Am I annoyed for no reason?

[Kardelen]

Husband contributes to mother in law household 200 a month. She lives with the other sons who work full time, and some with very good jobs. DH says he’s giving her spending money as they don’t want her to work. The other sons apparently also give spending money, but this spending money goes towards the house bills ( to which we are not using and the brothers are using).

Have a toddler, so I work part time. Also pregnant, so will be on maternity leave soon and won’t be getting paid for the whole duration. I know I work, but DH hasn’t really supported me in anyway financially. Rarely we go out for meals, but we always half these and till now DH has not spent on me apart from odd gifts once in a while.
we live with my parents due to financial reasons, and my parents pay for our household bills as they want us to save money. They refused for me to to pay.

So, when all this is happening, I feel that it’s unfair. Is it just me being unreasonable?

No but I think you should move out and not burden your parents. Does he give money to your parents too? Spending money? No i don't think so .

You’ve already done a post about this.

You're annoyed because something is happening that's annoying you. It's that simple. There's no right or wrong about it. You can choose to respect your feelings or not.

Have you told him you're annoyed? What did he say? Or if not, what stops you?

I feel sorry for your parents.

Why have you posted about this again @Kardelen?

PP are going to give you exactly the same answers as they have on your other, current thread.

Does your husband realise that this means your parents are supporting his mother?

There's obviously a cultural background of multigenerational households, and quite possibly that same background considers it normal to have separate finances within a marriage? Seems a bit weird to me though. If the marriage ever ended the law would say that it all belongs to both of you: just a thought.

Is your partner asian or eastern european? 😂it’s a culture thing , I give money to mine even though I left their home 20 yrs ago . I wouldn’t if i couldn’t afford it though

Really? Yeah it’s Asian. How much do you give if you don’t mind me asking

@Kardelen I come from an Asian background too a Muslim one at that.

My advice is do not live with your parents.

I wouldn't tolerate my husband paying his mother and giving her spending money and leaving me on the bones of my arse.

my religion states that he should provide for me and his kids before anyone else. I now earn double what he does and he contributes what he can. There is no way I would tolerate household money going to someone else .

Another bit of advice for you who cares what his mother thinks . I've cut ties with my inlaws as they were hostile. I'm not from the same country as them nor do I speak their language nor do I have any interest in learning it......

If you want to be hostile to me then fuck off I have no interest in maintaining a relationship with you nor will I make any efforts towards you . I don't give a shit what any of them and his several siblings think. I also don't put any effort into helping maintain a relationship with my kids their dgc/ niece/nephews.

We moved away after we got married an hour away and this suits us.

I'm thinking when I'm older I may want to move further north and downsize and release equity from my house . DH doesn't want to do that as he wants to live closer to his mother. I've told him that's fine I'll go on my own you do what you like and I mean it.

We've had a lot of ups and downs with more downs recently. But never have I put up with shit needlessly without doing anything about it.

Move out , get your own place whether that's buying or renting. Get him to tell the mother in law to get her kids living at home to pay rent.

This seems quite similar to my situation. We are also Muslim, and I did tell him how religion states that but he thinks I pick and choose. He said it’s not like follow everything… implying I pick and choose basically. He said if I had no income at all, he would suppprt. And he would still support if I needed the money, but his mum needs it more as she has no income coming in.

i also don’t speak their language, and over the last few weeks she blames me for a few things and I think it’s just all adding up. Tbf h has been supporting financially since we got married, but the amount just keeps increasing and im obviously not happy as it may increase further and further at this rate.

whats more frustrating is I always try to save by getting things on sale for DC , myself etc. but now I’m questioning why I am even bothering doing this.

whats more frustrating is I always try to save by getting things on sale for DC , myself etc. but now I’m questioning why I am even bothering doing this.

I'm questioning why you bother staying married to this horrible man who is financially abusing you & your parents.

What would your parents say if you told them the truth, & said you were considering divorce?

@Kardelen Tell him yes you pick and choose and you're chosing your basic Islamic right as a woman to be provided for.
Tell him if £50 is enough for you then it's also acceptable for his mother.

I don't think living with parents helps as it stops them from 'growing up' and not having to step up which I suspect might the case in your situation.

The more you tolerate the worse it gets I know this from experience.

I won't pay for everything as I earn more he pays in accordance with his earnings so we have I wouldn't say equal amount of disposable income as I earn more.

His mother recently gave him £1000 which was to help us with costs as we moved house but he kept it for himself as he has no savings and is a low earner. I didn't mind this but as soon as his several siblings started piping up about taking the money how his mother now has nothing and will need it if anything happened to their father etc and my H said he needs to pay it back I lost it with him. It will be a cold day in hell before he starts paying anything to others whilst contributing minimally to us, if he has spare money that can go on his kids. I nipped that right in the bud.

His mother lives with one of the sons and has a state pension with no outgoings as its all paid for my the son she lives with.

How long have you been married ?
Next time the kids need clothes tell him to pay and you'll contribute what you can as per our religion.

If you're having all your bills paid, what do you want him to spend the money on instead?

This is all coming out in monetary terms but maybe what is not being expressed is emotional
you put your mum first
you don’t consider the future for us and for our children
our children need your support, your mother is an adult
you have no consideration whatever for my parents who are housing us

Money is somewhat easier to talk about than all these things but it seems that what you really want to know is what he feels and what he plans