Sex and desires

[Evla21]

I'm in a stable relationship with my DP.
We've been married nearly 4 years.
We have DS 4yr and DD 1yr.

He's got a different sexual appetite to me.
He wants do more adventurous stuff - anal where I do stuff to him - quite in-depth.

I'll be honest I hate it. I've told him this and he just calls me selfish. He does everything to please me. This is his decision and I never pressure him into doing it. He enjoys it.

I just feel so pressured into doing something I've tried but I'm not keen on or comfortable doing. I dread him asking me. I feel like he's annoyed and moody if I don't do it. It makes me feel shit and not want to have sex with him at all.

Can someone give me advice on this?!
AIBU?!

Is this something new or has he always been like this with you op, personally I wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing, is he watching a lot of porn,? He shouldn’t be pressurising you into doing anything you don’t want to do, it can be quite difficult when you both have different sexual appetites,I don’t personally think you are being selfish at all. I’d be telling him how you feel ! And no you are not being unreasonable.

This isn’t going to get better. So - not sure there is a solution that would keep you together. You aren’t going to suddenly like it, and he isn’t going to stop wanting it.

Were his sexual preferences not known to you before you married and had kids with him?

You certainly shouldn’t be having sex you don’t enjoy to appease him to keep him around. The only choices I see is divorcing, or opening up the marriage.

You should never be coerced into doing anything you don’t want to. The sulking to get what he wants is bordering on abuse. Don’t put up with it.

I would have to leave in this situation. I absolutely won’t be pressurised into doing stuff sexually I don’t want to do. Spent too long when I was younger in these sorts of situations and it only gets worse.

My husband had an interest in a particular thing which I am absolutely not interested in. He asked about it once, I told him it was absolutely not on the cards, ever. He accepted that and hasn’t asked since. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate a partner who pestered or coerced or guilt tripped about a boundary I had clearly drawn.

Show him this article www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-11102677/amp/Doctors-reluctance-discuss-anal-sex-letting-women-unaware-risks.html

Women have fragile anal sphincters and are prone to injuries like tears. Porn has made men think anal sex is the most exciting activity but on the other side is a woman who is probably not enjoying the painful sensation of having their arsehole penetrated.

You tried it and didn't enjoy it, I'd feel very uncomfortable being married to someone who is calling you selfish for not wanting to do a dangerous and painful activity that you don't want to do 🚩 🚩

Am i reading this correctly? “Anal where i do stuff to him”
He likes you to penetrate him?

@Angela59 Exactly. Me doing stuff to him.

Maybe he’ll have to make do with doing it to himself during his private moments @Evla21. You shouldn’t have to engage in anything you don’t want to do.

@CambsAlways it's only been made clear to me after marriage. I've tried it, told him that I don't like it. He just goes into a mood with me.

Am I selfish by accepting stuff like HE likes and want's to do to me, just because I do actually enjoy it??

He acts like I want him to do it to me. In reality I couldn't give a stuff until he initiated it.
I've told him it's verging on rape/sexual abuse as he's making me feel like I have to do things I'm not comfortable/don't enjoy. (Am I right in labeling it like this?).

I try my absolute best to try and meet him halfway on stuff but I feel like he wants more and more.

I'm getting to a point where I dread sex and want to draw a line under it.
I love him so much but I can't keep going round in circles with this.

Wait so he's not wanting to penetrate you anally, he's making you do anal stuff on him?

There's a reason the sex industry caters to all this stuff, the majority of women in relationships aren't up for it.

Personally I'd tell him this isn't for you and that you'll stick to the vanilla stuff and a family life and send him to get this hole in his life filled elsewhere (pun intended).

I think you need an honest and open chat, when you're not doing anything remotely sexy (ie not in the moment).

Tell him where your boundaries are. Clear big bold line. My boundary is here. I do not want to do xyz and I will not move from this, it's my firm boundary.

If he cannot respect that and continues to harass you then I think you need to separate which I appreciate is easier said than done but no one should feel pressured into doing things they don't want to do.

Many men enjoy this kind of sexual activity and that's fine, but it doesn't mean you have to. And with regards to are you being unreasonable when you accept him doing stuff with you that you both enjoy? Of course not. Don't let him guilt you by saying things like "but I give you oral sex and you enjoy that". That is irrelevant.

Explain your boundaries and make it crystal clear they won't be moved.

If you feel that it’s verging on rape / sexual abuse then him wanting you to do it and going on about it is abuse and you aren’t being unreasonable, the thing is op you say he wants it more and more, so really he’s not prepared to listen to your feelings on the subject, is he! He’s not taking your feelings into consideration at all ! I couldn’t put up with someone like that myself and I’ve been with my husband almost 40 years, I think your husband is the one that’s being selfish to keep going on about it and not let it go, as you say you are getting to a point where you dread sex, I would be losing all respect for him and want out if it was me, as you say you are going round in circles so it seems he’s not going to let it lie

I think you need to have a conversation where you tell him clearly what you are not willing to do. I would probably also say that any more pestering or guilt tripping will not be tolerated. If he wants somehng different he needs to weigh this desire against the marriage and make his choice.

It sounds like you're both in a fairly miserable place and finding it difficult to communicate. It's likely you'll have clearer, more constructive conversations in a couples counselling environment. If you don't feel able to do that, or can't afford it, google "how to negotiate about sex" and have a look at some of the resources available.

There are loads of really good books available eg
How to Have Feminist Sex Flo Perry
Can Everyone Please Calm Down? A Guide to 21st Century Sexuality Mae Martin
Losing It: A taboo-busting guide to sex and relationships that debunks the myths you were taught at school Sophia Smith Galer
Action: A Book About Sex Amy Rose Spiegel
Sex Ed: A Guide for Adults Ruby Rare
What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety by Jaclyn Friedman
and online resources like
www.traceycox.com/videos/

You're going to get a lot of emotional and judgemental responses on here from people who won't have to live with any of the consequences that might result from following bad advice.

This could be an opportunity for you individually and together to find out how to have better sex and a happier relationship. I hope that's what happens.

Noone should ever feel they have to do anything sexually unless they want to. It is not ok for him to huff or put negative consequences on you not complying.

This is abuse OP. Tell him you’re not doing it. Let the drama unfold.

I'll be honest I hate it. I've told him this and he just calls me selfish.

If you hate it then you must not do it. If he still puts you under pressure even though he knows you hate it, it reflects poorly on his personality and maturity and means that he is not someone you should be claiming to love - his behaviour does not warrant love from anyone.

Be clear with him and if the pressure does not stop then leave.

Sex in a mature relationship is about mutual pleasure and should not involve anything from either party that the do not want. Ask him if he would want his DD pressured into sexual activities she did not like when she is of age.

Ok, difficult one luvvie,,
if you read the responses above there all saying nobody should have to do anything you don’t want to do which is entirely correct.
I’ve kind of heard of this before with an old friend, the advice given was controversial so PM me if you wish x

It sounds like pegging, it’s something that men can enjoy as it can stimulate the prostate.

www.insider.com/cara-delevingne-met-gala-vest-peg-the-patriarchy-2021-9

certainly it is the case that both of you need to be on the same page with this, doesn’t sound you are even reading from the same book right now

So, hang on... re your desires, he does things he enjoys, and re his desires, he wants things he enjoys. Is that right?

And when you say no, he disrespects you?

Horrible. OP, all you need is the word 'no'. Sex isn't transactional. Whatever he did for you, doesn't mean you 'owe' him. If you don't want it, you don't do it. That's the full story, and if anyone tries to make it more complicated, especially for their own gains, stay away from them.

He turns you off because you have good boundaries. Heed them.

This is a good response.

The answer is not to tell him no and then demand that his desires cease. That's just as bad as him demanding your desires change.