Hate this jealous feeling

[WhatWouldHopperDo]

I‘m not sure this is technically a relationship problem but more a Me problem.

There is a woman DH knows and is friends with through his work. They don’t work together per se but they are often ‘on jobs’ together (with other people not just the two of them). I believe he sees her once or twice a week, some weeks not at all.

Recently she did some work for us at a very raw and emotionally tough time and DH and I both found it comforting having someone DH knew and trusted. I have met her twice.

However, I am now suffering with a really uneasy and anxious feeling about her. I am almost certain that there is nothing going on. I have NEVER EVER been a jealous type of person and DH has never given me any reason to not trust him. We have been together for 30 years and this is honestly the first time anything like this has ever cropped up.

I just can’t shake this feeling that I need to be wary of her. I’ve always thought if you trust your partner you have nothing to worry about. I have talked to DH about it. He is as very understanding, reassured me she is just a friend and was just generally very nice and thoughtful about it. There was no defensiveness, no ‘don’t be so ridiculous’

I am so unused to this feeling and I hate it but it is making me so anxious and I don’t know how to move on.

I know some people might say your gut is telling you something but even if it is, what do I do? I refuse to snoop on his phone. I really just want to not feel this way about her and go back to my lovely relationship with my DH before I felt like this. Just to also clarify, he has mentioned her when talking about work but not excessively.

If it’s relevant we are both grieving for my lovely MIL who died recently and I am feeling that. I loved her and had been caring for her so it is a huge loss.

No one on here can say whether this jealousy is justified or not. However your feelings are real. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Indeed people, and I’m one of them, will say your feelings might be telling you something even though it can’t be substantiated. Don’t dismiss them, don’t do anything rash, watch and wait would be my advice.

Thanks @TheGander I am trying not to catastrophise but also not ignore the feeling.

Probably the best way forward for now. 💐

WWHD, do you feel that they have become too emotionally close/reliant? Did you notice anything odd in her or their body language or verbal interaction?

@MsDogLady not especially anything stood out about the way they interacted. She was chatting to me and said how good DH was at his job and she ‘loved’ working with him but that didn’t feel off at the time.

I don’t really know if DH is emotionally close to her. If he is it will only be since his Mum died I think.

DH and I have been out together this evening and he brought it up. Said he hope it wasn’t making me unhappy, that he wanted to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about and that he isn’t interested in being with any one but me. I do feel reassured. It’s mainly her I get a bad vibe from so for now I think I have to continue to trust DH as I always have.

Your feelings are valid, WWHD. You’re picking up an unsettling vibe from her.

The key, of course, is your H. I’m glad he has reassured you of his strong boundaries with no prompting. It sounds like he wouldn’t be receptive to any line crossing by her.

You share a healthy communication dynamic, so keep the lines open so he can help you feel safe.

“DH and I have been out together this evening and he brought it up. Said he hope it wasn’t making me unhappy, that he wanted to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about and that he isn’t interested in being with any one but me. I do feel reassured.”

@WhatWouldHopperDo - the above is one of the nicest things I have ever read on this board. Your DH seems thoughtful and kind. My DH would never bear me in mind in this way.

I really hope that nothing untoward ever happens but I came on to say that what will be will be, and that you will find the strength to cope with that is something you will find at the time IF something untoward ever happens. At this time, be aware of the vibe you are picking up but dont let it consume you and potentially create issues where there are none.

Secondly, i wanted to say to never underestimate the impact of grief. It might be worth talking to someone - losing a close family member knocked me absolutely sideways in ways i never imagined - and I dont mean in only a “oh i am so sad” way. It really affected my ability to interpret and process
things clearly, in all aspects of my life. Be gentle with yourself. I am sorry for the loss of your MIL 💐

It took me a long time to realise that just because I felt / thought it, that it didn't mean it was real/true.

I always listen to my instincts and would not ignore it. ( I have done in the past and lived to regret it)

'Recently she did some work for us at a very raw and emotionally tough time and DH and I both found it comforting having someone DH knew and trusted. I have met her twice'

What was this?

Time to talk to dh, and pull back from this person, she is not a good or close friend nor a family member. Your dh clearly knows you feel uncomfortable, hence the reassurance last night. I would put it to him that you would feel much happier if some distance was now created, and you returned to the way things were before. You are both vulnerable and need some time together away from this woman. Whatever it is, you are not wrong, so tell dh you are no longer comfortable to have her around and would prefer it to stop now.He needs to text her and thank her for her effort/time/interest/support and you will be fine from now on, some along those lines and stop the contact.

You might be feeling sensitive, but you don't need this woman in your lives, there is no need for her to be around. Trust yourself and your instincts, always.

@DoItAfraid Thank you and I am. so glad you said that about the grief. It has knocked me sideways exactly how you describe. MIL was in her late 90s and very frail so her passing was not at all unexpected. But it has left a massive hole in our lives in so many ways and I just was not prepared for how unsettled my emotions would be.

@Kissingfrogs25 the thing is I have only ever met her twice (it is funeral related) and that’s it. She’s not in my life anymore but DH can’t distance himself from her work wise. She is one of many people who do the job she does and DH is friendly with several of them (male and female). I know some of them and we are close friends with two of them.

She is going to be in DHs work life but has been already for several years and it’s only since I met her that this has started. I knew of her existence before and DH has mentioned her a few times but so has he mentioned the others.