The family home....giving it up

[Botoxbotox]

I'd really appreciate any advice as I'm in a tizz.

I've instigated a split from DP, but I genuinely can't leave immediately due to the cost of living crisis, I need to up hours at work and it's a bit of a process.

I'd assumed we'd sell the house and split the equity and both buy something smaller, but he's said he'll keep the house and buy me out. I'm so panicked....Will the dc always see that as their house and my place as some sort of temporary accommodation? The family home is quite plush, I'll not afford anything like it, will they always just want to be at their dads as they'll have so much more there?

Please be kind, I'm all over the place with it all really, although I've wanted the split it's still not an easy process.

Can you buy him out instead?

@Quitelikeit no way, he'd be the higher earner of us by a mile.

As always, get legal advice. People on here can only share their own personal experiences, which are not going to be exactly like yours and so are not going to have the exact same outcome.

Well you don't know how the equity will be split or how much there is.

Pension valuations, earning power, supporting his career, time out of career, how many DC, length of marriage they all influence the settlement figures.

It will be nicer for the dc not to lose their home altogether and if he can afford to buy you out I can understand why he’d want to. The split will be difficult on your children wether or not their Dad keeps their first home, their Dad having a new house won’t make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things.

Splitting up the family will always be hard on the DC, I think it'll be positive for them to only have one new house to get used to rather than two.

Regardless of how "plush" the family house is, and what you'll be able to afford on your own - your DC will see anywhere with you as "home" for them.

She doesn't say they are married, in which case only the house is relevant.
I'm not sure the kids are that bothered about the house. How are your relationships with the kids, do they get on well will both of you?
Name change fail?

We're not married so there'll be no splitting of pensions etc, just the house.

I'd assumed we'd have 100k each to start again, but him wanting to keep the house makes me feel like he'll be the "main parent" and has unreasonably devastated me.

@pog100 yes name change fail 😩

Hi, I'm splitting with my husband too, I've bought a small 3 bed terrace and he's keeping the large 4 bed family home with garage. However I don't think kids see size as important, if it's a loving home and you are there, and they have their routines and some familiar stuff around them. We haven't actually moved out yet, but I will over the next couple of weeks. It's so hard, but so long as you make it a home it won't matter that it's new/smaller etc. X

Plus, mine will be cleaner, less chaotic and way less emotionally unstable than our family home with all of us together was.

I wouldn't be worried about the kids thinking the house is more their home than yours and as others say it will probably be easier than 2 new homes.
Working out a valuation at which to buy you out could be a problem. House values could be about to hit some volatility and valuations have always been subjective anyway. Take professional advice from an estate agent or similar in the local area to make sure you aren't losing out.

OP isn't married @creideamhdóchasgrá
Half the equity is all she'll walk away with.

It reads as if she's reconciled to that, but is more concerned about the emotional attachment to the family home.

OP - you will make a new family home, You will fill it with love & peace, & your DC will NOT view their home with you as "temporary accommodation"!

@creideamhdóchasgrá it would have been very helpful if they were married but they aren't. OP knows very well that half the equity and child maintenance, if not 50:50, is what she will get.

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled Missed that :( sorry@Botoxbotox.

Thanks @pog100 Missed that :( Asked Mumsnet to remove the post so as not to confuse things and apologised to @Botoxbotox

@creideamhdóchasgrá don't worry about it, you were only being helpful, I go off half-cocked on here all the time, it's easily done ...
I only mentioned it in case it engendered a rabbit-hole of marital advice from PP seeing it & assuming OP is married.

Op when my friend split with her husband he kept the house and she moved. Their boys were 50 50 (2 older teens near moving out. 1 still in late primary years )

Ffw 10 years he is still in old marital home. Has almost nothing to do with the 3 boys who all are grown men now but close to mum and her new husband. Mum has moved recently. 1 of the boys have 2 sons of his own and they spend lots of time w grandma.

So no him staying in the family home doesn't = the kids always sees that as home.

It's also about bonds. Love and time.

Thank you all for your kind messages, it's given me some perspective.

Of course it's better for the dc to have some stability, and keeping their home is a positive I guess. I just hope he isn't an arse about wanting everything to remain in the house and dc ot being allowed any of their treasured things at my house.....he's not a monster but relationship break down tends to bring out the worst in people.

We really are stuck for a few months anyway until the financial shot show settles down. But trying to be positive if he buys me.out technically I'll be chain free and in a fab position to buy something won't I, silver linings and all.

You could be in a great position yes, but remember buying you out would usually mean paying you half of whatever equity is in the house, not half of what it's valued at.

@DosCervezas yes I get that, but the equity seems to be changing daily, we'll have to see if we can tolerate eachother for a few months maybe until things settle down.