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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When someone gets in contact years later

15 replies

Whatalife88 · 30/10/2022 19:00

Back story, I was 17, working in the NHS, got forced to work with someone who I'd seen around and judged too quick, thought 'oh no', worked with said guy who was 19 at the time. Turns out he's actually great and so caring, we become friends quickly but he has a girlfriend and I find myself becoming attracted to him and I get the impression he thinks the same but he's respectful of his girlfriend. They then break up, it all comes out but he tells me he has to move to another country to study. Off he goes. My young teenage, at this point 18 almost 19 self has fallen in love with someone she can't have. We decide to remain friends. We add each other on social media, life happens, we don't speak like we said we would. I meet someone and have 3 kids. I've been with him a long time and married for 5 years. All is good. My teenage love also marries around the same time as I do. Has 2 children. Seems happy. We may have shared a like or 2 and an occasional happy birthday every few years on our public walls but nothing private. Today, I get a facebook message, 15 years later from him asking me how I am and saying that he was contacting me as he was watching my favourite sports team from across the globe. I say it's nice to hear. We talk about the sport, it's all a bit hit and miss, we have brief conversation about our kids. So why do I come away thinking so much about the past? Why am I even questioning anything? I didn't think he thought of me anymore even in a friendship capacity and I was just sat there on his list of friends. Over the years he's had clearouts of people he no longer speaks to and I am someone he no longer speaks to, yet he never removed me. He lives in another country (not even europe) and I would love to think that from teenagers to adults in mid 30s we could have some form of friendship but it's not realistic but why message? Why do I overthink?🤣

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 30/10/2022 19:08

He was either drunk or had had a fight with his wife and was looking for some positive female attention. Don’t go there. You have a marriage and children and that’s where you need to focus your attention, not going all moon eyed over a teenage crush.

Whatalife88 · 30/10/2022 19:10

I don't think drunk as it would have been about 9am where he is but you could be correct on the other front I guess.

OP posts:
Mañanarama · 30/10/2022 19:15

I am like this with a couple of exes. We never miss birthday messages but can go years without any meaningful conversation, then something relevant crops up and there’s a flurry of messages. It’s nice. You’re overthinking it, he just saw something and thought of you and checked in to say hi.

DatingDinosaur · 30/10/2022 20:20

Yeah massively overthinking.

I’ve recently been in touch with someone I lost touch with from 10 years ago after clearing out a cupboard and finding a ticket from a gig we went to together. We had a good catch up, made promises not to leave it so long next time. And then another 10 years will go by…

The difference here is, you have romantic back-history with this guy and the nostalgia has come flooding back, along with maybe wondering if he has an ulterior motive.

Its nice to catch up with old friends or lovers if there was no animosity on parting. It doesn’t have to mean a thing.

Don't overthink it.

Undecidedandtorn · 30/10/2022 20:22

I have this with my ex husband- he lives in NZ. I like it - we have a little chat and then don't talk for a while. Nothing in it.

Laughloudandlong · 31/10/2022 10:59

The main question is do you want something to happen? Are you unsure/unhappy in your life and looking for something more from the interactions?

Been on the other side of this, where my ex got totally obsessed with an old flame and just through online contacting decided the grass was greener. The old flame wasn't even interested in a relationship but dangled the possibility and they blew up our life. Ultimately (through therapy and reflection) realised it was better to be apart but it was a painful way to learn a person's true colours and their true feelings about me and our family.

If you have any hints this triggers romantic, affair type thoughts talk to your partner and possibly a counsellor. Don't keep it from them, if you think about not telling them then you are hiding some deep issues.

If none of the above is applicable then enjoy the harmless chats.

Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 11:49

I would love to think that from teenagers to adults in mid 30s we could have some form of friendship

Why? What is it that this friendship would provide for you that you can't get elsewhere?

Have you told your husband about this guy getting in touch?

Whatalife88 · 31/10/2022 15:42

Yes, my husband knows we have always remained friends on social media but also knows we don't really speak. When he messaged, I said out loud 'oh wasn't expecting to hear from him again', my husband asked who and I said the persons name. He said it was odd and that was the end of the conversation with my husband about it. As for what I would get from a friendship again, I don't know, I don't really have any close friends who I speak to about life, would be nice to reconnect with someone I used to

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 31/10/2022 16:20

Can you talk to your husband about the way you feel about having a friendship with this man, and how he's made you think of the past? If not, then decide on how committed you are to your relationship. Don't go further down a path you'd have to hide from your husband.

Ithurtbad · 01/11/2022 03:23

Just be careful and it's nice he checked to see if your okay but continue enjoying your family.

He obviously thinks of you but don't go there.

Hawkins001 · 01/11/2022 03:36

All the best op

Butterfly44 · 01/11/2022 05:09

Overthinking it.

A memory stirred that's all. Not a big deal and doesn't mean anything

autienotnaughty · 01/11/2022 05:49

It's one of two things -

Either he randomly thought of you due to the game snd decided to message and there's no more thought behind it

Or he's annoyed at his wife/unhappy and wants attention else where

I'd treat it like it's the first one and move on.

PartysOver · 01/11/2022 06:04

Why do you care? You don’t know him, you were kids when you knew each other a bit for a couple of years. Now a brief written conversation and you’re making something out of it. You sound about 14.

Campervangirl · 01/11/2022 06:27

I wouldn't read too much into it, you crossed his mind and he contacted you.
I was in a long relationship with dd df from being a teenager, pretty toxic, dd has no relationship with df but as years passed he would randomly message me, fb friends, we'd have a convo then not speak for years, then out of the blue he'd message again, Id think I would randomly cross his mind from time to time and he'd reach out.
He died this year, suddenly, I think I'll miss those random messages but they did used to unsettle me a bit, take me back to the past, remembering the good and the bad.

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