Difficult sister - any advice?

[LauraIAm]

I am one of five siblings with parents who have always been very loving but are completely unable to do anything on discipline or boundaries. Two of my siblings (A and B) find life hard (mental health) and are enabled by my parents to work minimally and perceive their issues as everyone else’s fault. B is also very influenced by A. I feel this has always soaked up a lot of my parents’ time and energy to my detriment but have made my peace.

A week ago A had a super rant at me re our family email group in an email to everyone. She said she doesn’t want to even witness discussions on a particular topic and too much attention is paid to posts re the grandchildren which she finds invalidating (she is childless by choice but may regard herself as having too great a MH problem to have kids). I feel I am a sort of lightening rod within the family for her issues - this is the fourth super rant that A or B has directed at me over the last few years. My dad and one of my other siblings have contacted me to say it isn’t my fault and my mum has sent me a nice message but ignored A’s rant. Nothing from B. Similar pattern after previous super rants. I am frustrated that no one is prepared to call A out and I am supposed to take this shit to keep the peace. I don’t think I could have a good conversation with any of my family members about this. Also, how to move forward? I can quite easily avoid A but I don’t want to be pushed out of the family. I live in Edinburgh whereas they all live in Newcastle, so the email group is actually really important to me to stay connected day to day. A normal family might have an email group for everyone and one without A but I know my parents would never do that. Argh!

It is obviously unreasonable to dictate that no posts about grandchildren are made, so the obvious solution is to tell her you are making another whatsapp group for posts about grandchildren etc.
'Sorry you find it difficult to read about x. I will set up another family group for this. x'
'Sis is finding it upsetting to read posts about xyz, so I've set up this group for us to use about these. x'

That sounds hard, but you seem to see it clearly for how it is. So more strength to you. I would imagine your sibling finds it easier to direct their aggression at you rather than perhaps at your parents where it might really lie, or even at themselves. So knowing this, you need to find ways to keep sanity (suggesting a group like the poster above says sounds like a good plan) for yourself and also expect push back against any suggestions like this as you probably can't win. They will tell you no doubt that you are excluding them. Do what you need to do to stay afloat and accept that you can't change your family.

Yes you could actually offer them the choice. 'Would you prefer me to create a different group for me to share those pics?' The problem is they will then set up a group excluding you because they can justify it.

Your family unfortunately has terrible dynamics and your parents are cowardly as hell.

My sister is similar. She hasn't got children through choice, but had a flounce from a family whatsapp group as she didn't like the sharing of photographs of mine and my grandchildren. Mum is just her enabler who never stands up for me or my DC at all.

I'm now minimal contact with both of them, because it's less mentally draining and I know that I'm just going to get pissed off at their relationship dynamic. I worked with them both at one stage, and my sister had a full on meltdown at me while Mum just sat and watched. It honestly broke my heart and that was when I knew things had to change. I can't change their relationship but I can change my reaction to it.

It's shit. You have my complete sympathy.

Thanks everyone and @Badger1970 I’m really sorry to hear your story - it’s horrible that your mum didn’t stand up for you while your sister had a meltdown at you - I’m glad going low contact has helped.