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Relationships

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Original poster

Can you gut feeling be completely wrong when you like someone?

20 replies

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 22:56

Has anyone had that strong gut feeling around a man (if hetero) that you belong together / he's 'your person' and yet turned out to be wrong?
I just keep reading on MN about trusting your gut feeling, but although I feel it every time when we meet (not dating) he's not made any moves at all. He's single (AFAIK) or at least been single for a while after splitting from his ex.

Background is that I've actually asked him out, kind of socially rather than for a date as such but he probably knew I was interested - this was a few yrs ago when I didn't know he was in a relationship - he politely declined then, I then learned he wasn't single. When we meet I always think he likes me from body language / eye contact - but I can't possibly make yet another move even though his circs changed, I also don't haev any way to contact him apart from publicly on SM so it's out of the question. He does haev a means contact me though - but as I say, we haven't actually met up for ages so after his break up he may not haev thoughht of me at all, and he may be with someone new.

I ve cooled down over the last year or so as I didn't speak to him directly in that time, still a vague connection on SM. I had a very strressful year but recently I felt like tryng online dating again which I've started, but I just happened to see/speak to him briefly again and I felt that strong pull again, I acted a bit awkward which may have seemed as me being cool with him. The point is I haven't had that feeling with anyone - just a more superficial attraction with a couple of people. CAn I really be that deluded and it's not mutual at all? Does he seem nice to me just because he likes the attention but feels nothing?

Sorry for a ramble, just wanted to hear outcomes in such situations from others.

OP posts:

shreddednips · 30/10/2022 23:03

If you really like him and believe he's single, why not ask him if he'd like to go for a drink if you bump into him again? Worst that could happen is he says no, and then you know and can move on.

I've had positive gut feelings about men before and it's hit and miss tbh, sometimes you can have really strong sexual chemistry with someone that makes it feel like it's 'meant to be' and they later turn out to be awful. Not saying that's the case here though.

My negative gut instinct is very reliable though.

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:03

Also to add, I think he's generally quite 'shy' with women - he's outwardly confident socially but it's still the case, I think. Or are The Rules right in stating that men are never shy - they are just not interested enough?😂

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 30/10/2022 23:10

So your gut feeling is telling you that you fancy him.

And your other gut feeling is telling you he’s not interested.

Both gut feelings are not wrong.

You’re picking up “he’s not interested in you in THAT way” vibes off him but because you like him you’re looking for clues that imply the opposite because you want him to like you the way you like him and you don’t want to believe that he doesn’t.

The Rules are a load of bollocks. There are shy men out there that are hugely attracted to women and it’s no different with their body language “tells” leaking their interest, or not.

Guessie · 30/10/2022 23:14

My gut feeling is wrong 50% of the time and right the other 50%. It's definitely not a predictor of the truth!

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:15

Thank you shredded - when you felt it, did ou ever intiate things?
I can't ask him out directly as I never see him one to one, it's always wthin a social group and too brief. I see himless often than previously when there was a chance to talk in a bar after work - which did happebn.
His settings on SM now is no private messaging unless you ask publicly to allow access - can't do that, too embarassing. He could message me on there - I just get a feeling that I'm either not his type or he's not confident after his split and also his frequent travelling for work as from I could gather, his last r-ship didn't survive him being absent a lot, so he might not be bothered with r-ships after that. He's not really my usual type physically - so it's not just sexual chemistry, that's the thing.
I sort of just wanted to ask, can this be so one-sided in others' experience.

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:19

Sounds like limerence on your side, OP.

If he was interested, he'd approach you. I would let it go and put your energy into meeting someone new.

DatingDinosaur · 30/10/2022 23:20

"I sort of just wanted to ask, can this be so one-sided in others' experience."

In my experience, yes it can. It sucks.

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:25

Haha, DatingDinosaur, great answer. I wouldn't say my other gut instinct is 'he doesn't fancy me', I think he seems to be drawn to me a bit - it's more that I can't tell for sure, and he's always being observed as we are never alone so I don't know how much is there.
You could well be right. I didn't quite get your last sentence about shy men - are you saying it shows in their body lang or they are good at hiding it?
I did think he may be enjoying the attention and THAT'S why he's not avoiding eye contact, but nothing more.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/10/2022 23:28

I think you have become obsessed with a man who never gives you a second thought.

I'm sorry to be so harsh but if he was interested then he would let you know, i.e. he would literally say so.

It would be far more healthy for you to focus your attention elsewhere, on hobbies or interests or friends who can keep you occupied.

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:30

beastly I thought it has all cooled down a while ago but here we go, saw him again and still there. I thought 'limerance' doesnt ebb and flow? I'm interested in meeting someone and quite strongly now, so i'll be pitting an effort into it - but it's such a neeedle in haystack to get the feeling for someone. I'm not young btw so not a huge choice of single men around my age either.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:38

determined I actually came to that conclusion myself about a year ago but I had a lot on this year so couldn't start dating - i've started now but having just seen him unexpectedly I'm just baffled why the hell do I still react to him like that - it's the look I think, if he was blatabtly cold, I wouldn't. But yes, maybe I should avoid any situations where I can meet him then, so it doesb; distract me from other people!
It's partly that the possibilities aren't high in finding a partner really - seems almost unsurmountable to find mutual lasting interest. Maybe he's familiar and I miss the feeling hence it's easy to fall back into it. But it's annoying really.

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 30/10/2022 23:38

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:30

The feelings and thoughts you describe sound very like limerence to me. People who have limerent relationships are often using them as a form of escapism/addiction, so yes the feelings can ebb and flow depending on how you are generally. Counselling can help you work out where these feelings come from.

I can tell you, though, that he's not interested in a relationship with you. If he were, he would have messaged you and struck up a conversation, at the very least.

EBearhug · 31/10/2022 00:40

Yes. He turned out to be gay.

Smearywindowsagain · 31/10/2022 00:52

CatAndHisKit · 30/10/2022 23:03

I’m a strong believer in the essence of The Rules. I’ve actually done some work with the authors themselves. Not the wear your hair straight and be skinny rules they recommend but the actual advice on dealing with men will guide you correctly. I’d say he isn’t very interested. You made it clear once you liked him. No need to do so again. Choose from the men that come to you.

Melonapplepear · 31/10/2022 01:23

I think it is better to be logical when dealing with men - you can't possibly know if someone is relationship potential until you know them.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 31/10/2022 01:34

You say it seems he is drawn to you. You are probably making it obvious you like him without realising it. You say you act cool around him but you are aware of him at all times and I suspect he is aware that you are very interested in him.

If he felt the same about you , he would strike up a conversation. He would leave you in no doubt that he was open to chatting to you and meeting up with you.

I think you are putting him on a pedestal because you find him attractive and you’re making excuses for why he may not be asking you out.

Dating is hard but when the right person comes along it will feel very straightforward and easy because neither of you will leave the other in any doubt about where you want your relationship to go.

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 31/10/2022 17:43

Thank you, you are all right and I needed to hear that spelled out a few times, that he's not interested. I was mainly doubting it because I think I gave mixed signals at some stage - i.e. said something critical, albeit humourously, on SM at some point, and once didn't come up to chat to him when the situation arose as I lose condifence sometimes- I think he looked a bit annoyed. Anyway this was all a whle ago and I had moved on but have just been reminded that there was also something there.
But you are right Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit that overall he must know that I would welcome an approach and once he became single a while ago he may have tried to chat. He actually did start responding a bit to my posts on SM but then it stopped again. Ugh, I really have to see this as a setback.

Me too, Smeary they rer right in essence but hard to follow, requires discipline haha.

beastly ok it makes sense that it depends on the general wellbeing at that time - but I had a very stressful time and actually it distanced me from thoughts of him, I'd think if you are addicted that would be a 'go-to' place when stressed. I felt this whole thing didn't nurture me when I needed it, I was hardly getting anything back. I'll just get on with the dating onlne now, I think I need to feel someone caring for me in their actions and that's what will help me drop this completely, as I sure haven;t got it from him!

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Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 31/10/2022 17:47

EBearhug · 31/10/2022 00:40

Yes. He turned out to be gay.

Ha, that's another thing - I thought he might be gay initialy (he sort of presents slightly ambiguosly and his specific job / role has mostly gay men in it) but then found out he was in an LTR with a woman, though didn't last past a few years. I wirnessed a gay man or two being flirty with him on SM but more in a teasing way. He might be bi- for all I know - or even decded he is gay after all!

OP posts:

PollyAmour · 31/10/2022 17:51

Just bite the bullet next time you see him and ask him to meet for a coffee and a chat. Nothing too hardcore or threatening. If he says no, then you need to move on and leave him be. Infatuations can be one-sided, and you don't want to end up feeling embarrassed and silly.

Original poster

CatAndHisKit · 31/10/2022 20:01

Polly wouldn't that be embarrassing in itself, asking him out after my failed attempt a few years ago? even though he was in a relationship then, I don't know for sure if he's single now (nothing official or obvious from the SM - whereas his previous one was always reflected on sm).

OP posts:

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