How do I find the strength to leave my abusive H?

[HeartBrokenWife]

I've made a previous post about this but will recap for anyone interested. I was in shock when I wrote the original post, but also very angry and determined to leave my H. He's abused me emotionally for over two decades and it has become far worse since Covid when he's been at home for the past two years and therefore able to verbally abuse me over and over all day long - before this he worked abroad a lot and I was able to get on with my life in peace when he was away.

In between his bouts of verbal denigration/telling me what I feel (which is never what I actually feel)/accusing me of things I haven't done etc he becomes 'nice' and 'friendly' and acts as though nothing has happened. I've read a lot about this phenomenon lately and I know that I am traumatically bonded to the evil sod, so how do I become unbonded?

I'm having therapy and the lady I'm seeing is trying to help me gain the strength to leave, but it's very difficult because I'm in my early 60s, not in good health, have no money of my own and run a business from home for which I have had premises especially built and which I can't pick up and take with me. I have also taken out a big (for me) loan to have the premises built and I have only paid off a bit of the outstanding amount so that debt also hangs over me if I can't continue to trade.

I realised just how much I hated my H after I overheard him excitedly talking to a young female colleague (he's her boss) who is 37 years younger than me, and arranging to meet up. They live in different countries so have been 'friends' for two years, but this was their first opportunity to meet because they were due to work in the same country and air tickets had been bought for them both. I asked him why he was so excited and speaking tenderly (he has a special tender voice when he wants something) to a work colleague and he said that he was just a friendly guy. I asked to look at his emails etc and found that he was only 'friendly' with this young woman, and not with any of his other colleagues. He follows her on Insta, messages her on WhatsApp etc, but doesn't do this with any of his other colleagues (all male).

I found some very incriminating messages between them and I still feel hollowed out inside just as I did a month back when I discovered what he was doing. I have trusted him for over 20 years and have been completely faithful myself should add. I have never 'snooped' but I actually overheard him talking to her when I went upstairs for a shower and had to come down again because I forgot something.

I know that I NEED to leave because I am so unhappy that every day feels like a struggle to get through without alternately crying/feeling angry/ feeling worthless, but I'm scared. How did other women do it? I need some help if anyone has any to give me please. Sorry my post is so long by the way.

If you are married you have some protection - on divorce property, investments and pensions will be split so you shouldn't come out of this situation with nothing. Perhaps now is the time to consult a solicitor to discuss what your likely situation will be.

others will come on and suggest other things.

start getting your ducks in a row.

This process is what MN calls ´getting your ducks in a row’.
You’ve made the decision that the relationship is over, and now before announcing that to your H, you’re going to start doing a few things to make the process possible and a little less uncomfortable.
Are you worried your H will react violently at all? If you’re not worried about that, you have more safe options. If you are worried about that, give women’s aid and the police (not urgent line) a call to get professional advice about how to leave safely.
Assuming you’re not worried about violence, there are some things you can start doing this week.
First up, open a bank account in your name only, using a bank that neither you or your Husband currently use for anything else. Once the account is active, you’ll have a safe space to store money that your H has no access to. This is not about hiding money, anything you take out of joint accounts will probably be taken into account during the financial split BUT it will give you the ability to unilaterally spend money on things you need to separate - that could be a rental deposit if you want to move out of the shared house, that could be legal fees, it could be just ordinary expenses if he turns nasty and starts to be financially abusive on top of the emotional abuse. You need this ready to go ASAP.
Next, get an initial consultation with a divorce lawyer. You need to know how a split will work in your situation, most importantly financially. If you are married then everything is joint, and the split will be based on housing and supporting you both in the future as fairly as possible, taking into account your needs and future earning potential. You especially need to find out how this will affect your business - no one can tell you that based on the info you’ve given here, you need legal help with this one. Go to the meeting having already looked up the basics on how divorces work in your country - you don’t need to pay a solicitor to tell you the basics, you need a solicitor to tell you what’s a reasonable split in your specific circumstances.
Armed with that info. Have a think about what you want life to look like during the divorce process and afterwards. Your H obviously gets a say in this too, but there are different ways of doing things and it will help you to know what you want don’t want/will accept/ will not accept before you have the divorce conversation. If your property has space and violence is not an issue, then you could both continue living in the property until either it’s sold or one of you buys the other out, for instance. This is probably the cheapest solution because it means there is less money being spent during that time, but it may not be livable for you, and if you both own the property then one of you can’t legally force the other out (barring proven domestic abuse). If you do this then you live as two separate entities within the house - no shared cooking, no doing his washing etc.
Regarding the emotional abuse. Remember now you are leaving him. His opinion of you is now worth nothing. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you anymore, you’re dropping the rope. Let anything he says wash over you. Don’t react to anything that isn’t a direct request for information he actually needs to have. Lots of people find this easier to do in writing rather than in person. Look up the ´gray rock technique’.

Sorry, I’ve accidentally misled the forum. I’ve already seen a solicitor and she’s drawing up whatever document I need to begin divorce proceedings. That was about two weeks ago when I was so angry that I just wanted out of my marriage. Still no sign of the papers and I’m getting cold feet. I need some sort of kick up the ar$e to get me back on track I’m afraid 😧

Oh good! You’ve done that important step already then. Did she not talk to you about how your finances would likely be split? You do need advice on that if you haven’t had any already.
And what about a bank account? Do you have one just for you? Do you have access to joint savings?
Another way to start thinking about the split money-wise is to talk to your business accountant (or get one if you don’t have one already). They will know what kind of company it is and who has a what stake in it. An accountant can also help with managing the split between the business’s money and your personal money. For instance if access to money is currently an issue then your accountant might have advice about how to maximize your personal income from the business and let the business make a smaller profit or zero profit this year. Or if actually your husband doesn’t have much of a state or claim to your business then maybe it’s better for you to be paid less and the business make a higher profit. You need a professional to sort this though. It needs to be within the bounds of the law and all above board or you’ll cause yourself issues with the financial split.

Thanks 😊 Yes, she did explain what I might be entitled to. It’s a bit complicated because we both have our own businesses and both have loans, amongst other problems that will make things more convenient complex.

I don’t trust H and I’m not sure what he’s up to after he shouted at me today that he wishes he’d had more fun with his young ‘friend’. I’m swinging hopelessly between hatred of him and self hatred. I’m going to lose so much financially, but will gain peace if I leave. I’m feeling wobbly and don’t know which way to jump. I’ll be in debt for the rest of my life if I leave because I can’t earn enough to repay my debt if I can no longer work. There again he might leave me for his young lover any day so I’d be better off emotionally by leaving the marriage ‘voluntarily’. Not that I would have volunteered to leave, despite his abuse, if he’d not cheated. I’m working my way round to hating him again!!

I was in a coercive, controlling marriage for 16 years during which time all self confidence was eroded. I knew that I could never leave; she demanded that I account for every last penny of my wages so that there no chance of saving enough to do a moonlight flit. I felt my only way out was to take my own life by driving into a bridge support and was close to doing so on many occasions.

One day I came home and found that she had agreed to sell our home. She had already decided that we were going to move closer to my step-daughters. I simply told her I was leaving. To this day I do not know where the courage came from, but as soon as I said it life became easier.

I knew I would be broke. I went from living in a detached 4 bedroom house with a double garage, new car, etc., to living in a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere in Lincolnshire. My new car went to her and I then drove a 15 year old banger. I was happier than I had ever been for years.

This was just over twenty years ago and I have never looked back. Forget about financial consequences, dig deep, find your strength and get out now while there is still a chance to rebuild yourself and your life.

Best wishes.

That debt is a mortgage or a business loan right? So you don’t have to repay it out of your wages. Something was bought with that money and that something can most likely be sold again to pay off the debt. Also, if a business goes bust that doesn’t necessarily mean the owner of the business loses all their money and is liable for all the debt. Businesses can also be sold. It all depends on the way the business was set up. You need an accountant OP.

Do you have any joint savings? If you do I would move 50% to my own account. Might enrage your husband but it’s 50% yours. My friend didn’t have access to the joint money, stbxh made it all disappear so it didn’t show in divorce case. Divorce finalised, he got it all back ( and bought himself a new top of the range car)
Chase up your solicitor. Also pp advice to now ignore your husband and his opinions is spot on.
You can do this, your life will be happier and more peaceful without him.

Hi OP, a tip to avoid wobbling - make a list of practical things you need to do. Eg hide possessions you hold dear that he may covet or use to bargain with. IMO don’t leave your house — your work is there and there’s no reason why you would leave instead of him. If you had the house alone could you get a lodger in to cover the bills? Or even two?! Good luck. You’re doing the right thing. I wouldn’t trade peace in my heart for anything.

Hi, I’m 64 and divorcing my husband this year after a long marriage.I don’t know what the future holds but it must be better than the present.

Ive been a STAHM most of my marriage and have no income of my own.But we have joint accounts and jointly own our home. We are selling the family home and I will get possibly half of his pension. I will make it work whatever happens.

The other posters have given you brilliant advice, and I am going to use it myself.

Write down all the horrible things he has done and said and how miserable he makes you feel. Read it when you are feeling weak.Write down all the things that you will be free to do in the future and what things you can do. Read that often.

I don’t know about the business and the premises and you need to talk to your solicitor again so you understand what that all means. Is it possible that when you sell the house the recently built premises will bring in a higher price and that would effectively pay off some/all of your loan.

Keep your eyes on the prize.It can only get better.