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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Split after 20 years - nothing but half the house - really?

103 replies

WeaponisingIncompetence · 29/10/2022 20:54

I've been in a relationship for 20 plus years and have recently left because it was intolerable. But that is for another thread. We have a 13 yo son and I was always primary carer - SAHM until he started nursery at nearly 3 then changed my work so I could take him to and pick up from school. Also only working during term times so was at home for all school holidays and half terms.

We own the house 50% 50% so I feel secure with that but am borrowing money from family for rent until I can access this money. I am now in my late 50s and though I have my own business I have a very low income with no prospect of that changing much. Meanwhile he is in the high tax bracket (as he was able to grow his career) though I don't know how much because he never thought this was my business. He bought other properties for 'our' pension... I have no pension and no other assets. He will continue being a high earner. Our agreed 'temporary' arrangement is that we have custody 50/50 (week on, week off) even though he works normal hours and sometimes leaves our son on his own from after school. I only have evidence of this twice but I think it's now all the time. At first he was leaving work early everyday but he couldn't sustain this. My son doesn't talk about my ex to me and I won't ask him to. I presume it goes the other way too.

I believe our son would be better off primarily with me and desperately want him with me but he will not want to choose and my ex would never want to be seen as a part time Dad. Not good for his view of himself. I'm not sure how I am going to fight this or if I can/want to put my son through that...?

I believe and have it from a good solicitor that I am not entitled to anything other than half the house as we were never married. Here's my question...Does anyone have any experience of this NOT being the case? My friends have encouraged me to ask here and say I need to try and get more than just the house! The initial solicitors advice may have been because I said I didn't WANT anything else, but reality is hitting. Thank you for any help!

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 29/10/2022 23:48

*for you. You could get a second opinion but it is unlikely to be a different answer.

Loserluck · 29/10/2022 23:49

Ugh how awful, but you have little protection as not married. And he’s a cunt.

why have you left the marital home to rent though? You may have been entitled to stay there until child is 18

Winceybincey · 29/10/2022 23:49

Without marriage there are no marital assets. However, as a pp pointed out, if you have anything in writing such as a text or email that can prove there was some kind of agreement (verbal or written) between you that he will purchase properties for the benefit of both of your pensions you could make a claim on those. There doesn’t need to be a written contract, just some sort of proof that there was an agreement between you both as the likelihood is is he will deny it.

Winceybincey · 29/10/2022 23:52

ETA, if you can prove that the agreement between you had caused you to do something that would be detrimental to you should he back down on it then your case would be stronger. (Such as not putting money into a pension pot because you were relying on the equity in the properties).

freyamay74 · 29/10/2022 23:52

I don't get this... you're late 50s so you must have been into your 40s when you had your son. What about the 20+ years you had to build a career and pay into a pension before having a child?

There must have been an element of choice in being a SAHM and then only working part time fitting around school hours: as your partner is a higher rate tax payer you could easily have afforded childcare to enable you to work more.

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you've chosen to rely almost totally on your partner to provide for you. In your situation I'd be looking for full time better paid work; it's just not realistic to expect to run a small business which hardly makes anything and also, at 13 it's not like your son needs to be dropped off and picked up from school every single day

Stripedbag101 · 30/10/2022 00:03

i am sorry you are having a rough time.

but just a few points to clarify.

you own a house 50-50, is the mortgage fully paid off and why are you renting? Is he in the family home?

why can’t your son be home alone after school?

what was your career prior having your son? Can you return to it?

you must have built up some pension etc on your twenty years of working - have you been Sri see a financial advisor?

Loserluck · 30/10/2022 00:08

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you've chosen to rely almost totally on your partner to provide for you

yes, and the partner obviously welcomed the free childcare and easy life. Op’s mistake was not getting married as it meant no protection for the inevitable.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/10/2022 00:10

If your business is only generating a very low income then I’d look at swapping to an employed position for a stable guaranteed income.
Could you return to your old career? Some professions do courses for returners.

Winceybincey · 30/10/2022 00:11

freyamay74 · 29/10/2022 23:52

I don't get this... you're late 50s so you must have been into your 40s when you had your son. What about the 20+ years you had to build a career and pay into a pension before having a child?

There must have been an element of choice in being a SAHM and then only working part time fitting around school hours: as your partner is a higher rate tax payer you could easily have afforded childcare to enable you to work more.

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you've chosen to rely almost totally on your partner to provide for you. In your situation I'd be looking for full time better paid work; it's just not realistic to expect to run a small business which hardly makes anything and also, at 13 it's not like your son needs to be dropped off and picked up from school every single day

There must have been an element of choice in being a SAHM and then only working part time fitting around school hours: as your partner is a higher rate tax payer you could easily have afforded childcare to enable you to work more.

You mean HE could have easily afforded childcare. She couldn’t afford it. The trouble is is that some men who are higher earners won’t pay it and expect the woman to work around the kids. The woman has no control over the situation unless she leaves.

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you've chosen to rely almost totally on your partner to provide for you.

It sounds to me like she had no choice - short of breaking the family up and going alone as a single parent so she can claim help with childcare costs. Most people don’t want to break their families and have an element of trust in their relationships.

I don't get this... you're late 50s so you must have been into your 40s when you had your son. What about the 20+ years you had to build a career and pay into a pension before having a child?

Its not a huge amount of time to build up a substantial pension, especially as around 5 - 10 years of that could have been studying and training. Being out of the workplace for so long after having children can land you back at square one.

MrsKeats · 30/10/2022 01:10

Being the sole earner is not an easy life loser
It's incredibly stressful actually.

Original poster
WeaponisingIncompetence · 30/10/2022 01:11

Update. Further info. It was an emotionally abusive relationship. I didn't realise. I know it sounds mad but apparently it's very common. I had to leave as soon as I realised because I didn't want to model that sort of relationship to my son. Or be in it. But it took 8 months of planning to leave safely. Before that, I had expected to be in that relationship for life and early on, had wanted to marry but he didn't. I was happy to be a full time mum. But I also wanted to work and I love my job. It's worthwhile, rewarding and hugely beneficial to young families (I'm not giving too many details). He would say things like, I should give up work then I could keep the house tidier... if I work another 10 years I'll have a full state pension. I've never been in a 'normal' job. Always self-employed but bad financial advice. Anyway it's as I thought in the first place - didn't expect anything more than half the house. I'm going to find more work but the morning work I do is pretty exhausting but I will find something that fits in. Thanks for the supportive messages. I really appreciate it xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
WeaponisingIncompetence · 30/10/2022 01:14

Yes I did everything I could not to break up the family but in the end I had to.

OP posts:
Cantstandbullshit · 30/10/2022 01:27

Underlaps · 29/10/2022 23:18

Another one of these threads 😞

Unfortunately, to get the protection of marriage, you need to be married.

Exactly, and this is in a relationship where he clearly told her it’s none of her business how much he earns, like he has made it very clear she was just FWB and they share a child. I still don’t get why women continue to get themselves in such situations, is the hope he will suddenly change or that they can bear the unhappiness in exchange for financial security?

freyamay74 · 30/10/2022 07:37

So even though you say you loved your job, you gave it up because he wanted a tidier house?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position OP. It's a salutary lesson though. I don't understand why women put themselves in this sort of situation - having a child, giving up work, unmarried, without any security. Quite aside from all that, it's also very unwise to get into your 40s without ever paying into a pension.

Yes it's tough for both parents to continue to work after having children and probably easier all round to have one parent give up work. It's almost always the woman and it seems they're often happy with this situation too. All too often it then leads to them never regaining decent earning power- we see it all the time on here, women with school age kids saying they can only work school hours etc

OP I honestly think you need to look at how you can maximise earning now. In your late 50s you may feel it's too late to retrain but tbh there are so many job vacancies out there; I would give up running your small business which you admit doesn't make much and do whatever you can to earn and pay into the occupational pension. Your ds is 13, you really don't need to fit around school days and terms now. It's worth paying into a pension even now and you'll be thankful for it In the future.

Original poster
WeaponisingIncompetence · 30/10/2022 07:52

S*o even though you say you loved your job, you gave it up because he wanted a tidier house?
*
I'm obviously not explaining myself properly... No I did NOT give up my work that I love even though he wanted me to and although it doesn't pay much overall , it is still very well paid for the hours I do. But I can't up the hours (just trust me on this please - it's exhausting work) So I'm doing ok and will keep doing what I'm doing but just need to find something for the afternoons- which I will.

OP posts:
freyamay74 · 30/10/2022 08:02

@WeaponisingIncompetence

I was going by what you wrote in your OP:

"We have a 13 yo son and I was always primary carer - SAHM until he started nursery at nearly 3 then changed my work so I could take him to and pick up from school."

Ekátn · 30/10/2022 08:50

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your 13 year old being at his fathers house alone in the afternoon. Loads of kids have done this for years. You having ‘evidence’ of this is neither here nor there. It’s not proof your son is better off with you full time at all. There is no fight to be had there. Your son is of an age where his opinion counts most and if he is happy to continue going to his dads every other week, then that’s what will happen.

It sounds like you have made a series of bad decision. No pension before you had your son or since. You blame this on bad financial advice. Are you saying you got professional financial advice and they told you, you don’t need a pension and no other plan in place? I very much doubt that true. And if it is, what was your plan for retirement? What was their plan for your retirement?

You are in your late 50s but still have another 10 years before you will have paid enough for the full state pension? With only 3 years off work when ds was small? How did that happen?

You also chose to tie yourself to the finances of a man and rely on his assets for a pension with nothing legal to back that up.

You had many years before your child to grow your career and many years after.

I am not saying this to kick you while you are down, but your financial position is not just because decided to rely on a man’s finances with no legal right to it. There’s been a lot of poor financial decisions along the way. You need to start rectifying that. If your business can not earn more, you need to get employed work.

I left and emotionally and financially abusive man. I get that it’s hard. However, you need to start making sound financial decisions and actually looking into the implications of decisions you are making.

Sellorkeep · 30/10/2022 08:54

Are your national insurance contributions up to date? As self employed you’d have been paying class two which is very cheap. The rules on how far you can back pay change next year so if I were in your shoes if back fill any missing years you still can while you can.

Lights0ffLights0n · 30/10/2022 09:51

As you are not married

You can only claim if something is in your joint names, such as joint bank account, joint savings, joint property

Everything else belongs to the person whose name it is in

You can find further clarification on www.gov.uk and on Citizens Advise website

You are either married / civil partnership
or
Single

In your case, you are legally single

Original poster
WeaponisingIncompetence · 30/10/2022 10:48

Sellorkeep · 30/10/2022 08:54

Are your national insurance contributions up to date? As self employed you’d have been paying class two which is very cheap. The rules on how far you can back pay change next year so if I were in your shoes if back fill any missing years you still can while you can.

Thanks @Sellorkeep I recently did this so I'm now as up to date as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeaponisingIncompetence · 30/10/2022 10:55

Thanks all. I'm off to 'do better'. Quote from Maid

OP posts:
ancientgran · 30/10/2022 11:03

Loserluck · 30/10/2022 00:08

This may sound harsh but it sounds like you've chosen to rely almost totally on your partner to provide for you

yes, and the partner obviously welcomed the free childcare and easy life. Op’s mistake was not getting married as it meant no protection for the inevitable.

It wasn't exactly free childcare if he was paying for everything.

Theskyisfallingdown · 30/10/2022 11:23

It’s shocking that so many women choose to give up their financial and housing security for a boyfriend, still. Zero research done on any day over all these years, on the lack of legal protections legally single people have?
I’d recommend you don’t waste money on a solicitor to tell you obvious things that are easily googleable, you’ll need every penny for your own future.

Theskyisfallingdown · 30/10/2022 11:25

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/
citizens advice bureau link listing basic differences between cohabiting people and married couples

Theskyisfallingdown · 30/10/2022 11:28

Loser there is no marital home. As you said, they chose not to have the legal protections of marriage.