The cathartic feeling of writing a letter I'll never send to my Narcissistic Mother - anyone else done this?

[yourunhappinessisnotmyproblem]

I don't know why I am feeling sad today. I probably need counselling but I don't have the money for it at the moment, so instead and to sort of 'purge' the feelings I have and take away the power from my Narcissistic Mother, I have this afternoon written the letter I will never send to her. Mainly because there is no self-awareness from a narcissist. I feel better. Has anyone else done this? I think maybe it's because the half term is at an end and I am angry that I never enjoyed the school holidays because it meant I couldn't escape her. Maybe it's as my Daughter hits the milestones I know I hit with no support but I know I have broken the cycle. I am a good Mother. I feel angry that someone would do that to their own child. The constant spiteful remarks, drumming into me that I was not worthy of friendship or attention. That I wasn't 'pretty' (whatever that is). School at least was my refuge.At school I was able to research the things a Mother should tell you about but didn't because I 'wasn't old enough'. Periods, puberty, relationships. I was aware that other girls mothers talked about these things. Keeping me in the dark was power to her. So I thank God for Judy Blume (who I used to wish was my real Mother). She didn't work, controlled the family finances but didn't do anything all day long except smoke and watch the tv. She never learned ro cook, The house was unclean and Untidy so I never felt as if I could invite anyone as I was embarrassed by it all. Plus she would try and show me up in front of anyone. My Dad was a lovely man but was her enabler. I feel angry that he didn't stand up for me more. Back in the 80's there was minimal social services intervention but even then I think that the Teachers knew and provided me with confidence, reassurance and kindness. I am grateful for those cheerleaders I had because without them I think life would have been unbearable.

My letter ends with 'Your passing sparks no feeling of loss, only relief. You will not be missed'. Anyone else want to add in how they would sign off the letter to their tormentor?

I too have written a letter to someone I needed to explain a spectrum of hurt feelings to. Someone who stamped on my heart, gave me massive anxiety and panic attacks & destroyed my self esteem.

Every time I tried the spoken word, tried to have a adult conversation, I was shut down, suppressed, disrespected with aggressive body language, made to feel neurotic and told to “leave things be” because they had moved on and I must too.

Writing my letter was so cathartic and from time to time I read it to myself. It felt empowering to draft it and I redrafted it several times as thoughts came into my head, better ways of expressing myself & so on. I found better phrases and more descriptive words to say what I needed to say. So cathartic.
As things are now I’m unlikely to need to send it but it’s there with my private papers & if needs be I’ll send it sometime & shoot them down in flames with my excoriating description of the trauma they caused.

My modus is to play a long game & hell hath no fury like this woman scorned!!

@Idontdoyoga I totally share the feelings of empowerment after writing it. And yes to drafting to get the language just right. My Mother lives in fear of being exposed as a crap parent to me I think. She is always telling anyone who will listen about what a great Mother she was. She wasn't.

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship and well done for breaking the cycle. That's a great achievement and you have come so far already.

I too have written that letter. I actually did even send it later as a WhatsApp message. My Mum read it, and then .... ignored it completely. Didn't even acknowledge it. I was low contact and now I'm no contact. I was initially very hurt that she didn't respond to it - but then I realised that is no different to her usual behaviour of completely ignoring my feelings and making everything about her. I feel a bit better now that she can never pretend that she only acted that way as she didn't know (her usual excuse for everything). I guess it has given me a form of closure.

@Haysmiths Well done you for sending it. I was no contact for a year then my Mother became ill and I got sucked back in. Mainly for the sake of my Father who has now died. I really wish I hadn't and she has told so many lies since I returned contact. How do you think you'll feel when your Mother passes away? Will you go to the funeral do you think?

I to have written that letter to my daughter who has hurt me so much, but I doubt very much I will send it..I couldn't hurt her that way.

I too got sucked in when my Mum became ill. I realised I felt pity for her than love or compassion. However, a major life event happened to me, and I realised that she, my DF and DSis were the same toxic people that I didn't need in my life. My friends, DH and my DC were my rocks during a very bleak time in my life and showed me once again what love really is.

I am not sure whether sending it was a good idea. I felt deeply upset and let down that my Mum didn't respond to my message and pretended it didn't exist. I also had a frank conversation about everything with my DSis but she flatly denied everything and has never contacted me either since. They are all deeply religious and maybe they weren't ready to accept that someone could think of them that way and that I called them out on their very unreligious behaviour. However, I've accepted that you can't change people or their behaviours but I can choose how I react. Instead, I surround myself with other positive people.

I found having a really good therapist has helped me too. I have tried to talk about it with a couple of close friends and DH but tbh they don't really 'get it' as they all come from stable and loving family backgrounds. This is where the therapist helps as I thought for a long time that I was odd/different/weird etc

Just to add. I think when I wrote the letter and sent it, I was looking for an apology, a hug, to be told that I was really loved and that they would do their very best to change things. Of course, it never happened and I was bitterly disappointed.

Empathy here. People don't get it as they think family must love family. Not so. I found this author better than counselling. She had a podcast and is on Facebook.

Thanks @RiverSkater i’ll check that out.

Sherrie posted this today:

Monday Mindset
So many of us erroneously believe that to heal we must directly confront our family members. This is not true. Our love never mattered to them so why would we think our words all of a sudden would?
When we feel internally pressured, or pressured by others to confront our family directly, it keeps us trapped in a relationship pattern that has never brought us the closure we are seeking. Staying stuck in this cycle directly impedes our healing.
Hold the mindset that healing and closure are often best established without the “necessary conversation” with the person who has abused you. Your silence is powerful enough to say everything your words can’t.

@Haysmiths no apology has ever come from a narcissist sadly. It’s what we all live in hope of. Validation of what we’ve all been through is important. Sadly, most families aren’t dysfunctional so it’s tricky to explain to friends who experienced a normal family dynamic. That’s why a shared experience here is important. We have to keep buggering on!

I wrote and sent my letter/email, not to my mother, but her sister who was acting as her flying monkey. It was my way of cutting out all the BS and actually outing my mother for her promiscuity and neglect towards us as children. Of course it was passed around the family as proof of my 'madness' but I didn't care.

It was cathartic to vocalise what had happened rather than my mother's version of her martyred parenthood that she manipulates everyone with. It was cathartic to me because I had got to the point of no return. The scapegoat had left the building. I don't need her apologies or remorse. This was how it was, take it or leave it.

Oddly my golden child brother is now touting my email as the gospel truth as he has gone NC with her. So I finally received validation from someone else on the inside. Too late for any relationship with me. People must wonder why all three of her children are NC 🤔

You are braver than I am @Dacquoise to me the flying monkeys are a lot more terrifying than the narc, because, why do they want to be involved when they don't care enough to hear the other side of the story? What sort of person demonises someone on the basis of hearsays? brrr...The narc is compelled to be nasty but they're not.
I know, like you say, in the end it doesn't make any difference. I just don't want to feed the monkeys I guess.
The scapegoat had left the building. I like that!
But, do they even notice?

@MmeArnault , I felt compelled to get the truth out there. I wasn't really looking for remorse or apologies so I suppose it was easier in that respect. I just wanted to set the record straight because there is a whole raft of denial and normalising going on in my mother's family.

My mother and both her siblings are serial cheaters. It was openly gossiped about. My mother even lent her sister her house to entertain her affair partner at the same time as acting like she cared about her brother in law. Completely messed up. Everyone knew but we were expected to just accept it although it has has devastating consequences for the children and partners involved. Two of my cousins have serious eating disorders, one at age five.

My own childhood was chaotic and neglectful because of my mother's promiscuity. And mad. My mother tried to rehome me after one of her affairs (I was 12), when she got back together with my dad she wanted to send me away to boarding school. Seems in her disorganized mind I was to blame for her behaviour! Despite using me as surrogate housekeeper, child minder and therapist.

The final straw was her leaving my step father for one of the men she cheated on my dad with. I suspected it but she lied to me for two years. I had a eureka moment when I realized I didn't have to put up with this anymore, hence the outing letter. No more sleeze, no more pretending it's okay. They can wallow in their own nasty juices without me!

Do they notice? I'm sure I'm being blamed for my golden child brother's defection despite having no communication for the last twelve years. My powers are immense 😂

@Dacquoise Yes amazing what you end up being responsible for, accommodating their madness for ever and then seeing the light and washing your hands off the whole mess.