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Original poster

Sex... Is it me or the perimenopause?

43 replies

Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 12:49

Hi,
Age 48, separated a few years young kids. In pretty good shape, on Tinder and Bumble, no real problem attracting men BUT...

I can't seem to get 'into' kissing or sex. I'm not really there in the moment, I'm observing, feeling kinda numb. I have great freedom as my kids are at their Dads at least one night most weekends. I could have lovers but I'd rather not bother. Last night an attractive sexy man who I don't want a relationship with but is very keen on me drove me home after a party... we kissed.... I wasn't bothered. He was a nuisance... they all are :-(

I do want love in my life. It's been 18mths since I was serious about someone. We were only together a few months and it ended traumatically...
I dated someone for a few months this summer and I was warming to him sexually but he kinda ghosted.... I actually think he was dishonest about being open to a relationship.

Sex is important to me. I don't to lose it. And I real want to fall in love for the rest of my life. There is a sex problem here, but I also feel like I'm 'seeing through' these guys too easily... may be being judgemental. It also doesn't help that I live in a smallish town. The men here aren't really my kind of people? Not many attractive single men my age

I don't want to see celibate and alone. Is this my age and hormones or a trauma response? I'm on the pill as HRT, doc says its enough for me for now. Can I get the sexual and romantic energy back? Or is this just what happens to some women. Very sad about it.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 30/10/2022 13:24

I found that I lost my libido at about that time, also got the ick.

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:38

I'm on the pill as HRT, doc says its enough for me for now. Can I get the sexual and romantic energy back? Or is this just what happens to some women. Very sad about it

This made me angry. Your doctor is a fcking idiot. The pill will only tie you over for so long. Have a look at the effects the contraceptive pill has on SHBG and levels of total testosterone and free testosterone. I don't think women should be put on estrogen or progesterone without also being offered testosterone. The exceptions to that would be women with a history of high testosterone levels. It's not a magic solution, but for many women, testosterone makes a difference and it takes about 6 weeks to kick in.

It seems like GPs up and down the country will do absolutely ANYTHING to avoid prescribe HRT. If you aren't happy and you are having libido and desire issues, it's not 'enough for you right now'. Only you can make that decision.

HRT does carry increase health risks.......but then the contraceptive pill does as well.....and you don't see them being hesitant to prescribe that.

DramaAlpaca · 30/10/2022 13:40

I'm on the pill as HRT, doc says its enough for me for now

What a load of tripe from your doctor! The pill isn't HRT. You are 48 so almost certainly in perimenopause. Go back to your GP, preferably a different one with a bit of sense, and insist on a prescription for HRT. It will help, you need your oestrogen back to improve your libido if that's what you want.

I can't advise on the dating side of your post, but can tell you for sure that your libido doesn't have to fall off a cliff in your late 40s.

DramaAlpaca · 30/10/2022 13:42

And yes to testosterone if you need it as @EarthSight says, but you might find standard HRT alone is enough I did

inininsomnia · 30/10/2022 13:46

The pill killed my libido for many long years... I had no interest in kissing or anything.

category12 · 30/10/2022 13:49

inininsomnia · 30/10/2022 13:46

The pill killed my libido for many long years... I had no interest in kissing or anything.

Yes, the pill is known to reduce sex drive.

As suggested, go back to the gp. Or different one.

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:50

Go back to your GP. Ask for a trial of testosterone. In some cases they might be reluctant to prescribe it off-label or the practice has prohibitions against doing this, so be prepared to push for it or to sk to be referred to a gynaecologist. They might not prescribe it to you if you have health conditions like PCOS.

Also consider regular HRT and start reading up on it (unless you have family health history or medical issues which again would make this unwise).

I would recommend looking into regulated bio-identical HRT (rBHRT). Not just bio-identical. Look into (rBHRT).

thebms.org.uk/publications/consensus-statements/bioidentical-hrt/

confessionstoday · 30/10/2022 13:53

The pill does not contain the same amount as HRT. I had this argument with my Dr.
But I think as you get older you just stop believing their shit and become way more fussy.

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:54

DramaAlpaca · 30/10/2022 13:42

And yes to testosterone if you need it as @EarthSight says, but you might find standard HRT alone is enough I did

Yes. Estrogen is also key, and for some women, make more difference than testosterone. It just depends on the woman. The less medicine someone has to remember to take the better, so glad it worked out for you. :)

ArcticSkewer · 30/10/2022 13:55

Try women.

A lot of women in their 40s and 50s suddenly discover they prefer relationships with women.

Original poster
Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 13:57

Nice idea. But I tried women years ago and definitely not for me. I like the creative solution though :)

OP posts:
Inasec24 · 30/10/2022 13:57

Try and see a different doctor - you need proper HRT

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 13:58

confessionstoday · 30/10/2022 13:53

The pill does not contain the same amount as HRT. I had this argument with my Dr.
But I think as you get older you just stop believing their shit and become way more fussy.

As far as I'm aware it's also not the same form of type of hormones. It also does not allow any fine tuning of estrogen/progesterone ratio (as far as I'm aware), not in the same way as HRT does.

I've rasied some points with GPs and gynaecologists....and you know what? No one can answer my questions. They all get tongue tied. NONE of them can tell me why it's fine to give developing 16 year old girls synthetic hormones, completely stop their ovulation and modify their hormone levels, with deep-vein thrombosis and increased risk of certain cancers......but why it's so bloody hard still just to get a hormonal top-up.

Original poster
Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 14:05

Ok, girls.

So what I'm hearing is that this is probably a pill side effect? Not just age/ trauma?

I should add that I've only been on the pill a year, and before that I had a wild sex drive (and loads of men on the go). I never wanted to go on the pill at all but I had a sports injury, and tests revealed low bone density for my age (osteopenia - I am a petite woman and we often have low bone density) so doc put me on pill as combo as estrogen protects bone density. I have googled pill and sex drive lotsa time but internet keeps saying these things are usually psychological. And going on the pill had come soon after that traumatic break up so that's what i was thinking.

Also despite being on the pill I have had hot flashes at night for the first time in the last few weeks (horrendous - though stopped again now). My doc tells me HRT involves a lot more messing and still doesn't save you from all the symptoms, hence why I'm still on the pill.

So some of you have managed to turn it around?

Thanks so much for the responses, you're giving me hope. Sex drive is incredibly important.

OP posts:
Frostine · 30/10/2022 14:07

Have you lost all sexual desire ? Do you get off by yourself / vibrator ?
if you do you have sexual desire still which is good. If not , can you try a few times to see if you can Kickstarter yourself again. the
The old adage - Use it or lose it , works for desire as well.

KangarooKenny · 30/10/2022 14:10

I never had an orgasm until I came off the pill. It definitely affects your libido.

category12 · 30/10/2022 14:10

If you look at the NHS loss of libido web page, the pill is one of the 8 culprits listed. (Also menopause).

You need off the pill and onto proper hrt.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/10/2022 14:13

"I'm not really there in the moment, I'm observing, feeling kinda numb."

Isn't that nerves because these are all new men?

Original poster
Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 14:23

Yeah I was thinking I need to 'take matters into my own hands' LOL

I did manage once during the week. But it's work! LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 14:24

Yeah, there is that. Could be because I was drunk last night too. Everything is more real when you're sober.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 30/10/2022 14:29

I'm the same age as you and couldn't be more different - there's so many things possibly a factor I would explore this holistically, hrt isn't a miracle cure for all. I have the mirena and it seems to be keeping me ok for now.

ElephantLover · 30/10/2022 14:32

My sex drive went to zero when peri menopause kicked in. Restored within 2 months of HRT. The ick is gone and desire is back.
Much as testosterone drives the sex drive of a man, Estrogen drives the sex drive of a woman. Please get HRT and see the difference.

layladomino · 30/10/2022 18:02

I'm shocked at your doctor's ignorance.

There is no 'faff' with HRT - no more than with the pill anyway. It was miraculous for me - loads of symptms that I'd been suffering for months / years reduced or stopped within a month or so of taking it, and have stayed away since. It's marvellous stuff!!

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 21:23

Need2knowbasis · 30/10/2022 14:05

Ok, girls.

So what I'm hearing is that this is probably a pill side effect? Not just age/ trauma?

I should add that I've only been on the pill a year, and before that I had a wild sex drive (and loads of men on the go). I never wanted to go on the pill at all but I had a sports injury, and tests revealed low bone density for my age (osteopenia - I am a petite woman and we often have low bone density) so doc put me on pill as combo as estrogen protects bone density. I have googled pill and sex drive lotsa time but internet keeps saying these things are usually psychological. And going on the pill had come soon after that traumatic break up so that's what i was thinking.

Also despite being on the pill I have had hot flashes at night for the first time in the last few weeks (horrendous - though stopped again now). My doc tells me HRT involves a lot more messing and still doesn't save you from all the symptoms, hence why I'm still on the pill.

So some of you have managed to turn it around?

Thanks so much for the responses, you're giving me hope. Sex drive is incredibly important.

*So what I'm hearing is that this is probably a pill side effect? Not just age/ trauma?(

It's can be all those things. It can be a side effect of the pill, since it raises SHBG which lowers your amount of testosterone. It can also be perimenopause, as your hormones drop, mainly estrogen and testosterone again.

I have googled pill and sex drive lotsa time but internet keeps saying these things are usually psychological

They can be, but that's not the same as usually. There is an important physical component as well.

Also despite being on the pill I have had hot flashes at night for the first time in the last few weeks (horrendous - though stopped again now)

That's because the pill has been masking your issues for a while, but it can't do that anymore.

My doc tells me HRT involves a lot more messing and still doesn't save you from all the symptoms, hence why I'm still on the pill

This is bullshit. It comes across like your doctor is poorly trained and not confident with prescribing you. Instead of educating themselves or referring you, they're giving you less than ideal treatment.

It's true that HRT won't help every symptom for every woman. Sometimes it takes a while to find the correct dose and some might try different types, but that's no reason to out you off from trying it at all, which seems to be what's happening here. Apparently GPs are hardly trained in menopause and you can tell by these kinds of responses. They will not readily admit that I imagine.

EarthSight · 30/10/2022 21:25

layladomino · 30/10/2022 18:02

I'm shocked at your doctor's ignorance.

There is no 'faff' with HRT - no more than with the pill anyway. It was miraculous for me - loads of symptms that I'd been suffering for months / years reduced or stopped within a month or so of taking it, and have stayed away since. It's marvellous stuff!!

This. Someone is trying to hide the fact that they are are not as educated as they should be. I'm facing a battle at the moment with my healthcare and I feel they will do absolutely anything than trial me on estrogen.

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