Very long and confusing - sorry!
For context - I'm a female in my late 30s, currently single, and have been since being widowed a few years back. The friend in question is male, same age as me, just started seeing someone.
We have been close friends for a very long time - for a good 20 odd years. We had a long term relationship ( 5 years plusa long time ago - that ended about 8 years ago after realising it simply wasn't working as a relationship anymore. All very amicable, no resentment or bad feelings towards each other. We took some time to readjust before falling back into a great and very close friendship. All was good for a while - both got into other long term relationships. His ended after it fizzled out.
My partner died very unexpectedly about six months afterwards, which as one would expect absolutely destroyed me. My friend was supportive as he could be, and with a lot of help through some truly dark times I got myself back on my feet. This was a couple of years ago now and I'm doing as OK as I can ever be now.
However, over the past year or so, whenever he's had a few drinks, he's got very cuddly and affectionate with me, saying things like he thinks he may still have feelings for me, that he feels like there could still be something between us and trying to kiss me. I always stopped it in its tracks, told him he was drunk and that if he really wanted to discuss this it needed to be when he was sober. He never bought it up when sober and in fact always told me about various dates he'd gone on, people he was seeing etc, untill the next time he had a few drinks. I understand this happens when people have a few, but always stopped it no matter how drunk I also was. I had had no physical contact with anyone since my partner died - I knew that I had to be 100% sure, sober and clear headed before I let anything happen with anyone, even if it was just a kiss.
Untill one night, a few months ago, when it happened again and this time we did kiss and I stayed the night at his. Nothing more happened (although I think he wanted it too) but we woke up snuggled up with me feeling like that if we could just have a proper chat about things there may be a chance we could try after admiting to myself that I also was beginning to develop feelings for him. I told him this, he agreed that we needed to talk over a coffee. We were both 100% sober by then and he was still talking about how maybe we could try again,
although he knew it would be strange and difficult for me etc. The last thing he did before I left was give me a big cuddle, more kisses and an agreement to meet up in two days time to chat. Fine.
When I got home, I was an emotional wreck. I felt guilty, like I was cheating on my late partner, horrified that I was moving forward, relieved I was moving forward, excited that I might have another shot at happiness, scarred that I might have another shot at happiness and a whole host of other things that just floored me. I know it might seem an overreaction to something that was so chaste but to me it was a major thing. I knew that the first time anything happened with anyone that it would be a major head screw and was something I'd spoken to him about before in the past, so he knew too that it was going to be this huge emotional whirlwind. I had a good long cry, then picked myself up off the floor and got on with my day.
That evening I got a text from him, saying how he'd been on the best date of his life with a woman he'd been wanting to get to know for ages. From the way they spoke, it very much a planned thing, and had been for ages. They are now a couple. The previous night was never mentioned and the chat never happened, apart from him telling me that it only happened because he was drunk and would never happen again.
I'm not a jealous person, and I am genuinely happy for him. I am however very hurt too (maybe I have no right to be?) and confused
as to exactly what happened. I do know that I'm probably over reacting, and that all this sounds very teenagy and angst ridden. If this had happened years ago before my partner died I would have probably shrugged it off. But I think because he tried so many times, and he knew damn well how
difficult it would have been, it really hurt me. But you know, I've been through
worse, I avoided him for a bit, readjusted my thinking and cracked on. Very grateful that I didn't let things go any further!
The thing is I've now started casually started seeing someone. He's great, also a widow, really lovely and patient and I really like him. But I can't seem to let myself believe that he likes me in return! I always ask him if he's sure that he's not just saying that, that he'll feel differently in a few days time, that I'd understand if he met someone else and wanted to give things a shot with them etc etc. He's understandably beginning to get annoyed and it's not fair on either of us. We both deserve to be happy.
I think that all this is linked with what happened with my friend, except now I'm beginning to wonder how much he actually cares in any way at all after this. I really want to sit him down, explain all this and how it affected me then, and is having an impact on me now, and tell him that while I don't want cut our friendship off completely that I need to take a major step away from him and that he is to never ever say or do anything like that again, no matter how drunk he is, and that if we did meet up it would be for coffee only.
Am I being overdramatic to do this? Please tell me if I am.
Potential new partner coming over today and I plan to explain things to him as much I can to him too. I dont want to be like this with him, I want to believe what he says that feels about me and be happy!