Advice for telling teen that we are separating

[Bedazzled22]

DP and I separating mutually and reasonably amicable (although i’m heartbroken generally after everything thats happened but know its the right thing).

DS15 is a well balanced happy teen and I’m dreading us telling him. DP and I will continue to live together for the time being - we sleep in separate rooms anyway due to his snoring.

We’ll obviously make it clear we love DS and nothing to do with him, things wont change massively. Any words of advice or experiences to share please? Thank you

Are you wanting to tell him when the paperwork is done, or before, or when the time comes for one of you to move out?

I've not told ours yet (younger than yours) because the legal aspect isn't relevant to them. What matters is the change in living circumstances really - the bit that will impact them. Like you we're in separate bedrooms too.

I'm not sure if a teen would feel lied to if they're told when it's done. The positive aspect is that you can tell them you're doing it amicably, because you've already done it amicably at that point, so they don't need to worry about big dramas. Also, if it ends up being less than amicable, or drags out, your teen won't be drawn in, as they don't know.

The one thing I've seen again and again is that where possible, you should tell the child(ren) together.

So less advice and more things to think about!

@DivorcingEU thank you and sorry you are in situation too. Living arrangements wont change yet, in fact nothing will, but it feels dishonest not to tell him and he’ll see us not being affectionate etc? I’m worried about what he’ll learn re relationships. We would definitely tell him together. We’re not married so no divorce or paperwork to do - we jointly own house which we’d sell in time. But perhaps we should wait….

sorry thoughts feel jumbled right now. I just feel so sad for my boy.

I have literally just done this tonight, not my choice, I wanted to do it on a Friday night so my children could spend the weekend contemplating and in comfort before school on Monday…

Im so sorry for you.
PM me if you want to talk, I can’t on here

He probably already knows. We sat ours down to tell them, a little older, and dd2 says yes she knew 3 years prior and had discussed it with her friend yet we actually didn't decide until 3 weeks prior, shared a room and more up until that point! She since asked me why I didn't leave her dad 10 years earlier. Kids seem to know more than you think

Protective honesty I think is best, don’t blame your partner, it’s not helpful for your children, no matter how hurt or angry you are.
Be greater than that and breathe deep.

I work with teenagers - he will likely already know. My tuppence worth (though of course everyone is different): don’t tell him things won’t really change much; the reality is they will change a lot for him. The best thing is to honestly and clearly think through what those changes will be and what life is likely to look like for him. Consult with him on those items that you can be flexible on. Don’t promise what you can’t deliver. Communicate clearly with him what’s going to happen and when. Uncertainly on top of emotional distress can really make things more difficult for young people.