Just not feeling anything but relief. Surely....

[ChillyMoo]

this will bite me on the bum later?

Married 18 years. Together 21 years.

He changed over the years to become more and more irrational and aggressive. These episodes were getting closer together until one especially nasty episode three weeks ago when the police here called because of his screaming hysteria and violence.

He can't come near me for 18 days. (Not UK). And I can extend this for 16 weeks.

He's contacted all my family, desperate to see the dcs (they're part of 18 day exclusion order), making weird blackmail threats, unilateral financial decisions that have left me and the dcs short this month.

I have a UK divorce lawyer setting the divorce ball rolling asap. Meanwhile he's spinning the self defense bullshit narrative to his relatives. I care about this but it isn't the truth but I guess the truth will out.

But even though I get slightly nostalgic about our past and terrified about the financial uncertainty me and the dcs face, I really only feel relief. I don't want any kind of relationship with him just because of the dcs - I'd rather just agree via email the access arrangement details.

If I never saw him again, I really wouldn't mind. Am I a chilly moo for feeling this way after 21 years together or is it just my preservation instinct kicking in? Or perhaps I will have a breakdown later on?

I just feel odd. Unsettled because of money uncertainty but I just don't seem to care beyond that.

I was only with my first husband for a short time (living together 14 months) It was one of the most stressful and unhappy times of my life and the day I managed to get him out I only felt nothing but relief like a huge burden had been removed from my shoulders and at last I had some peace. A small part of me wanted him to make an effort be pleasant, loving , supportive, and return to make a happy marriage, but as time went on I realised that life without him was so much better than with him.
Don't beat yourself up OP you have obviously exhausted, any positive feelings you ever had towards him.
You feel numb, you probably will, in the future, feel regret, for the way things have turned out but for now appreciate your peace.

I think it's natural to feel nothing but relief after a marriage is over. Specially when it has deteriorated like yours has. I was married for 24 years and if I never see him again it'll be fine. As it is I see him at family events and it's like looking at a stranger - I say hello and move on.

Take care of yourself, op. Just be grateful that you are now on a different path.

I don't feel numb at all. I feel strange and relieved but generally quite normal. Perhaps it was his last act of violence against me that killed off any feeling whatsoever.

I split from my exDH 2 years ago after 16 years together. It was my decision and I felt soooo relieved when I told him it was over between us.

Honestly life is so much better now, even with less money and being a sole parent (he moved back to his home country and sees the kids 2-3 times a year for a week or two each time).

Things had been bad for years, so I had already done all my crying before we split.

I know what you mean about feeling strange - I actually felt quite hyper and "excited" - not in a good way, just oodles of energy

Let yourself feel however you feel. If that’s happy, joyful, calm, that’s okay!

Relief was my main feeling after leaving first husband. I still had to contend with the abusive twat for years because we had DC but I clearly remember that utter feeling of relief after I finally found the courage to gather up the kids and walk.

I felt quite exhilarated too. Getting control and freedom back. Not being subject to someone else’s mood. I redecorated and loved not having my choices questioned (so nothing ever got done). I felt proud of myself for finally having strength to end it and accepting he would never change. It had been a long time coming and I had done all the grieving for my marriage long before we split so it wasn’t the same as someone where separation comes as a shock. Now I wonder why we didn’t end it much earlier.

Sounds like you had a really rough time that's why @ChillyMoo .

Probably more and more unpleasant things he's said and done will pass through your mind, and the cumulative effect of what you experienced from him over two decades, is why you're feeling the way you are.

Enjoy your peace and please don't let him reel you back in. x

No not cold hearted you've just realised enough is enough and when you reach the point of relief, indifference etc you'll never look back, I promise. I wish you well for the future without an abusive bastard in your life.

Oh yes absolutely nothing @OldFan. He's said such vile stuff like how many women, how fat I am (I'm not!), how he will leave me poor, how useless I am....the last time all with a literally frothing mouth. Such anger. Such hate. It's so bizarre. And now acts like nothing happened and if it did, it was my fault.

I snapped back, got attacked, police arrived and now he's no longer in control. He hates it. Good.

But I pity the next poor sap he charms.....

Sounds like you’re doing great. You see him for what he is, you’re not being sucked back in and you’re deciding your boundaries going forward.
It was a final threat to me - so cold and calculating —that made me leave. The relief was wonderful, though I was scared for a long time he’d trace me.
Does he ( or any relatives) have keys to the house? Can you change the locks if he does?
Have a plan in place for if he does approach you, follow you when out or threatens you in any way. And go on and enjoy your life. 💐

You mean like this @ChillyMoo ?

You might be on auto pilot and self protection instincts are kicking in. Trust your intuition at all times, don't rise to any bait and put a plan in place. Keep a log of anything and everything (in case required - it's much harder to try to remember specific details) Stay strong.

I feel like that about my mother and I’m early 50s. She was “only” angry and aggressive towards me a few times a year but I’ve completely ended my relationship with her and feel no regrets, will never see her again under any circumstances.

When someone treats you badly over a long period of time, it can erase any positive feeling you have for them. And when you walk away, it’s just a relief to do it.

Not such a long relationship but I remember walking on air when I finally got rid of him.

@Amiable yes. I have too. Cried a lot. High levels of anxiety when I knew he was having an affair. Helpless before his storming rages.

I was petrified of him and for the dcs. No more.

The idiot has an ugly tattoo of my name to be lasered off now. 😂

I felt this, was only six years but scour years of abuse two the rough the lockdowns.

I was at one point concerned there was something wrong with me because I felt a kind of elation within me, eventually this settled into a kind of peace in me. It's been a whole year just last week and I'm thriving, I wish the same for you xx

I haven't been through this but it sounds to me like you emotionally disengaged from him a long time ago, leaving only your negative feelings of fear etc. Now that he's gone, being relieved of those fears is a huge sense of relief. It makes total sense to me.

well done for doing it. Yes, he'll lie and tell people stories but you know the truth.