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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What now

9 replies

ShirleyValentin3 · 30/10/2022 00:40

So I think this is it. My mid-life crisis.

Hit 40. Many friends have vanished into the abyss following covid. I have a series of health issues that leave me stuck indoors on my own a lot.

Tricky teenagers.

We discovered this year my DH has ADHD and (high functioning) ASD. It explains a lot about our relationship over the last 20 or so years. All of our 'big chats' are about his needs.

I suspect I probably need some counselling, but for what gain? I feel numb a lot of the time. I am unheard, undesired and feel so lost. I genuinely don't know what my needs are anymore.

I feel like running away. The best bit is, I don't know where I'd run away to.

I don't really know the point of this post. I just need to share. Am I alone?

Should I buy a sports car?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/10/2022 00:42

You should get a divorce. Your marriage doesn't make you happy and you don't have to settle. You have decades left to live, don't live them like this.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/10/2022 00:45

Get some counselling. It might help you to find the right direction.

Feel like running away? Book a couple of weeks holiday, solo. Crete is nice at this time of year

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2022 01:18

I agree with PP above. Get counseling.

A good counselor will help you discover why you are 'numb'. Why you feel unheard and 'lost'. It will help you discover what your needs are. Once you work through that and regain your equilibrium, you'll be able to make the best decision for the best you.

ViolinPin · 30/10/2022 01:08

You sound bored, nothing wrong with that, we all do at times, but that boredom isn't always remedied by divorcing and finding another.

Finding a councillor may help, 40 is quite the time for re evaluating.

muttondressedasmutton1 · 30/10/2022 01:24

No you're not alone.
I think having an understanding of ADHD/ASD (and how it can affect relationships and families) will help.
With some counselling together... it can still work if you both want it to OP Flowers

Original poster
ShirleyValentin3 · 30/10/2022 10:16

Thank you for your replies. I am going to seek counselling to work through this.

I know what is causing a lot of the issues, as I have spent a fair amount of time working through some of them. But I think I've reached my capacity for self support!

Thanks again, folks

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2022 14:14

@ShirleyValentin3

Best of luck. With self-honesty and hard work you'll see your way clear to a happier life.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/10/2022 14:16

There is a very useful and informative thread here on spouses in a similar situation.

NoodleSoup12 · 30/10/2022 20:20

OP, your sentence about all the convos being about your spouse’s needs felt revealing. You absolutely should be working on your own needs. And just in case you want to leave - it’s okay to not want to be with someone who has a diagnosis. He’s not a victim. He’s just another person in the world, with challenges just like the rest of us.

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