Falling for someone else when in abusive relationship

[Sunsetsky1]

I’m looking for advice as I don’t know what to do anymore, I have been with my partner for 13 years 2dc, he has been abusive for around 11.5 years. We moved away from everyone around 6 years so no family contact or friends it’s just us.
I have a friend who I’ve known for about 10 years used to not have much contact at all and I only seen him as a friend not attracted to him or anything ( this man is married) .
A few years ago I told him about the abuse he had suspicions anyway because he used to see my partner watch my every move and watch me if I’d talk to him or anyone when we were out. He’s been a good support because we moved far away we didn’t have much contact for around two years but the last 3 years the friendship has developed a lot. He opened upto me about how he’s been in a loveless sexless marriage for years, sleeps separately from his wife and generally unhappy but won’t leave because of his children who is disabled so a very difficult situation. I have no friends so he’s been what’s kept me sane and I think of him every day now we text almost every day and the last year it’s became sexual content aswell discussing what we’d do to each other etc. We both have feelings for each other. He has made it clear he won’t leave his wife even though she doesn’t want him and he isn’t happy with her, they are together for the children.
my situation is difficult I rely on my partner even though he’s abusive he controls all the financial things and I’m in the house like a housewife He won’t let me work. I want advice what to do about my friend I’ve tried going no contact but it didn’t last he’s my only friend and he knows my situation and still is there for me etc. Thank you

I'm so sorry your situation is so difficult. First, check out the freedom programme for some help with handling your partner and getting out of that relationship. That needs to be your main focus. Women's Aid might also be worth checking out.

Your 'friend' shouldn't be stringing you along. He's married, he's said he's definitely not going to leave his wife, and he knows how hard your situation already is so it's unbelievably cruel and selfish to confuse you with this behaviour on top of everything else. FWIW the whole "we're in a sexless marriage/we sleep separately" spiel is VERY common among men who are trying to cheat on their wives (and it's often not true at all). Forget any fantasies of being with this man, it's not going to happen.

Do you have any family you could turn to, or would you feel comfortable to call a helpline to for support with the situation with your partner?

I’m definitely sure he’s being honest about the relationship with his wife he sends me photos in the evening and he’s definitely sleeping on the sofa long term , I don’t have anyone else to talk to or any family as we cut contact a while ago and I don’t want a relationship with them. I can’t believe I’ve got feelings for this man but he’s so kind and really keeps me sane. I know I’m reality nothing is likely to happen as we live miles apart now , but he makes me feel wanted and ok about myself when my partner just puts me down everyday is not good with him if he wasn’t abusive I know I wouldn’t seek comfort elsewhere but it’s been so long I’m losing hope he will change

I’m definitely sure he’s being honest about the relationship with his wife he sends me photos in the evening and he’s definitely sleeping on the sofa long term
Every Other Woman is convinced that HER specific cheat is telling the truth about the sad state of his marriage, how it's all his wife's fault, & what a noble hero he is for staying "for the children".

So what if he's on the sofa?
He wants you to be his bit on the side. That's not exactly the action of a friend, is it?

The last thing you need right now is this kind of complication.
You are already enmeshed with one abusive man - you don;t need to take on another.
And it;s very common for the 'rescuer' type of man to emerge when a vilnerable woman is struggling in an abusive relationship. 'Rescuers' are attracted to women already beaten down by abuse. This man does not have your best interests at heart. Stop sexting with him.

Please contact WA.
You need an ally in real life, not just support on a forum.
Your husband, by "not allowing" you to work, is financially abusing you.
It's his responsibility to pay at least half the childcare costs if you want to work.
If you lft him, you could enforce mainatenance payments through the CMS, get benefits to support you & your children, & - depending on their ages - part-funded childcare.

If you stay, you will remain isolated, at your partner's mercy, with your only outlet your contact with this man. Is that what you want from your life - a miserable, abusive relationship with one man ... & some sleazy sexts & maybe occasional sneaky meetings with a cheat?

Talk to WA about your options. Discuss how you & your DC could move back to your previous location, in reach of family & friends. Get back to work, stay single, & focus on building a new life for you & DC where you can create a happy, safe, home environment for them. It won;t be easy, but it's going to be easier than throwing your life away on these 2 disastrous men.

if he wasn’t abusive I know I wouldn’t seek comfort elsewhere but it’s been so long I’m losing hope he will change
Of course he's not going to change!
He's been abusing you for 11.5 years.
You need to leave him.

He's not going to rescue you, this is dysfunctional.

Focus on getting out of your abusive relationship, rebuilding your life, and recovering from the abuse.

Focusing on this flirtation isn't going to help you - it's not the distance that's preventing this other man from being with you, it's that he's already decided he's not going to leave his wife. This is why it's cruel to keep you dangling; he knows you're already in a very difficult situation and he knows you're vulnerable.

If he was being a good friend he'd prioritise what you need (support, platonic friendship) and wouldn't bring his own selfish desires (wanting to keep you on the side) into it at all, when he absolutely knows that he's not leaving his wife and he's only going to mess with your head by doing this. This situation with the other man will almost certainly end up hurting you as well, and you don't need that. Genuinely, I'd advise putting an end to the sexting etc, even if it does make you feel better in the moment - it's not going to progress and the potential for you getting hurt is huge.

Could you call Women's Aid to get some advice and support with handling the situation you're in with your partner, as that's the priority right now? Is there anybody who you knew from before you moved who you could reach out to? I know how isolated you can suddenly find yourself when you're in an abusive relationship, but getting some real life support from somewhere can be really helpful.

You have 2 issues, and the one you need to deal else, is leaving your partner. He is abusive, so staying with him is the worst thing to do for yourself and for your DC.

i am going to try and cut down contact with the friend I know I’ve probably only got feelings for him because of my situation with my partner . I don’t have any friends or family to talk to regarding my abusive partner I’m not sure I want to leave it would be easier if he left because the children are settled in school but I know he won’t leave, he knows I’m unhappy I told him but he doesn’t care. He can be nice to me for abit but it always goes back to him being awfully mean to me, saying I’m a piece of dirt etc and generally name calling and psychological abuse. He brings me down a lot and I guess that’s why the friends attention made me feel better about myself. I’ve been with him so long that’s another reason I’m not sure id want to leave as I don’t know anything else it’s just.

What did you learn about relationships from your parents? Was that where you learned to minimise your feelings? Were you loved and respected as a child? Did your parents love and respect each other?

You are in two damaging and harmful to yourself and DC relationships Find support and do what's needed to move forward from both of them.

You’re falling for him because you know your own situation is shit and deep down you know that there are better options for you out there. This other man is a better option though.

It’s a shame this other man is married, regardless of whether it’s a good marriage or whether he’s happy in it.

You only have his word for that and it is very common for men to chance their arm when they sense a vulnerable woman.

You’re already in an emotional affair with him which has disaster written all over it, for you, for what your current partner will do when he finds out, for your family, for your AP’s family. Everyone.

And think on, if he was such a nice man, why is he behaving inappropriately towards you and disrespecting HIS wife and family? Married men with morals don’t do that, even if they’re in a shit marriage themselves.

*this other man is NOT a better option for you

Sorry but the 'friend' is a piece if shit too. He's another varient of your partner. It's just you dont see his bad side as he hasnt ensnared you yet.

Focus on getting free of you abuser. You don't need a man to rescue you from another man.

Speak with women's aid.

You need to leave for your children. What are they learning? They’re learning that his behaviour is normal and they will copy it when they’re older. They’ll also grow up wondering why you stayed.

This other man is just a distraction. Speak to women’s aid, you need help.

At least he’s told you he isn’t going to leave his wife. It’s a bit of excitement for him, relieves the boredom. He’s not being abused, you are. I’m not sure he is a friend, at least not a good friend. He should be assisting you to leave, encouraging and supporting you as a friend- it doesn’t sound like he is.

You need to prioritise getting your children and yourself away from your partner. Then you can, in time, pursue a relationship with someone who is available.

Leave your partner. And leave this man too. You are both cheating, and the extenuating circumstances don't excuse that.