets on board, and educates himself about ASD, or he moves on.

And it sounds about normal with a 2 year old and a 5 year old.

Last night after i got kids to bed OH says they are his two biggest regrets in life.

It's not terrible to think this, although it's a huge shame. But it is terrible to say it.
Once they are here, you just have to knuckle down and get on with it unfortunately.

No i didn't but i will tonight, I had a tough day yesterday too and he just made it even worse when he said that last night it just shut me down tbh and the 2 year old doesn't sleep well so I just went to bed with him then as he woke up. I will speak with him tonight. I just feel annoyed that I even have to make any effort to manage his emotions when I carry 95% of the load with the children as it is because of his limitations and high needs for personal space. Tbh I think he needs an ASD assessment too.

This is how I feel about it, i can understand feeling that way but saying that to me of all people just transfers that to me and now I've 3 difficult emotionally charged people to live with. Like I am constantly having to manage my children's relationships with eachother and also with him. It's too much.

It is too much, you don’t need him adding to your load.

It’s probably that if a child has asd
a parent does too

I split eventually with my ex as my eldest wasn’t in a good way and my ex was triggering it

turned out eldest was asd and is now dealing with some major issues post split

im also learning about asd myself , and still learning

what I’ve realised is as hard as it is - handling asd as a single parent is easier as it my rules and I’m the one handling ECHP , Camhs etc

my concern is that if he can’t handle this now
how is he going to be when things get harder ?

the problem is that some (not all) dads /parents will deny asd and deny their own traits

no easy answers here I’m afraid

Agreed.

Parenthood isn't a choice once they've turned up. You've just got to get on with it.

But yes, I do think that regretting the life choice to have babies is far more common than a lot of people care to admit.

But yes, I do think that regretting the life choice to have babies is far more common than a lot of people care to admit.

I'd agree with that. I've know quite a few men, and women, who freely admitted that they saw parenthood purely as a responsibility, something that had to be dealt with whereas they got far more from their job/careers.

Hmm I don’t agree with these responses at all! I’ve seen loads of posts on here from women who say they regret having children one was posted just the other day and they get nothing but sympathy no one says they are terrible for feeling that way!

I don’t think it’s terrible to say it, he should be allowed voice his feelings and if he can’t communicate honestly with his DP who can he tell? If he was confiding in his parents/siblings/friends no doubt people would be saying that was wrong and he shouldn’t be going outside the family unit to discuss it.

I feel like a stuck record on AIBU but this is another that (for me) boils down to what he's like the rest of the time?

Is he an otherwise geneuinely nice and loving person who, therefore, might be understood to be struggling with this one thing. In which case an honest and supportive conversation might be the way to go.

Or is he a bit of an arse and this is just an example of another thing he's done or said that is a bit ? In which case, less kid gloves and more home truths might be in order - along the lines of 'you helped make these kids, now you step up and help parent them'.

Sorry just realied this isn't AIBU!

I think it's common to have regrets.
A couple I know have a boy with asd and the associated needs (quite severe)
Both have expressed regret to me.
"If we knew, we wouldn't have had a child"
They get on with it, but mourn their old life.

It’s not uncommon that people regret having children. You see it on here a lot, and it’s being discussed more in real life.

Your husband probably sees you as his closest confidant. If he can’t be honest with you about big issues, what’s the point?

Hmm

I think without support a lot of child rearing is boring frustrating and so annoying side-tracking whatever you really want to do for majority of the time etc

I think now lots of kids have special needs / neurodiverse and majority of baby boomers grandparents don't want to grandparent much and childcare is so so expensive and all parents have to work FT (in south east anyway) it can make for very hard parenting experience

There's research as well showing 2 boys is the hardest parenting combo

Often as ASD kids get older it gets socially more isolating as regular kids exclude them and don't want them around , meaning adult parents have less friends or no social circle ie no one to go on holiday with

Tbh I wouldn't blame him. I'd get more support for kids if you can - find someone local who can have them some weekend afternoons at home and make sure you two regularly go oh in the evenings etc.

I love my kids. They were desperately wanted and I'm a good mother (most of the time!). Mostly, I'm delighted we had kids, they're brilliant. Sometimes, life with small kids is hard and I regret being a parent and miss our old, responsibility free life. It's just part of being human to have these different feelings, surely?

Update for you all. The second I sat down on the couch last night after bedtime he said "I didn't mean what I said last night in the kitchen, I shouldn't have said that I didn't mean it". So I am happy with that. Thank you all for your response I have taken it all on board and in hind sight I am glad he says these things to me and not the children or people outside the home.

Its just another reason I suspect he may be on the spectrum though as most people wouldn't say things like that and not mean it, and I take everything literally especially when its in response to me saying "today was a rough day."

I should also say he too has an enormous amount of childhood trauma much more than me and i atleast recognise my own, his mother was emotionally abusive and spoke to him this way all the time so to him it may seem normal to say this to me but I've always let him know its not and will continue to do so.
I give him copious amounts of space to meet his needs for quiet etc. some people would call it pandering to him but I am practical to a fault And realistically what are my options:

1. allow him to retreat to his quiet place when things get loud and busy downstairs, do the bulk of childcare, keep the family together, boys get quality time with both parents and no parent misses out, I am around permanently to diffuse any highly charged situations and I get to stay with the person I love.

2. Seperate because he is incapable of giving 50/50. Miss my children half the time, miss my partner, Worry about how he is coping with the children when I am not around, financial stress, children missing their parents and all the upheaval that comes with that.

I have a lot more control in situation 1 so will remain here.

this sound so hard, but hear what your saying about why you don’t want to separate

Considering he's now said it three times I'd say he probably does mean it. People should be allowed to voice these feelings rather than keeping them pent up inside. Anyway what can you do? Once they're born you can't stuff them back. Got to get on with it. I hope you both find a way to muddle through.

Option 3:

Your husband understands that the cycle of abuse from his own childhood is a big risk. He can get some counselling and therapy to properly deal with his feelings, he does a parenting course to learn how to manage young children properly. He finds ways of soothing himself whilst still parenting - classical music, singing, taking the children outside for fresh air etc. He needs to step up and vow never to say those words again, and appreciate how damaging it is to a child that feels unwanted.

Do not martyr yourself op by doing it all, whilst he has 'quiet time' - that will lead to resentment and contempt in a few years, and burn out.

Take option 3

Maybe he didn't realize how tough it would be adjusting to fatherhood.

As tough as it is he should look at the positives.
Maybe you need to show him the positive of have these two little boys.

Do you think because one be assessed for ASD and finds the behaviour challenging.

You have to do what is best for you and children. It's not easy having little ones and he seems to have thought it be easy. It's life and not fair he now regrets them they will devastated to know his thinking.

Talk to him first he might need to chat to someone even go to a group for dads struggling to enjoy fatherhood..like he got postnal depression.