No longer in abusive relationship but struggling alone

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Hi Everyone...

I'm out of my relationship about 7 weeks now. There
was coercive control involved and at least 2 physically abusive incidents in the months leading up to us ending. He moved out 7 weeks ago.

Since then I've been struggling a lot. We have 2 small children, one of which is on the spectrum and throughout these past weeks i can see and feel that I've disconnected from them because I'm in such a dark place with a lot of dark thoughts.

Since getting out I've tried to keep things amicable with their dad. At times it works and others it doesn't because there is a lot of twisting. He clearly doesn't see where he was controlling and tells me it was me that was abusive by withholding sex from him etc and that I got cold with him after taking postnatal depression with our second child. Which I did in ways as I was very depressed
and I suppose that's when I started to realise how isolated we were.

We are only apart 7 weeks and already he's moved on with someone much younger (14 yrs my junior) she's in her early 20s

It's broke me if I'm honest. I was broken anyway and gaslighting myself wondering if he was right. But since knowing she's on the scene and since having him in the house to see the kids over their birthdays I've found myself wanting him back. Last night we both spoke about things (we were together 20yr) and while talking about our relationship it made me realise he's been my entire life and I really miss him. I miss the help with the kids as well. Since separating I feel completely lost. Yet I've worked hard to get myself a p/t job and get a few friends back and even been going out now and again but I just can't help myself missing him, missing my family bring one! I'm struggling to cope with the change and I'm really lonely. Part of me wants to ask him to return.

Is this feeling normal or is there something wrong with me. I just feel so disconnected from everything rather than enjoying "freedom" the grass isn't greener on the other side of me. I'm just so confused and depressed

Take it slowly. Yes it's normal. Do not go back to him.

It’s completely normal. Everyone talks about the freedom but you still grieve the future you had hoped for. No-one starts a relationship and has children with someone thinking it will turn out like this.
Give yourself time. Keep reminding yourself of why you split. Get angry. Find a way to let it out (I found swimming helped, no-one notices if you are crying in a pool full of water).
And do try to connect with your DCs in whatever way you can 💐

You've known nothing for years but stress and misery. Now that's gone, you're just left feeling flat and "is this it". Perfectly normal at the end of any relationship. And you're only remembering the good parts, not the ones where you were scared and someone's punchbag.

But you need to stop contact with him. This man made you miserable and unhappy, that won't ever change. Your life can only get better, stick with it.

@littlerayofsunshine0 oh I could've written this myself OP. Withholding sex is a reason you're abusive? Yet being coercive and controlling isn't?

Please please please know you're not alone. I often find myself like you wondering what if things just worked out? What if I didn't do this or that? You're internalising and not realising even if you didn't have ppd, your partner is not entitled to sex. They gotta put the work in to make you want that too, and vice versa. It's done out of love not just bc you're in a relationship you don't have a choice. He sounds coercive sorry to say.

My ex was the same and things only got worse. This time last year like you I posted on here. I ignored a lot of the women in the responses almost gaslighting myself into thinking "nah it's not THAT bad I don't need to leave" fast forward august 2022 a miscarriage later he showed his demonic self. My ex used religion to coercively control me with how I dressed (forced face covering) he used it for sex / another baby, he'd cheat but would never accept if I dared to do that (never did) and financially controlled me, would only allow certain job for me he approved of, he'd have a problem with almost anything I did.

Someone who LOVES you does not have to "leave" to realise your worth to them in their life. Someone who loves you will not let you feel as low as you once have. Remind yourself of how he made you feel.

I know for the kids you keep it amicable but have you reported your concerns at least with you to the police? Google coercive control as it's a crime. Even if it doesn't go to court just reporting it can help.

Here is a link to my thread from last year filled with amazing advice from fellow mumsnetters I will never stop sharing it, mumsnet at its finest.

Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4415137-husband-desperately-wants-another-baby-but-i-don-t-feel-ready

Here for you anytime you need. Even if it's someone to talk to OP. Been scrolling through mumsnet to keep myself busy.

Would also recommend the freedom course. Can enrol yourself for free through certain charities.

Love and hugs to you and your little ones

Yes, I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. It’s a big change after 20 years together. But his behaviour was abysmal and he won’t magically become a nice person.
The new gf, so much younger, is interesting. Either to flaunt or is a much younger person easier to manipulate ( he thinks) ?
I found doing little things that made me feel good really helped. Buy yourself some flowers, some favourite chocolate, do your nails, have a facial, watch something that makes you laugh — whatever you like.
And don’t dwell on the “ might have been” that is all fantasy, what he did and what he is are reality.

@rmummyofone I'm just started with women's aid and they are going to put me through the freedom program. I've been assigned a support worker in the last 2 weeks. When speaking to them I clearly see it was coercive control. They showed me the cycle of abuse and explained things to me. They could even tell me what my partner was like without even knowing him which blew my mind. But im having days where I doubt myself. I'm finding the kids birthdays very hard (they are 2 weeks apart) and halloween was a big event in our home and I'm dreading Christmas. I feel so alone and can't see myself with anyone else. And listening to the kids talk about dad is really cutting me up too.
In the last few weeks he has turned to drinking again and when he drinks he gets into arguments with people.. For 3 weeks running he was constantly in fisty cuffs in our local bars that he got barred from 2 of them, there's only 1 left he can go to now. He missed our sons school event due to drinking and fighting the night before which left him with a black eye. Even speaking to him last night he was telling me about wanting to get into more rows with people just to get his anger out. He obviously hurt too about the situation and the fact that as parents we are now separated and feels guilty about the children so the drink is his coping mechanism. I feel so jealous that he's moved on with someone else so soon while I sit at home and cry myself to sleep every night I just feel like I meant nothing to him, and how easily replaced I am... yet it doesn't work that way round for me.

I go through episodes of hating him and remembering the bad times to times like this where I feel like I want to reach out and ask him back because he's all I've known and I can't see myself being with anyone else. The thought of it scares the life out of me. I don't know what's wrong me. I've also had some dark thoughts about suicide because I feel so dependent on him yet he's not here anymore abd I feel like a failure to the kids. I used to be incredibly hands on with them but doing it alone is such a struggle as my daughter is incredibly hard work that I just break down all the time now and feel they're better off without me. I also think living in this house is killling me. My family and friends are telling me to stay here as I can afford the rent here but this is our family home that I shared with him for the last 13 yrs and its full on happy and sad memories. My family say I'll carry these thoughts with me where ever I go, yet I think a fresh start in a new home may help me but I'll be out so much on paying expensive rent and then trying to cope with the cost of living as well.

Sounds like you really need that hand hold.

The loneliness can be bitter, so bitter. However being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel so alone.

The trauma bond is so real. Like you, I swings back and forth from "if I was more compliant things could've worked out" to "I can't believe I let him treat me this way" it's all part of it. Feel those feeling, and yes he may have moved on fast and it may seem ok for now but his truest self, YOU know. The odds of his problems disappearing are not high unless he gets help, sounds aggressive.

^You're too full of life to be half loved.
^
Here for you. Even if you need someone to talk to at any hour. Lean on family and friends and yes, it kills hearing the kids asking for him / memories in the house. A move could be good for you, when you can afford to do so. Redecorate? Move things around. Make it your own.

I'm living with my parents, my toddler and me. I have other siblings too, it's not fair I do feel like a burden on them but I'm just starting up on life now at 23. I hope to be able to afford my own place in a few years.

Take care of yourself OP. Here if you need anything.

Thank you @littlerayofsunshine0 for posting this. I might have written it myself. Not from a violence viewpoint but from the coercion and control. I hope you find support and strength to keep going and slowly slowly come to understand that you are better off without him and you’re doing better each day.

Try not to get upset about the gf. He hasn’t moved on. His drinking and fighting are signs that he’s incapable of doing so right now. Moving on would involve him seeking help for addiction to the behaviours which led to the end of the relationship.

I have tiptoes on eggshells for the best part of two decades. I’ve been threatened with divorce/homelessness unless I conformed to what HE found acceptable and if I raised any kind of objection I was punished with days of silence and threats. Now that he’s gone I swing between massive relief and realisation that it was actually abuse and then comes the “did I deserve it? Could I have tried harder? Have I lost the man I loved because I couldn’t just button my mouth and essentially, conform?” This, I’m told is all very usual for people when they’ve tried to “please” in a partnership where there’s no pleasing everyone all of the time.

Chin up, lovely. Be strong and do what you need to do ONE HOUR/ONE DAY at a time.

I recommend reading "getting past your breakup" vs doing the exercises in it, it really helps put everything in perspective, and made me realise my relationship was littered with red flags that i really just let go time and time again.
Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You amzn.eu/d/6FKUkFQ Link to book on amazon but just order from library!

Imagine a lovely day in your life a year from now, what does that day look like? What are you doing? Think about what you want from your life and try and focus on that.

If you let him back in your life now his new behaviours are likely to come as well as all the old stuff that caused your split. he sounds like a nightmare, and men often move on quickly after a split but it doesn't often last, just someone to keep the bed warm while they process their life.

You are doing so well, even if it doesn't feel like it. Listen to some breakup songs when you are strong enough, "sweet as whole", "IDGAF", "since u been gone", "stronger".. Keep yourself busy, you have got this.

Great recommendations @Smooshface thank you

I like the song "happier than ever"

@Smooshface

Have ordered the book you recommended. My need is great. I’ve been controlled for so long I have no idea how to move forward without him.

That's great, i found it so helpful doing the relationship inventory, i hope it helps you! It is hard even when the controlling aspect isn't there, i was lost without my ex but I'm so much happier now not having his chaotic behaviour leaking into every aspect of our life, peaceful with me and the kids.

He's only gone for someone much younger because they'll be easier to control, probably also to play with your head and hope you'll want him back. Stay strong.

Hi OP,

I hear you. I'm 2 years left, and he moved on almost straight away - holidays etc, with the new woman.

I have moments where I feel so alone, and regret leaving because at least I wouldn't have been on my own. It feels worse for me because a year ago my youngest went off to uni and while I am so proud she got there it really is just me now.

It's so hard.

I had to leave the area I lived in and most of our joint friends believed his story so I have very few friends left. I've found it hard to make new ones as my daughter and I moved around a lot as we struggled to get housed, and between keeping my job, dealing with my daughters mental health and trying to get us housed I had no spare time or energy.

I'm holding your hand.

Feel free to PM me anytime you want a handhold or to talk to someone.

Just a heads up op . He DOES understand he was controlling. He intended to be controlling. Part of abuse is that they want you to believe they have done nothing wrong. They also want you to believe that they 'just don't understand' . So that you spend zo much time thinking 'if only I could just explain in a way they would understand why their behaviour is wrong'.

You never need to explain to someone why cruel behaviour is cruel. He knows its cruel. He just doesn't care. So stop ✋ stop telling yourself He doesn't know what he did wrong. Because he absolutely does.

OP, you are missing the FUTURE you thought you could have....... if he was not a coercive and controlling abuser.

He is still the same person. People very rarely change. If you went back it would end up being the same as before.

Don't go back 💐

@Octavia64

All I can say to you, is he may have moved on but he is who he is at his core. People who believe him believe his nice guy mask, and trust me, I know.
I remember seeing my ex around family and think that's who I fell for.

I'm here, I'll be your friend. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mum like you.

Proud of you if nobody has told you lately.

You’re doing great @littlerayofsunshine0 you’re just struggling like we all do - with what you have had to do, and being on your own and with the mess your XH is making of everything.

one day at a time I’m here for you too, I was in your shoes six months ago, and life is getting better and better .