My marriage is over. I have been at the receiving end a sustained night of raging emotional abuse that went on into the next morning. I felt intensely cold, shaking uncontrollably and my knees were like jelly. I couldn't get warm, and my heart was racing for hours afterwards. He came into my bed (we haven't slept in the same room for over a year) at 5am, I pretended to be asleep. I experienced something similar years ago when I was pregnant. I called the police then, had him removed but he returned and never any physical violence since then, although he still follows me out of a room and blocks doorways until I have "listened" to him. His other tactic is to speak increasingly loudly until he is roaring -this is, he explains, to teach me to listen without interrupting, and that if this wakes the children, it is my own fault. He denies everything, and refuses to speak about the impact of his behaviour. His tactic is to threaten to bring up things from my past. He agreed, once, to marriage counselling, on the grounds that he could show me up as an unfit wife and mother. I refused.
The last year he has had explosive rages, binge drinking, fallen, screamed abuse for hours at a time, then a return to "normal" the next day. Never remembers anything, believes/lies/invents fictitious events that he dreams up. Calls me a liar and a fantasist but now lying to his family about me. He speaks about me in the third person when he is ranting (often when he is alone in the room), "we bought her a X", "we said she could work" etc...My adult son has witnessed these events. I need to leave. He refuses to leave when I have asked him to, he will never accept me leaving with my children and his family own the house.
I hope to have enough money in the New Year, and will not be telling him that we are leaving in advance.
I will seek legal and domestic violence advice next week.
At the point of leaving I will speak to schools and the police to make them aware
These are the areas I need help to anticipate:
If he comes home to a note(or solicitor's letter) explaining why we have left, and I provide just a contact email (no phone or address) -what will happen if he contacts the police? Will the fact that the police will have been pre-warned by me, and that I have been advised by a specialist family lawyer help protect us from his response? I fully expect him to lie and accuse me of being an unfit mother, his other tactic (used when the police removed him years ago) was to express incomprehension and to appear solicitous about my mental stability. Even though he was drunk and I was teetotal.
If I refuse mediation can this be viewed negatively if the courts are involved?
Should I inform Universal Credit after I leave (he accesses the joint claim journal) to confirm my change of circumstances?
If I remove the children's furniture and beds could this be used to accuse me of parental alienation/having a desire to prevent access?
Has anyone else faced this, but delayed leaving until after exams?
I hope to have a furnished, homely house ready to move into before the day we leave, this shouldn't be too difficult, as he has no interest in our lives. To minimise the disruption to my children, we will be living no more than 15 minutes away, this is entirely for their benefit, friends, schools etc.
If his behaviour escalates I will phone the police immediately, press charges and seek a non-molestation order.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hoped I could endure until my youngest left home, but now realise this is simply not possible.