Been mostly unhappy in my relationship of 10 years for for the last 4. We live mostly as housemates and haven't tried to reignite our relationship much since April after he refused to ever return to relationship counselling as she said that whilst I needed to step back a little from trying to make the relationship work, he needed to step forward. I stepped back and he carried on as normal and it all just faded away. We have slept in separate rooms mostly for 4 years, there has been very little sex or intimacy. I'm in my mid-thirties.
If we didn't have two young children together, I'd have walked 4 years ago.
I was planning our separation and then last week, we suddenly found our passion again, we had sex a couple of times and he was more attentive. He then went away on holiday for a week with friends. Despite the two days of passion, I know that we're very likely past the point of reconciliation and I know that he can't maintain any effort longer than a few days before he's living a more insular existence again and I'm feeling like a glorified maid and nanny.
Even with two young children at home, it's just calmer without him here, without his black cloud around me. Practically, everything is harder as he's a hands on Dad, but emotionally, I just feel better. I enjoyed our two days of passion, but deep down, I know that's all it was. I'm not around his OCD about the washing machine and dishwasher either, it just feels nicer. I'm a bit lonely and missing adult company, you know, someone to tell things to about work, the kids, but other than that, it's ok.
I don't think I want him to come home after his holiday. He has siblings, parents and friends he can stay with whilst the house is sold and then we can split equity (in joint names) and go our separate ways. He can come to the house to see the children in the evenings, they can go and stay with him if he goes to his parents house as they have space, until the house is sold. I have no family around and very few friends due to me moving to his hometown, I work from home mostly and my friends aren't local so it's not easy for me to leave.
I don't think he'll agree to any of it.
He's quite possessive and will hang on for dear life to me and the house, like many of his hoarded belongings which occupy the garage. I really am just a "belonging" to him or a resource. I haven't felt myself in years. I feel glimmers of my old self coming through now that he's not around.
I don't know why I'm posting other than to express what I'm thinking and feeling. When do I tell him though? I don't want to spoil his holiday. Leave it until the last day?