Sister can never say anything nice

[Louloukadou]

Really struggling with how to deal with my sister! Anyone have any advice?

She can be very opinionated and judgemental.
We have kids the same age but she never says anything nice about my kids achievements, no well done or interested in what they've been upto. Feel like I can't talk about them as soon changes the subject.

She really upset me yesterday, after I told her my son had done really well in his sport - big achievement for his age(he has worked really hard) and all she said was a judgemental comment about it only being for fun and that it should stay that way. No well done! Fuming!

Jealousy. Mine is the same.

Yes my sister is like this, never has anything nice to say about me and every time I do something of note she's got something negative or unkind to say. I can't recall her ever being happy for me. In my case I think its because she isn't very happy with her life and compares herself to others, especially me. She likes me to be having some sort of catastrophe going on, that tends to make her feel better.

@MidnightConstellation that's what I think about my sister but I have no idea why, she's richer, done better in life, had happier relationships, never has crises or other issues. It almost makes it feel worse because arguably I have had a pretty tough time of it yet she's still there poised to beat me down even further.

Perhaps there are things you don’t know about. Appearances can be very deceptive.

What a fucking bitch

@JosephFrancis sounds like something mine would say. If I ever pull her up on it she accuses me of being oversensitive/unable to take a joke etc. She will NEVER accept fault or say sorry, it's always your fault for somehow misinterpreting her comments as nasty.

I was thinking jealousy too, but for her to be like that about her nephew is really low and nasty. Kids are all different. How can you not be happy when they do well, I don't understand it.

You deal with her by naming the elephant in the room.
e.g:
... judgemental comment about it only being for fun and that it should stay that way. No well done!
"You can't ever bring yourself to say anything positive can you? Why do you think that is?"

She will likely bluster or push back in some way.
"Just putting it out there as something for you to consider sis. Anyway - are you going to mum's on sunday? We'll be there around 11 ..."

That's so awful and so bitter!

I had a friend like this. Cut her out of my life. No one needs negative crap like that. It more difficult when it is family. I would limit what time you spend with her and the amount you ask about her kids. If she was a friend no doubt you would distance yourself.

@Flowerfairy101 -
"Funny how it's only YOU I have this so-called sense of humour failure & sensitivity with innit sis? My friends all find me hilarious & robust."

That's really helpful thank you. I wish I had said something at the time, but easy in hindsight hey.
I hate confrontation, but sick of her snide comments especially when aimed at my kids

@Louloukadou was she like that towards you growing up? I've got to the point with my sister where I just dont tell her important things, won't go out of my way to see her and trying to accept that she isn't magically going to be the caring pleasant sister I want her to be.

That's a pleasure Loulou. I have family members like this too & it's an odd dynamic - I imagine you take no crap in everyday life, but a lifetime of being conditioned by relatives to tolerate low-level verbal abuse does odd things to the psyche.

I hate confrontation
Try to reframe this ... most of us hate confrontation.
But being assertive is not about being confrontational.
Your sister relies on the family dynamic to allow her to insult your without consequence. So you need to deliver that consequence. She will NOT like it! & you are likely to encounter some Extinction Burst behaviours -
www.allanarobinson.com/extinctionbursts/
eg she will double down, tell you you are being Too Sensitive, that she Didn't Mean It Like That, that you Can't Take A Joke - or even dredge up some more mean remarks. It will all be designed to put you back in your box, so that she can remain comfortable as the disher out of insults to your meek acceptance.

It will fade when you stick to your guns.
It takes practice, & the first time is hard, but it gets easier.
This is why you need a couple of go-to phrases, short & breezy - almost just a quick commentary on what she has said (Name The Elephant!)
When she pushes back - don't back down, reiterate.
"That's right Susan, you do it a lot, I'm just pointing it out to help you notice when you are doing it. Now, are you having tea or coffee?"

The subject change is important.
If gives her an out, & gives YOU a way of steering the agenda back to bland neutrality.

Here's a golden oldie of a book to help you practice asserting yourself without being confrontational ... or allowing your sister to confront/browbeat you.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208