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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Being oversensitive

7 replies

Xztop · 31/10/2022 11:46

This is becoming a real problem for me and I don't know how to get thicker skin? Any advice welcome.
This weekend I have spent crying because I took to heart something a friend said, he didn't even say it in a bad way but I took it that way.
And today I kind of got a telling off at work for something I do which I shouldn't. I didn't know this and apologised and she was fine about it but now I feel really shit and ashamed because I know all my colleagues will be discussing it.
I'm also a chronic over thinker and I hate being like this!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 31/10/2022 12:07

Another way to describe thicker skin might be resilience. There are loads of rescources on this, if you have Spotify a quick search throws up heaps of podcasts, and if not YouTube has some interesting stuff, including a good Ted Talk.

If you're a chronic overthinker, giving your brain something to keep it busy and investigating coping strategies might be helpful. A good therapist could work wonders, if you have the resource. Good luck!

supercali77 · 31/10/2022 12:16

A lot of the skills used in dbt might be helpful for resilience. One is good old distraction (for overthinking) and the other is distress tolerance (sensitivity), e.g learning to be ok with the emotional distress. You may never rid yourself of it but you can learn to put it into an appropriate place

DosCervezas · 31/10/2022 14:13

It's not easy being sensitive, but I find that it's usually insensitive people with the problem and when you actually analyse what's bothered you , then if others had more awareness and compassion there wouldn't be a problem. But don't allow them to upset you or make you angry, try to avoid insensitive people and filter them out of your life where possible. Hopefully there will still be some left who are understanding and aware.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 16:58

I agree with @DosCervezas

Respect your feelings. They are telling you something. They are telling you who to be around and not be around, but you're not listening to them, and you're criticising yourself instead.

Imagine doing that to someone else. If they came to you and said they felt really shit about what Bob said at work today, and you told them they should be ashamed of themselves because everyone would be talking about them, now, behind their back.

How mean is that, as a way to view someone's feelings? No wonder you feel anxious, if that's the sort of judgement you get for feeling bad in the first place.

The question here is why you think your feelings are worthy of such nasty criticism. Where did you learn it? Usually we're conditioned by our upbringing, could it be that? Did you have an absent/addict/ill parent? Parents who argued a lot? Violence in the home? Anything where you've essentially had to say, 'Well, that made me feel shit, but it doesn't make any difference, and I still have to live here, so I'd better gloss over my feelings and not make a big fuss about them...', that'd do it. We start learning that our feelings are just an irrelevance, to be overcome.

Does that ring any bells?

Your feelings are fine. You're normal. Your friend said something that wasn't meant to hurt you, but it did. Your boss pulled you aside at work and it made you feel crappy. There's really nothing unusual in what you're feeling. Beating yourself up about it will be making you feel 100 times worse.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 17:00

Oh, and changing your circle of people to make you happy, rather than trying to be happy with the circle of people you have, is the way to a contented life. Find people who, if they accidentally say the wrong thing, you can tell them, and they apologise. If you don't feel comfortable enough to say to them that they hurt you, they're not 'your people'.

Xztop · 31/10/2022 18:34

@Watchkeys thanks so much for your answer, it really made me think. When I was growing up I was always the child that had to 'get on with it' because my parents were too busy catering to my sisters every need so I suspect it maybe stems from that. However I felt never mattered because it was all about her.

Thank you to everyone for you replies x

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 31/10/2022 18:38

Some lovely advice on this thread OP, I have nothing to add except that you sound like a really lovely and considerate person. 💐

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