Best way to confront him

[Makemedoit]

So Ifound incriminating messages on his phone yesterday. I have taken some photos etc in case he tries to deny it and am just trying to work out the best way to confront him. I really don’t want to hear him trying to offer some pitiful explanation and had thought of just messaging him telling him what I have found and that I don’t want him to talk to me about it as I am not ready.
is anyone able to offer any advice.

Do you want to leave him?
Or will it depend on how he reacts when told what you know?

If you plan to leave him anyway then I wouldn't even bother telling him what you know. Just get your ducks in a row, then go. Speak to a solicitor about next steps if you are married.

When I found out my dh had been deceitful - not cheating - I actually ended our marriage by text as I couldn't stand to hear him trying to talk his way out of it! I (text) told him I could never believe a word he said again and he needed to have left before I got in from work.

He was gone when I got home.. The twat even took back my birthday presents but the best gift was he was out of my life.
I filed for divorce that day.

I am not yet sure what I want.

I sort of want him to know that I know. I was using his iPad yesterday and found the messages. I left it open on the messages so would it go those when he turned it on this morning?

I want him to know I know but don’t want a massive scene and I can’t work out what I want to do

It depends on whether you live together / are married

If you don't live together then I'd send him screenshots of what you found with one word "Bye" then block him, delete his number and focus on moving on.

Obviously a bit more complicated if you share a house, bank account, marriage.

If you can manage without a confrontation you don't really want to have, do so.

As you wisely say - what's the point? You know what you need to know now, & don't need to be subjected to his bluster, or denials, insincere apologies ... the usual Script usually involves recriminations too - if ONLY you were a better wife, he wouldn't have had to cheat!

So why not keep your knowledge under your hat until you've seen a solicitor?
You have far more important things to do that have an ugly showdown.
You'll also feel a lot stronger & more in control once you've assessed the marital assets & worked out what your share could look like.

In the meantime - here is solidarity, support, & even some (grimly dark) humour to help you through it -
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

www.chumplady.com/archives/

Personally, until I knew what I wanted to do, I wouldn't say anything.

If you're not planning to leave the relationship, think about what your next steps are towards a reconciliation.

Do you want couples counselling?

Will you start policing him?

It's best to enter these situations prepared and to know what your end game is.

Yes more complicated as we live together and I would need money from house sale to be able to move on.

yes really don’t want to listen to grovelling excuses and empty promises

Just leave and get free and clear. Then have a conversation telling him why.

Yes desperately trying to work out the end game

I need somewhere to live until house is sold and I am
not in a position to be able to afford this

I'd avoid the massive scene. Leave and then when you're safely away with all your stuff tell him you just don't fancy him any more.