How to make the leap!

[Freeflight]

Why is it so hard to make that final leap.
I have been on here a while and have had some amazing advice. I think I have checked our of my marriage a lot and feel like there is no way back, however it feels impossible making that step to really end things.

We are sleeping in separate rooms, but still get along well. We are good friends but his infidelity means I just can't imagine having an intimate relationship again.

He is content in separate rooms so far as it is what I have asked for, but during the past few weeks while I have been reflecting, trying to determine how to move forward, what the right choice is etc, he has not. He is just doing as I ask, no thought as to the future, if he is content with a sex less marriage etc.

I think he thinks I will bore of it and give in??
Why is it so hard?!
I was cheated on, so I went through the hurt and pain back then and now I am the one going through hurt and pain again as it will be me who has to end things and I will feel awful for it.

How do you get the guts to make a choice for yourself instead of putting everyone else first.

I know the kids won't be here forever and when they leave home it will just be us. But for now, their dad is trying to build amazing relationships with them and they adore him.

I am too young to be in a sex less marriage, but part of me thinks that as sex has always been pants, that maybe I'm just not a "sex" person and I should just forgive it and move on. But so much in our life has been about him prioritising himself above us all, I've made all the sacrifices, I deserve better than that right, I should strive for better.

He is doing better now, but it feels too late.

The person inside with low self esteem is saying stay, the person who wants to believe in her worth is saying the only choice is to go.

Arghhh why is it so hard.

I think you need space.
While he's there being content and building a wonderful relationship with his kids (which he should have been doing before) I dont think I would be able to get my thoughts straight.

You're so right though. Why should you be left with all the hard decisions & hard conversations when it was his dick move that put you here.

It's okay to be 20 types of furious about this shit position he's put you in.

@GroggyLegs you are probably right.
I'm not sure space is feesible at the moment what with costs going up and we are trying to maintain a family feel for the children as they are young.
I know I should just feel anger, but I feel guilty, sad and I think I pity him as he is very alone and struggles to build any meaningful relationships with people.

I really wouldn’t waste your energy feeling sorry for him. If he’s had an affair or affairs he doesn’t need to build meaningful relationships. It’s just sex to him.
A lot will depend on your children’s ages and if you work or can work.
Having your own job and money makes a difference.
If you can get him to stay with family for a while that will give you some time and space to see how you feel. Or perhaps you have someone you and the children could stay with?

A few things. He cheated on you so you have to decide if you want or can forgive.

He did this, so don’t feel sorry or guilty if you end it.

Has your sex life always been bad with him?

@Musti yes I'd say so. But I've always assumed that is because I have struggled as he is the only person I have been with.
However I think recently I have come to the realisation that he is also quite selfish in that department.
And I don't want to forgive. I want to stop being that person who let's people hurt them and just deals with it as if it's all OK.
I want to sit there and say that a line has been crossed that should never have been and that I deserved more.
@Maytodecember it would be difficult for either of us to stay with someone else due to location. I am 3hrs from family and he works from home so does the school run and his only option would be too far to do this.
Thankfully I work and have always returned to working full time after having both kids. I earn slightly more than he does.
Kids are 9 and 3.

You're trying to decide whether or not to try to 'settle' for a half descent 'Father' for your kids but a shitty 'partner' for you, or make the 'leap' and say 'Nope, I don't want this, I want a divorce.

You're already aware of how much he's hurt you, and that it's him who 'broke' your little family, and yet you're holding onto the idea that to say you want a divorce would somehow be your fault ? Nope. No way.

He broke the family. Now you need to decide if you're content to never be truly 'happy' again, just to try to save your DC from the upset of a divorce. (And remember, he's very, very likely to cheat again, because they always do ! So you're likely to be back here again in a few months, when he's been caught out with someone else...)

Sweetheart, you only live once. Is this truly the life you want for both yourself and your DC ? One of eternally 'pretending' ? One where you're having to hide the fact that you sleep in separate rooms from your kids ? Or make up lies to tell your kids about why you sleep separately ?

Think long and hard about whether you'll be happy living a 'lie' and being unhappy and unfulfilled forever, rather than bite the bullet and tell him it's over...

@oobeedoobee thanks for your honesty. I think I know what I need to do but am so bad at being the cause of pain and upset (I'll be the one who gives people a million chances even if it messes with my feelings)
I tried to say we should separate a few weeks back but he was distraught, then a few nights later I had to go down to check on him as he was crying so loudly. It makes me feel genuinely sick

You are not the cause of the pain and upset though, and the longer you keep telling yourself that you are, the harder this will get.

When people cheat, most of the time the marriage ends.
And without fail, people get really, badly, deeply hurt.
You know it, I know it, he knew it and he did it anyway.
He's a grown man, with choices & agency. Not a helpless child who was confused & couldn't see the consequences.

None of this is your doing. Not one bit.
He's the cause of the pain, not you.

Apart from the one he cheated on you with?

@ZooTropia yes, you are right. And I made excuses for it because I didn't think I was worth anything.
It was only one incident, but he tried to maintain some form of contact even when I told him he couldn't.
I think because he feels settled and we have another child now, he thought we were through the other side. But I think I just buried it, because I wasn't capable of dealing with it.

I understand that you're the kind of person who would rather take on further hurt for yourself, rather than hurt someone else, I really do.

However, it's not just you that you're making this decision for, is it ?

You're making it in the mistaken belief that it will somehow be 'better' for your children to grow up with 2 parents in the same household, regardless of the unhappiness within it.

Please don't kid yourself that this would be 'easy' for your children, or that it would 'protect' them from unhappiness, because it will do exactly the opposite...

Kids feel the 'atmosphere, yet are unable to understand it, or to control it, leading to them never feeling 'safe', because their home, which should always feel solid, stable and dependable, is anything but !

They will always sense that something is 'wrong', and that the very ground beneath their feet could 'give way' at any time ! (The 'time' will inevitably be decided by you H in this scenario, because if you allow things to become 'routine' again, you'll still never trust him again, and you'll always be waiting for him to cheat again.) So they will grow up 'hypervigilant' and always trying to 'please' both of you !

That's not a 'life' I'd want my kids to live. Just because he didn't want to keep his dick in his pants ? Nah. Why the hell should the kids have to suffer their whole childhood for that ??

It would be far better, for both you and the kids, to separate. At least then you kids can feel safe and secure with you always having a 'safe' and 'dependable' home for them. They will still have 2 parents, regardless of whether you live apart or not. It also shows them how to value themselves within relationships, rather than have them growing up thinking that your 'marriage' is how all marriages are, and then making the same mistakes in the future...