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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you knew…

12 replies

Pandabear50 · 31/10/2022 20:57

My DH is very happy to blame me for his eternal happiness. So much so, he had an affair and blamed pretty much it’s entirety on me making him unhappy. But he still is frequently unhappy and grumpy but of course would blame it on me. Tonight, I decided to go to a quick exercise class, out of the house for say forty minutes. He had played golf yesterday for five hours and we both were with DCs at home today as off. I come home from class to a barrage of complaints, too many trick or treaters, to dog didn’t behave, my DC hit her head when going to see trick or treaters, the dog needs walked. He was so annoyed with the trick or treaters, I came home to our treat bag just sitting on the door step. I keep my cool, try to bolster children. He makes another comment about the dog and I say well I’m home, if you wish you can walk the dog. He’s gone and it’s bliss. We’ve answered the door to three trick or treaters, had fun and all’s calm. I’ve just come to the realisation, it’s not me. 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandabear50 · 31/10/2022 21:03

Sorry, that should be eternal unhappiness. Also, dog situation could be easily solved with simply closing a door or putting him in his safe crate.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2022 21:06

You don't have to live like this, and you should have gotten rid of him when he had the affair.

Onwardsandupwards25 · 31/10/2022 21:11

It’s draining when someone is negative or just complains a lot, I agree with the above post about leaving after the affair. Is he like this a lot?, it’s you who has the right to be pissed off, he went off to play golf for hours and you nipped out to do a quick class and he complained when you got back, as you say their was a simple solution to the dog

DatingDinosaur · 31/10/2022 21:19

Yes it's ALL your fault that trick or treaters came to the door. On Halloween. How DARE you allow such a disruptive intrusion when you're out?

He sounds like a knob.

category12 · 31/10/2022 21:27

He sounds like a miserable shit and nasty prick. He could have at least made the effort to make things fun for your children. What a crap dad.

And he's also a cheating miserable nasty bastard, so he's a crap partner too.

I think you'd be happier without him.

ChillyMoo · 31/10/2022 21:32

It was the same with my stbxh. In fact he would literally rage at being asked to walk the dog once in a while.....

Without him around, the dcs and I are relaxed and at ease.

He too had an affair. Two in fact. Plus so much anger and a bit of physical violence.

And of course I am to blame for all his bad behaviour. Just as you are, op.

It's not you. Get rid of you can. I mean, we are facing poverty as a result of the divorce but we will be ok and it's totally worth it.

Quiegal · 07/11/2022 07:09

Pandabear50 · 31/10/2022 20:57

My DH is very happy to blame me for his eternal happiness. So much so, he had an affair and blamed pretty much it’s entirety on me making him unhappy. But he still is frequently unhappy and grumpy but of course would blame it on me. Tonight, I decided to go to a quick exercise class, out of the house for say forty minutes. He had played golf yesterday for five hours and we both were with DCs at home today as off. I come home from class to a barrage of complaints, too many trick or treaters, to dog didn’t behave, my DC hit her head when going to see trick or treaters, the dog needs walked. He was so annoyed with the trick or treaters, I came home to our treat bag just sitting on the door step. I keep my cool, try to bolster children. He makes another comment about the dog and I say well I’m home, if you wish you can walk the dog. He’s gone and it’s bliss. We’ve answered the door to three trick or treaters, had fun and all’s calm. I’ve just come to the realisation, it’s not me. 😔

I think you need to understand he had an affair how you allowed him back I don't know.

You need to ask does he miss the OW because why he had an affair in first is important to find out why.

While I don't condone the affair there is two to make a marriage work. What did she give him you did? Has anything changed since you found out about the affair. Are you spending more quality time together? Does he still love you or did he fall in love with her?

I am not defending him but get to the bottom of unhappiness if I your not making him happy tell him door is there. Both people need to work at it. Admit what could change to make things better.

Otherwise you both be miserable and not fair on children.

Meltingsocks · 07/11/2022 07:13

@Quiegal are you serious? And - are you ok? You sound very repressed by the patriarchy

Slothmomma · 07/11/2022 07:32

What did the ow give him that you couldn't 🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣 some men have affairs purely because they can.

Quiegal · 07/11/2022 07:51

@Pandabear50

I meant both need to make a marriage work..You probably have given him everything.

But men get easily bored constantly need entertaining not condoning it honestly.

Him staying got to be because he wants to not for the children not to ease his guilt.

You both need counselling for him to understand the affect on you. Plus you to understand why it happened from his side.

But if he just wanted his leg over and used them still not great.

I think if you cannot forgive him then it has to end.

At the older age I am I become to understand men more. I feel for you@Pandabear50

I am happy for you if you both can work through this as long as he changed and understood what he has done. You both can learn something here. Hopefully it make you both stronger.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2022 07:59

Pandabear50

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Why did you take him back after his affair?. For the sake of the children?.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one as you are doing. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

What are you both teaching your kids about relationships here?. This is NOT the relationship model you want to be teaching them. He continues to play the Big Man here whilst you act as a serf whilst additionally trying (and failing) to protect your children from his emotional abuse of you.

Fireballxl5 · 07/11/2022 08:02

Well if you’re going to stay then just learn this phrase.
Oh dear, what a shame, never mind.
And then get on with your day.

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