Lonely and stupid

[NameChanger5432]

Hi,

Long story, and wondering if this awful phase of my life will ever end and if I’ll ever be happy and content in my life. I’ll
list the events rather than pour out everything (although still a lot to pour out).

(1) married straight out of uni to a man ten years older than me; both inexperienced and quiet (back then), me very naive and probably under peer pressure to get married;
(2) I didn’t feel content. I was bored and unfulfilled. Felt like I’d chosen wrongly;
(3) struggled with the age gap and realised I’d made a mistake as no connection sexually or as people (no conversation at meals out, for example), no intimacy;
(4) two kids but 2nd conceived artificiality due to secondary infertility (even though tests clear);
(5) sex life deteriorated - no affection from either of us - like living with a friend;
(6) acceptance for the way things were and kept busy with career, children and mum (but sad deep down that I’d never experienced true passion);
(7) marriage became sexless (my doing) and nothing happening at all - not even a hug, nor a kiss (he didn’t like kissing)!!
(8) I got on with life. This was the way it was.
(9) 2015 - my mum died (I’d always spent a lot of time on weekends with my mum)
(10) summer 2017 (marriage sexless a decade by this point) at age of 45 - menopause hit abruptly (periods suddenly stopped) and I experienced an array of symptoms a few months later mainly the bloody sex surge (that I didn’t know about and didn’t seek help at the time);
(11) Ridiculously sexual. Couldn’t go anywhere near my husband by this point though. Menopause also made me feel detached from reality;
(12) started chatting online. Started enjoying flirting with other men. Wrong, I know! Realised marriage was nothing more than two people living under the same roof;
(13) tried hard to keep my self together for the sake of everyone else and keep them happy;
(14) started to feel unsettled at work; left career I loved and now in something I find boring. Big, big mistake!!
(15) became friends online with a man 250 miles away - yes, married and in a sexless relationship. Had no intention of meeting.
(16) started developing feelings for said man - stupid me - and my feelings towards my marriage deteriorated rapidly. I felt cheated out of a true, close relationship and started to analyse everything;
(17) ended up meeting other man again and again. He felt great guilt each time but it kicked off again and again. We got on well. Not just sexually but as people too. However, I feel like his plaything in a lot of ways now. Another big mistake! It was always heartache for
me in the end;
(18) I did the right thing and ended my marriage straight after we met the first time. I went through a whole host of emotional upset but, deep down, I started to see why it had happened and how the menopause made me more vulnerable to the affection of another man;
(19) still felt very unhappy as I knew I couldn’t have the other man and it was wrong - we both decided to just be friends
(20) divorce starts and I realise I’m going to be worse off;
(21) family members start dying around me (all siblings and remaining aunts ) making my feelings of loneliness worse. Two suicides which made things worse;
(22) old colleagues kept their distance;
(23) did a lot of soul searching and realised I had been deprived in my marriage and was content with my decision to call
it a day;
(24) decided to join dating sites and had a few dates but eewwww. Other man still
in my life and we met again with the most passionate night of my life! Again, I was under his spell but, again guilt with him. It has to stop. It has. He hasn’t contacted me since that night and I’m a fool for allowing him to destroy my marriage;
(25) chatted to a man (single) who I got on well with and he was in the same region. Met on Tinder. Thought meeting someone else would help. Took us a while to meet up as I was abroad a couple of weeks and then had Covid. We met and had a lovely day and I actually thought this man was going to be the one to stop me thinking so much of the other;
(26) met a few times over a weekend away (both in the same place, different hotels) and he came to mine and we kissed and played which was nice. Had a lovely time with him going to different places in the city. Really started to like him.
(27) he took me to his hotel and we dtd but he struggled to stay hard and pulled out and finished himself off. He has never married or had children and seemed very sexually shy in some ways
(28) he was fine the next day and we met again and went to the train station in the evening to catch our trains. He hugged and kissed me before I left for mine;
(29) had always struggled to get conversation out of him on WhatsApp at times, and didn’t appear to be very sexual, but he was lovely all weekend. It was me who went for his hand not vice versa. He started to go quiet on return from the weekend and I asked him his intentions. Basically he has doubts! Said he felt we were miles apart but had a lot in common! I thought we got on well! So, that’s the end of that and I feel like I have wasted 5 months of my life with him. Other one, of course, gets on really well with me and we chat for hours!
(30) Both are out of my life atm. The married one returns again and again. I won’t lie. I have strong feelings for him but know it’s wrong and I’m always going to suffer heartache with him. I’m
an idiot. I can’t have him and have tried to move on but can’t. Just had another close death in my family. Feeling extremely unhappy and lonely. Getting nowhere on dating sites. Im a fairly attractive, hard working 50 year old female. Financially independent and one child not far off fleeing the nest (both want to leave the UK). He lives with his father mainly. Not on HRT due mother’s cancer. Feel like I’ve screwed up everything and my kids’ lives. Currently in the family home which I have to sell.

Feeling stupid and lonely. Menopause symptoms settled but I’m still quite sexual and really feel bitter that I’ve lived in a sexless marriage for so long. Not even held hands or anything.

Is this it? Am I destined to be unhappy? I’ve worked so hard to get a good career (BSc, MSc) and just don’t know how I ended up here!

Go back to the job/industry you love.

Forget about men.

Focus on selling the house and enjoying your children's lives.

The rest will follow.

I’m in a very similar situation at 47 it is a really lonely place, I keep being told things will just get better but I spent so long unhappily married that I just existed and now I’m out I really don’t know how to pull my life together, you’re not alone I’m sure it will all work out don’t give up hope. Xx

That’s just three guys. My middle aged friend went on about 150 tinder dates before he met someone nice enough to marry. Calm your jets. Focus on yourself. But a vibrator, get some therapy and make your life lovely. Then think about men.

Oh god please just stop worrying about men. Focus on you, your life and being comfortable in your own skin and company.

Honestly it's the only way to stop yourself compromising yourself. Once you are happy on your own you will only give that up for someone amazing trust me.

Have some time alone sorting out the paperwork/ logistics/ emotional fallout of the divorce and stop worrying about finding a man ASAP.

With your marriage, it sounds like it was taking away more than it was adding with the lack of any intimacy/ conversation and the guilt caused by addressing it with other men. Therefore in terms of wellbeing, you're still net better off if that makes sense.

Why do you so desperately need another man straight away? I get that you feel youve lost out on romance and want to make up for it but there is more going on. Why not find company with friends and interests, get your kids settled, break off the fling that's not making you happy, look at re-entering the profession you loved (even if in some lateral way if it's something you can't go directly back to).

Properly take stock. Without that, I get the distinct impression you'll make another decision around men that impacts you poorly.

Invest in you. Put men in the back burner. When you are in a better place perhaps you will make better choices. Join some groups for socialising. I have experienced a massive loss really, I know it can be very difficult. Be kind to yourself

Lots of good advice given here so far op.
I can see how this happened. I have experienced the sex surge and attempted to re-ignite my relationship with dh (similar situation with dh to what you have described). I can see how it happened, please don't be too harsh with yourself. I feel like I've just done a loop now that my testerone has seemingly flatlined. I asked the GP for testerone but they don't want to give it to me without HRT and I can't take HRT so feel stuck. I can also relate to the 'Is this it?' feeling too.
Good advice about sorting other areas of your life first. You can always come back to you if this makes sense. I've been working on this and still have some distance to go but it keeps me out of the pits of despair because it feels like positive change (albeit very gradual) is happening in one area of my life.

Thank you for the replies. It helps!
I’d like to go back to my own profession as the job I’m in now is awful and is at risk because the place could close due to serious short-staffing. I deal with grief from staff on a daily basis. Problem is, there have been none advertised locally for a long, long time. There are a few that pop up south but I am restricted to staying here (at the moment) as my daughter is doing GCSE’s (at an outstanding school) and she needs to be able to see her father. I would think he would challenge things if I decided to go for a job 200 miles away - plus, it costs more to live south of Nottingham due to the closer proximity to London. Also, my eldest is taking a gap year (did very well in his A-levels) and has deferred a plane at university until next year as he wants to think about things. He has a part time job and is thinking of working abroad over the summer season. If it was just him, I’d be quite happy to leave the area as all of my family are no longer with us. However, I have the 14 year old to consider.
I have signed up to do another MSc in an area that interests me and that I could move into over the next 2 years so I feel it’ll open doors for me - fingers crossed. I start that in April (distance learning) and it’s the same university I did my other MSc with.
Men…yes, I feel like I have missed out. I’m 50 and aware I’m starting to age a bit (although still younger looking than my age). I have known the other man for 5 years now and we have got to know each other remarkably well in this time and he attracted me both sexually and with his personality. My husband, a lot older, was very cold emotionally/sexually and never gave affection. He was also quiet, reserved and socially awkward. Totally opposite. I wish that I’d done something sooner but it took the feelings of menopause (which I didn’t realise at the time) to send me crazy.
I know I have missed out and been with someone I wasn’t compatible with. As a people pleaser, I stayed and accepted it. It took many years of acceptance until one day - boom - my body and mind went through a massive change and I took stock, and re-evaluated, my life.
I know my husband wasn’t particularly affection and - in the end - I didn’t want him to be (well, not with me). My eyes were opened and my head was turned and I can see why now looking back. Maybe my childhood has had an affect - my parents divorced (mum was 48 and probably menopausal too) and I was 8. My father disappeared from my life and died when I was 26. My older siblings had all left home before I turned 7. Males. Maybe lack of males in my life affected me.
My son is with his dad mostly and my daughter is in her room all the time. Even when I take her out she sits with her head in her phone and AirPods in listening to music. I actually sat opposite her the other day, in Cafe Nero, with tears in my eyes. She doesn’t acknowledge my existence. Her dad hardly has her so I get very little time for a life and feel like I have to rush home from work a lot to see to her. I try to get a long weekend away every 3 months (hence why I was in London) so I get a break. Aside from that, he doesn’t have her much and she refuses to go. She also finds him hard
work to be with.
A lot of my friends are work colleagues from a job where I worked for
many years. They all live in other towns and, since I announced the break up of my marriage, only 2 have stayed in touch so I feel like I have lost other people too.
Really feel down and lonely. Lack of family.
Lack if friends. A stressful job that I don’t enjoy. Lack of a man in my life to spend time with etc. Not good.

Most likely your childhood did affect your decisions op. I know they affected mine (I have only just come to that realisation) and Im trying not to berate myself. I see a therapist and this is helping me - in that space I can be myself and say the things I want to say.

Lack of family and lack of friends who really get me, yes, same here. That's why I've turned inward a bit and focused on making myself happy. Without a doubt I'm lacking connections and there is this underlying sense of sadness but with time, I've learnt to enjoy my own company far more and probably as a result, feel less lonely (though I understand this, it comes over me often). I've also realised there is no instant fix to this. Developing interests/joining interest groups has also helped a great deal. I also currently have youngish dc to focus on.

Wishing you all the best op.

@Thehouseatpoohcorner
thank you for your kind words.
Can I just ask how long the sex surge lasted for you? It was well over a year for me and I’ve settled a lot now but still not flatlined. I don’t seem to be off sex like other menopausal women are. I’ve gone the other way but maybe having lived in a sexless marriage, and being with others, has caused this.

Not very long unfortunately Namechanger. A matter of months at most.