Long post but struggling and not sure what to do

[Laurenplus2]

I’m probably going to get slated here but please read before judging
I separated from my ex about 8 months ago. I had been with him for just over 13 years. I had my first child very soon into the relationship. I knew when pregnant that I didn’t want to be with him but “the right thing to do” at the time was to make a go of it. Which we did and had another child a few years later. I think I just drifted through the relationship putting all my focus on my children. My ex was a nice man for most of the time at the beginning and to other people we seemed like a very happy family. Behind closed doors though it was different. Over the years we both tried to make a happy home for our kids and to be honest we became more like flat mates than partners. There was zero intimacy, constant fights and lots of emotional abuse. Throughout the relationship he made me feel stupid and ugly and was made feel like I could never survive without him. He constantly criticised me and put me down even in front of family who called him out on it a couple of times. Even his own family could see the way he treated me was bad. When he’d look for sex and I said no he would roar around the house ranting to himself about it making it uncomfortable for me and the children. I had wanted to leave for years but never felt like I could and wanted my kids to have a mom and dad every day.
So fast forward to about a year ago and I started chatting to an ex from when I was young. We were always good friends but he made me realise that I wasn’t stupid or ugly and that I deserved to be treated with respect. After talking for a while I’m ashamed to say we started a relationship. I hated myself for doing it but I had lost my mom and dad in the one year and I just needed someone to lean on. Sounds a bit pathetic but it’s the truth. I left my ex for this person and we are still together but as bad as my ex was I am still eaten away with guilt for cheating on him and taking my kids away from their home. They see their dad all the time. We share custody but I feel like he still has this control over me. I am afraid to be seen anywhere with my current partner and I feel like I have been the worst person in the world to my ex and my children. I am not coping with this at all. I have support from my current partner and my family but I feel I am just looking at my life from the outside and I don’t know who I am anymore or what the hell I was thinking in doing this. Will this guilt ever go? I have never done anything remotely like this before and I wonder if the deaths of my parents could have suffered me a breakdown or something. Can anyone recommend anywhere I can get help. I’ve spoken to my family doctor but she keeps throwing pills at me. I feel I need more help than that. Thanks for reading x

I'm so sorry you're struggling OP. Please don't feel ashamed for removing your children from their father - it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for all of you to be in and you're enabling contact so you have no reason to feel guilty.

Losing your mum and dad and exiting an abusive relationship will all have taken their toll on your mental health and it's no wonder you're feeling very vulnerable.

It sounds like counselling could really benefit you. Would family finances support you looking for some affordable sessions - the BACP website is a good place to start?

You could also have a look at doing the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
They do an online version but I have a feeling meeting other survivors of abusive relationships might really benefit you. There's a full list of all face to face courses here:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/avs.php?search=+&Submit=Submit

Good luck OP, you deserve to move on and be happy

It sounds like you did the right thing so don’t beat yourself up about it - I hope your new man treats you better

Thank you both so much xx I was absolutely terrified writing that because I know some people would view what I did as very wrong regardless of the situation at home. My new fella treats me like a princess I’ve never before felt so important to anyone. I do worry and feel guilty about having him in my kids lives though I don’t want their opinion of me to change but I’ve told them a million times that they come before anyone else in the world

Sorry but just need to get this off my chest as I’ve barely slept thinking about it. My youngest is very close to me and is not finding the separation easy or my new relationship. Since I separated from my ex my new partner has been “moms friend” but he’s wanting more now and is sick of hiding. My youngest just doesn’t seem to want to accept it and I spent most of last night trying to get him to understand that I’m not replacing his dad. His dad will always be his only dad. I hate upsetting my kids Ive always been there for them 100% of my time and I think he’s afraid I won’t be anymore no matter how I try to reassure him. I’m so stuck I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should tell my current partner it’s over and just go back to it being just me and the kids or else I feel like I should go back to their dad so they will be happy again. I don’t know what to do and I’ve been thinking since last night that they would be better off without me in the picture altogether as I’ve ruined their little lives. My heart is broken over it all. Sorry but just have to vent somewhere

Don't go back to your ex. You knew from the very start that was a bad decision and so it proved, though you have your DC now so that's a positive from it. The only other positive is your decision to leave your ex. As you say, it's a shame that had to involve cheating, but perhaps that's what it took to make the break. Whether you stay with the new guy or not is something for you to figure out, but generally it is helpful to have some time to yourself rather than going from an abusive relationship straight into a new relationship, without having recovered and worked on building your self-esteem separate to a man. So if new guy is pressuring you and your DC are struggling - as are you - then it sounds like no bad thing to take a step back from new guy for now. If he's worthwhile, he'll understand and still be there down the line, but if he's not, that's okay too. You need time for you and the DC to process this and establish a new stability. A new man changing things or going back to the old toxic guy is not going to help. Take care of yourself and your DC. You sound self-aware now so own your decisions and your ability to make better ones not fall back into passive habits.

There’s a middle ground here - you could continue your relationship but just back off him being involved with your kids. In the best of circumstances 8 months is pretty quick to introduce a new partner, much less so soon after separation. Your new guy needs to understand that what he wants in your relationship takes a back seat to what your kids can tolerate - if he doesn’t he’s not the lovely guy you think he is.

Your kids will understandably be unsettled by all the change this year, I’d give them all the time they need with no expectation that they accept the new guy into their lives or their home.

I don’t want their opinion of me to change but I’ve told them a million times that they come before anyone else in the world

You can say they come first but they will watch your actions - they need much more time to adjust, putting them first means giving them that time. I also think there’s a lot of wisdom in what@Pinkdelight3 says, knowing who you are and where your boundaries are coming out of an abusive relationship takes time.

First, stop beating yourself up. You deserve to be happy, you’re marriage didn’t make either of you happy by the sounds of it.
I agree with backing off from your new partner, your dc need time to adjust to a new way of life.
Leaving and going back to your husband will only make things worse. He’s not going to forgive you for an affair ( in his eyes) and you’ll have this thrown at you forever more.
Sit tight, concentrate on yourself and your children. Start making new routines for yourselves to build a sense of security. Allow yourself to be happy.

Thanks for advice I’m going to try to pick myself up and do more with the kids when they’re with me. I haven’t brought my new partner into the home as my boyfriend yet, he doesn’t share my room with me or anything like that he just visits and goes away at night and if he does stay it’s on the couch. I agree with the backing off thing though and I’m going to speak to him about it. My boys are typical boys though and spend most of their time on the Xboxes and probably won’t want to be out doing things with me 😊 I knew it would be hard when I left, that’s why it took me so long to do it but I never thought it would be this hard.

It’s not so much about being out and about with them, sorting out routines so day to day things are predictable, having some 1:1 time doing stuff even if that’s setting the dinner table or putting away laundry - time that they can talk if they want to. It’s very hard, but also worth it for the sense of peace and safety.

Yes I do make sure to do this kind of thing with them all the time. That was what I always told them that I would try my best to keep their routine etc the same as it always was which it is but I just feel absolutely useless to them. My mind is full of what ifs and if onlys. Haven’t stopped crying or over thinking for weeks . My head and body are drained. All I want is to be happy and have a peaceful life but it seems like I’ve gone the wrong way about it completely

You’re all still in a time of transition - emotions will run high at times but raising your kids in an abusive relationship was never going to be the answer. I’m recently separated and both my kids main concern was whether I’d get a “new husband”, reassuring them that I wouldn’t was important - they need time to adjust and process the loss of their dad, as do I.

You came out of one relationship while in another (no judgement at all), which means you’ve had time to process the change but they haven’t. Just be sensitive to their needs, be aware that they will need time. Do you see your new partner without the kids present, eg if the kids are with their dad? Keeping them separate for a while isn’t about hiding your new relationship, it’s being respectful to your kids process.

Youve all had a huge amount of change recently - slow down and give yourself time to catch your breath.