Visiting my DM shreds my nerves & I lost my temper

[MissMarplesNiece]

Elderly DM lives with DSis & her family. I visit 2 days each week & spend all afternoon & evening there.

This week I felt tired & under the weather but went anyway. DM chattered on with what seemed like a stream of consciousness, for hours. BIL's brother lives there too & I find him very irritating - he constantly taps his feet, makes inane remarks about everything & deliberately tries to wind people up. And to top it all my mothers dog wouldn't stop yapping - just standing in the middle of the floor yapping, yapping for 3 hours.Nothing seemed to pacify him.

In the end I lost my temper - shouted at the dog and went home. I feel so guilty - sad about my sister who puts up with this & I want to support her, but it's shredding my mental health.

The following day I felt so tired & ill. This is a pattern and I lose 2 days a week in trying to recover what seems like an emotional/mental battering from DM, idiot BIL brother & yapping dog. It's physically demanding too - trying to get her in & out of the car because she wants to go out, her holding my arm because she refuses to use a walker etc. I've got pain in my arm from where she was holding it as we went round the shops over a week ago.

I'm due to visit tomorrow but am already feeling anxious about it. I know that the dog will pick up on that so he'll be more barky.

I think I'm writing to get it off my chest but also to ask for advice. Thanks.

Good grief, op, I feel like a wreck just reading that, but you actually have to deal with it. I think you need to take a huge step back and/or make a plan for visits that doesn't batter your mental health. What about bringing your mother over to your home and visiting there?

Could you take her out or to your house? A change of scene might do you all good

I live in a flat above a shop (cue Pulp record 🙂) and she would need to walk up 12 steps. She can't manage a kerb so going up steps would be too difficult. I do wish that she could come over, we could do stuff that I know she'd like - a bit of cake making, for example.

can you go to a park where they provide wheelchairs?

i would have gone mad at the dog too, and shut it out of the room

Sadly once it starts barking it doesnt matter what room it's in.

Couldn’t you take your mum and the dog for a walk?

Re the walker, you have to tell her she must use it as she's hurt your arm too much leaning on you. It will be hugely upsetting for her, but walkers are used for a very good reason, she can take a rest and use the seat any time she needs it (I'm assuming it's one with a seat compartment).

The rest, sorry, I don't know what you can do about it. But it sounds awful.

Oh dear OP. I think you go out of a sense of duty and go give your sister a break? I feel for your sister who puts up with that all the time apart from the time you spend with your mother.

Perhaps it would be easier to ‘act’ like you are a professional career. Go to the house with a plan. Ask your sister for ideas about where to go to escape BIL? . Do practical things in your sister’s house that might help her during the week. Cook together with your mother. Read or watch tv together. Bring her to the hairdressers? Drive to a scenic location? Bring art supplies and see if she will paint. I think changing your mindset is key here. That is not a criticism. I’m very familiar with how you feel before, during and the exhaustion you must feel after the visits.

• carer

Sorry my post is full of typos.

Sounds very exhausting. Can you have a week off from visiting once a month just to have some time for yourself. Or see if there is a local council run day place where you could go out for a coffee without steps. She does need to use a walker and not your arm.
You cannot pour from an empty cup - so make sure you look after yourself too.

Is there a day centre nearby? You could maybe do an activity or just have tea and cake.

Oppressive for everyone - take ur mum out of the house for a cuppa or a drive. And stop feeling guilty.

A yappy dog would absolutely do my head in- It is an awful noise.
I have quiet breeds because I can’t bear yapping-
I’d imagine the dog gets very little exercise, and bored dogs BARK!
Could you maybe take the dog out, that will at least get you out of the house?
Your mum has to not be so proud and should use a walker- She’ll do you an injury at this rate.