Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I don’t know what to do

16 replies

Rainbowsalt19 · 30/10/2022 19:11

This is my first ever post and it’s pretty long so thank you to those who can offer thoughts. I (34F) have been with my DH for 14 years. We have a 3 year old DD.
A few weeks ago he came home from work and stated that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. It was quite late and I was in shock. The following day he left to go back to his mums. He was back within 10 mins with MIL in tow and she wouldn’t take him because he couldn’t give a reason for walking out on his family so suddenly. We had a talk and decided that we would try to make it work as it felt as if we’d drifted apart. Fast forward 5 weeks and we are carrying on as normal and he’s not really trying. There’s no intimacy or physical contact of any kind and I can only describe it like we’re house mates.
I noticed that he was on his phone a lot and active on social media. His phone was on silent etc. So alarm bells are ringing. I have checked his phone to find that he’s been talking to someone else. I have delved deeper and it seems they worked together and were referring to each other as best friends. The messages contain nothing sexual but he has been buying her trainers/ hoodies/ vapes etc and he takes her dinner to her workplace. They seem to have been the pub together for a pint a couple of times. He’s said he’s not cheated on me and the only reason he hasn’t told me is because she’s a girl and I would feel like she’s a threat. She’s also in her own relationship. He said they are best friends and he doesn’t love her he loves me. I don’t know this girl and have never met her. I just don’t know what on earth to think and I am beyond devastated at the sneaking around and deceit. Is she using him for the gifts? He said he wants to move forward with me. I just don’t know what to think. Any thoughts you may have to try and help me to make sense of this would be so appreciated.

OP posts:

Eggygirl · 30/10/2022 19:22

Let's face it, sexual involvement or not, this, at the very least, is an emotional affair.
Now, you'll get loads of people on here saying he's allowed to be friends with whoever he wants, you'd be trying to control him if you asked him not to be friends with her anymore, men and women are allowed to be friends, you're insecure blah blah blah.
But the real issues are: how do you feel about it? And if not, and you asked him to desist with the friendship,would you trust him? Do you still want to continue to try working things out knowing what you now know? You need some space. Just because his mum won't take him back, doesn't mean his only option is to be in the family home so you can still ask him to leave, if that's what you want

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2022 19:24

I would think he would not be so forgiving of you if the shoe was on the other foot.

He is having an emotional affair with this woman and he’s flip flopping between you and she therefore having his cake and eating it too. Take some power back.

What do you want going forward?. Do not stay with him for the sake of your child.

I would tell him to leave (where he goes is not your problem)and seek legal advice for yourself re separation and or divorce. You do not have to act on this straight away but knowledge here is power.

Read chumpladys website too as well as Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Legselevens · 30/10/2022 19:29

I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t buy my friends presents like that. Very strange, red flags 🚩all round for me. He has not been honest. Your self esteem and the doubt is creeping in, don’t do this to yourself. Listen to your gut. These types of people always ‘SAY’ what they think you want to hear but their actions tell you everything in my opinion.

Maytodecember · 30/10/2022 19:32

The messages contain nothing sexual but he has been buying her trainers/ hoodies/ vapes etc and he takes her dinner to her workplace. They seem to have been the pub together for a pint a couple of times. He’s said he’s not cheated on me and the only reason he hasn’t told me is because she’s a girl and I would feel like she’s a threat. She’s also in her own relationship. He said they are best friends and he doesn’t love her he loves me.

I might buy my friend ( male or female) one gift for a birthday or Christmas but I wouldn’t buy trainers, hoodies and vapes. As pp have said it’s an emotional affair at the least and he’s not putting any effort into his marriage is he? If his mum hadn’t brought him back where would he be now and doing what?
It doesn’t sound very hopeful, I’d be telling him to move out and rebuild my life for myself.

NoodleSoup12 · 30/10/2022 20:00

OP, I’m going to say something that will sound strange but I think is logical — he did the right thing by trying to leave you. Tell him you should have let him go, and let him go. It will keep things amicable, because that’s what you need to focus on now — your marriage is over, unless you are the one person in the world who’s keen to be with someone who isn’t in love with them. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but fgs let it happen so you can all move on with your lives.

layladomino · 30/10/2022 20:05

He wanted to leave you, and now you find out that he's having an EA (at least). These 2 things are connected, one way or another.

Does he often buy his friends random gifts and bring them lunch? I expect not. Does he frequently buy you random gifts?

He can say what he likes, but this is someone he's lied about, secretly messaging, buying gifts for, sharing lunch with..... at just the same time as he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.................hmmmm

You deserve better.

Fearneyox · 30/10/2022 20:10

Kudos to your MIL for marching him straight back. However, if he’s involved with another girl, he did the right thing by trying to leave. Just a shame he won’t come clean about the real reason.

dudsville · 30/10/2022 20:12

He doesn't want to be with you. I can't imagine the shock you must have felt, but i can imagine how it might skew one's capacity to see things clearly. He may be having some sort of mid life crisis, but it's disrespectful to you and he doesn't want to be with you right now. It's weird his mum brought him home, like a naughty child! Surely as an adult he must have other options for moving out?

eatsleepwinerepeat · 30/10/2022 20:14

NoodleSoup12 · 30/10/2022 20:00

*I don't think the above sounds strange at all. Men rarely leave without a 'bridge'. That's what this women is (at the least).
He tried to leave you but didn't have the balls to tell his Mum why.
Do as the above poster says and let him go.

Good luck x*

KangarooKenny · 30/10/2022 20:37

She does want him yet, she’s enjoying the attention. He’ll go IF she actually wants him. I suspect she won’t.

frozendaisy · 30/10/2022 20:52

He calls her a girl.

Tell him to go to his mum's and if she marches him back tell her exactly why he can't stay.

Sounds like his mum doesn't want him either and is using "keep the family together" as the excuse of "it's great now he's out of my house"

DesMoulinsRouge · 30/10/2022 20:57

Yeah you should let him go and tell his mother why.

MrMrsJones · 30/10/2022 21:03

He's had his head turned by this women.

Don't be second best, kick him out tell his mum why and move on x

skeemee · 30/10/2022 21:07

If my DH had a “best friend” that I didn’t know existed, I would think this very strange. You would normally chat about meeting friends, what you did, what was happening in their lives, any gossip etc….
to have a completely secret bestie is just weird (and extremely unlikely).

MsDogLady · 30/10/2022 21:09

Rainbow, this is emotional infidelity. Your H has been secretly building intimacy with this OW, spending family money on her, and meeting up for pub dates. He hasn’t put in the work to fix your marriage because he is having an affair.

You can’t trust this sneaky liar. Send him back to his mother and tell her why. If she won’t have him, that’s his problem.

NegativeNelly · 30/10/2022 21:11

No the buying the gifts is so wrong! Why are they suddenly best friends if they don't work together for a while?... I'd let him know you feel uncomfortable with it considering the relationship is already on tender hooks and if he really wants the relationship to work he would be doing anything and everything to reassure and make you guys stronger!

Flip