Feeling cheated out of my youth and carefree days

[CheatedFeel]

I’ve felt down today and really thinking a lot about my low self esteem and what happened to me growing up.

I was a victim of severe emotional abuse and one occasion of severe physical abuse (which caused ptsd)

So much happened that was awful and this may seem minor in comparison but I have been dwelling on how my mother stripped away my confidence and effectively ‘stole’ what should have been the best days of my life. What few photos I have I look at and think how did I believe what she said ? She destroyed me.
Told me I was ugly and laughed at school photos , deliberately fussed over my friends and told me she preferred them I think to make me jealous (it worked) told me I was strange body shape so couldn’t wear certain clothes and would refuse to buy them or when I was older and got my own would ridicule me. She made me feel like a freak of nature.

If I was going out she would not allow me to use the bathroom and would take my make up away . I would often be locked in . The times I escaped I was by that point too upset to go out and have fun.
I wasn’t allowed to wash my clothes unless they were clothes she approved of. Sometimes she would buy me clothes but that she picked and then a few weeks later she would take them for herself saying they looked better on her.

I had acne at one point which was quite bad and she seemed to absolutely love the fact I had bad skin and would comment on it a lot.

Now I look in the mirror and see how old I look and I look back and realise I didn’t look awful and I should have had confidence but she stole that. I don’t know why she wanted to crush me that way and I feel I lost out in the years I could have felt pretty and confident and I’m so sad

You are absolutely right it was emotional abuse. Your mother saw you as her competition. She is cruel and has serious issues.

I suggest therapy to talk through the impact of her abuse.

True, you won't get those years back, but you can work on your self esteem and build a happy future for yourself. You'd be far better off working on this than living in the past.

Are you still in contact with your her? You may come to realise low or no contact is the way forward for you.

I have absolute minimal contact with her so basically I’ll send Happy Xmas and Happy birthday that’s it really. She’s literally destroyed me

I don’t know why it’s hit me today I think I’ve been feeling less than 100% and just looked at myself and thought this is it my youth has vanished I look like I’ve had the hard life I’ve had and it’s not fair . I feel so cheated and thinking of all that was said and done I can see it was a sustained attack to break me and destroy my self worth.

That's awful and I second the therapy suggestion.

But also just look again at your face and pick something you like about it. Your face and your legs have gotten you this far. If you're feeling sad about wasted time, my innate impatient streak says don't waste anymore. Love your self and find a new adventure. Big or small. Of course I know that's far easier said than done. Im not being glib I promise. You can't change the past, you have to navigate the fine line between dealing with it and laying it to rest and not dwelling on it in an unhelpful way. Good luck!

This^^

Oh and stop sending Xmas and Birthday greetings to your horrible abusive excuse for a mother. She deserves nothing from you.

I'm sure you have many lovely qualities and features. She hasn't destroyed you. You are here, you have a future that you can keep her out of.

Your mother is sick. Her actions and behaviour were reprehensible, but it is important that you give the love she denied you ten-fold to yourself now. You deserve to give that to yourself unconditionally.

This is a lot to process. Do seek out professional support so that you can reclaim your life and bring joy into it.

I had a father that couldn't give two hoots about myself and my siblings. It was damaging but I've moved on from that now and you can too x

I feel so cheated and thinking of all that was said and done I can see it was a sustained attack to break me and destroy my self worth.

I can empathise completely. I had similar.

I'm late 40s now and there are very few to no photos of me - even with my children because my mum would tell me how ugly I was so I can't bear to see them. I have a really violent emotional response to seeing photos of myself.

I also feel robbed of my youth and pretty much my entire life since. I've underperformed professionally, I'm in my first proper relationship and struggling hugely with that.

I've had therapy. So much therapy but none of it has had a lasting impact. I've found strategies that I can use (on good days) to get me through but it hasn't changed the way I fundamentally view myself.

It's hard but, sadly, you are not alone.