Is There Ever a Reason to Stay?

[Mallowpops]

Just that, really. Is there ever any advantage to STAYING in a bad marriage?

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and together for twenty. We have a 10yo together. It’s always been up and down but declined significantly after the birth of our child. He is often very moody and withdrawn and has angry outbursts with name calling and belittling. Only recently have I come to recognise this as verbal abuse — I just brushed it off and put it down to his temper. He considers himself very superior and is impossible to reason with at any level. Any attempt to discuss emotions or situations is either met with complete dismissal or derision.

Recently we had a major disagreement and I refused to give in. I went outside our flat to get something from the corridor and he slammed the door behind me and locked me out for 90 minutes. I had bare feet and no phone so couldn’t go anywhere. A few days later when emotions were calmer I told him this was completely unacceptable and he had no right. He responded that I deserved it.

Finally, after years, my eyes were truly opened to his behaviour. I really get now that he has no love or respect for me. There is no going back.

However.

I work in the arts as a freelancer (I work every day from home, but income is extremely low and unreliable). I am completely reliant on him financially. He is a very high earner and we live in an affluent area — child goes to private school, etc. There is no way I could even hope to find a job with my qualifications that would enable my child and me to continue to live in this area etc. I also do NOT want him to have our child 50/50 as I hate how he speaks and disciplines. Divorce would be a massive upheaval and I wonder if it would do more harm to my child than good. I can live anywhere, working wherever to earn a living— I’m just worried about my child. I do have an appointment with a divorce lawyer to discuss my options but also worried about the emotional toll.

So — has anyone stayed and felt it was the right thing to do? That the price of leaving was just too high? I get only I can make this decision, but really need others’ perspectives. Thank you.

"Just that, really. Is there ever any advantage to STAYING in a bad marriage?"

No. Your marriage is in addition an abusive marriage and because of his abuse towards you, and in turn your child who will and has picked up on all this, it's over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and you certainly should not stay in an additionally loveless, let alone an abusive, marriage for reasons like your child and lifestyle which really do not stack up under scrutiny.

You will also ultimately need to find better paid work.

Your current H won't let you leave easily because he likes the power and control he wields over you and in turn your child. He is going to make the whole divorce process as long and as protracted as possible, again as punishment to you.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is certainly no model to be showing them and in addition for that person to potentially go onto emulate as an adult. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not.
The emotional toil on both you and your child would be a lot higher if you stay. Keep that appointment with the divorce lawyer as knowledge here is power. You have rights in law as you are married to this man so exercise those fully. Find out exactly where you stand here.

All your H cares about is his own self, not you and certainly not his child. If he was actually a good father to his child he would not be abusing you as his/her mother. I doubt if your H would want 50/50 really because his child would interfere with his job and leisure time. It's likely being implied as a veiled threat to you as further "punishment" for and to you having the gall to leave him, in his head your H does think he is a perfect specimen. He is really like all the other abusive men written about and his actions are straight out of Abusers 101.

I would also suggest you contact both the Rights of Women and Womens Aid too for their support and advices.

You've outlined lots of reasons why many women stay. And they do.

You could also work towards leaving by secretly saving up (cashback on all purchases, refunds, anything you can think of, buy yourself jewellery, whatever you can spend on) and training towards a more reliable career.

Or just leave.

Marriage isn’t just a practical/financial solution. Moving area, changing schools, seeing their mum becoming a whole person again will not damage your child more than staying in an abusive home. As an individual you will have huge personal benefits from leaving this horrible situation, but it probably will get worse before it gets better and at the very least it will be hard. You are stronger than you know. There are people who can help with practicalities as previous posters said. Your child deserves better. You deserve better. Please don’t stay.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and giving me your thoughts… which pretty much confirm what I know is true but haven’t got a full grip on yet: that this man I thought loved me is behaving in an abusive controlling way, and I need to leave. I’ve always prided myself on being strong but I must admit I’m terrified at what might lie ahead.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Keep that appointment with the lawyer and determine your rights in law here. Knowledge is power.

You are a strong woman who has been beaten down by abuse. Staying within such a marriage will only cause your child and you yet more emotional damage.

You can rebuild your life without your husband in it day to day.

And it’s far better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

I’ve always prided myself on being strong but I must admit I’m terrified at what might lie ahead.

You can be both strong and terrified - they aren’t mutually exclusive states. People do stay in bad marriages, even abusive ones for all the reasons you state. And they pay a high price in their safety, emotional well-being and self esteem, and their children fully pay that price too.

Only you know the price you’re prepared to pay to maintain the status quo - speak to a lawyer and find out what your situation might be if you split. You can then make your decision from an informed place. Leaving doesn’t mean necessarily going right now, you can plan and put things in place and then go. Staying will cost you dearly in things money can’t buy.

Thank you — excellent point about the cost of things money can’t buy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes, absolutely! I’m struggling to accept I’m in this situation and really appreciate your forthright words. Really adding some clarity.

If you leave, it's going to be very difficult for a while - maybe a year, 18 months to get through things, get a place to live, make changes wrt your career, help DC through the transition. 18 months.

If you stay, it's going to be difficult for ever.

Your one precious life, spent managing a horrible abusive man vs a couple of years breaking it all and forging something new.

Maybe neither choice is particularly attractive, but you're a creative so can you look at this as a chance to make something totally new? That's not easy, or even pleasant, but at the end you have something that you have made, a life that you have made for you and your DC.

Very interested to hear what you did in the end OP?