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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've made my bed now I have to lie in it

24 replies

doomedforlife · 29/10/2022 01:12

NC as I'm embarrassed.

I'm stuck. I am stuck in an abusive relationship. He won't let me go. Three years no contact, then we got in contact again, I had the lovely dovey feeling, he made noises that he was going to change, said the right things, and decided to make another go. Big mistake. It's too late. I have been avoiding him as I've came to my senses and done want my DC's to grow up in an abusive environment. But he won't leave me. Keeps asking me to come and see him when I tell
him again and again that as his so irrational, I do not want to see him. He tried to commit suicide. Twice. He is worsening as he ages. The abuse started when we were late teens, now his approaching 30 and that bugger still won't change- his even worse. I cannot reason with him, I told him again and again that we should be cordial, be friends in fact and co parent for the sake of DCs. No. His not having it. I was so stupid that I could rationalise with an abusive person.

He came to my place of work three weeks ago as he suspects I was cheating (because I've been avoiding him). I managed to book a taxi, but he wouldn't let me go, called the security at my work place but he grabbed my phone and I legged it. He chased me. Some of my colleagues managed to stop him getting to me. Had to talk to my manager about the incident and past history. I'm so embarrassed and can't face my work colleagues again. I'm now hot gossip. I'm a very private person and now everyone knows I have a deranged abuser who is the father of my DC's.

He called me 20 times on the phone today because he suspected I have been cheating. I wasn't. My phone was off.

He keeps texting me to say that he wants to meet me, wants sex, wants to let him love me, that he misses me, wants to rube and squeeze me tight.

I literally cannot take it anymore. If I ignore him or refuse to see him, he would come for me and probably beat me up or worse. He told me that if I marry anyone else, or meet anymore else that because he loves me so much and doesn't want me to be with anyone else, he would kill me and me imaginary new partner. I keep reassuring that I wouldn't marry or be with someone else.

This is too much. Maybe if I kill myself, I would be free of him. But what about my
DC's. I do love the father of my children but I do not want this life for myself and my kiddos I don't want to be with someone that I have to continue to work on egg shells or appease him because I don't want him to blow. I just need to endure it but I don't know if I can do it any longer.

OP posts:

RiverSkater · 29/10/2022 01:22

This is harassment, you can report him to the police. He's a danger to you and your DC.

Keep a log of everything. For the sake of your sanity and safety, and your DCs. report him to the police.

And don't embarrassed you got sucked into his narrative again, these narcissists are very manipulative. It's not your fault.

Wallywobbles · 29/10/2022 01:23

Please call the police. Or take your phone and show them if you can. Prepare in little increments. Don't give up your life.

Discovereads · 29/10/2022 01:28

Call Womens Aid.
They will help you with contacting the police to file non molestation orders and charges of harrassment.
They can also place you and the DC in a refuge where he cannot find you while you search for a new address/place to live.

They help thousands of women in your situation every year. You are not trapped, he just has you believing you are as it suits his purpose. 💐

Pixiedust1234 · 29/10/2022 01:33

Go to the police and tell them. This is stalking and harassment. Follow the advice of the police and/or solicitor.

Confide in your manager and colleagues and neighbours but say the minimum. He is stalking you and you need their help to intervene so you can leave work etc. They can act as witnesses if the police need them to be. Basically talk to people. Get it out there.

Send him one last text. Tell him to leave you alone. Tell him if he threatens to kill himself you will ask the police to do a welfare check but thats it. Then block him on everything.

Any contact regarding the children can be done through a solicitor or third party.

Mom2K · 29/10/2022 01:39

Police. Every. Single. Time. I'm sorry this is happening to you 😔

Do not concern yourself with his threats of suicide, they are meant to manipulate you - he won't actually do it. And even if he did, it's nothing to do with you. Do not engage. Don't respond to him, just keep calling the police and keep a log of everything.

SpinningFloppa · 29/10/2022 01:43

Am I right in thinking you don’t live together? At least that’s one thing, you could go into a refuge where he can’t find you? Contact woman’s aid.

DominoBlue · 29/10/2022 02:01

Agree that you need to send one last text telling him to leave you alone. You also need to buy a cheap PYG phone, give him that number and tell him he can only contact you regarding the children on that phone and block him on your main phone. Phone the Police, everytime. Phone Women's Aid, they are amazing. Phone your local Domestic Abuse service and see what help they can offer. They often run courses for children who have witnessed domestic abuse whether it's coercive control, financial abuse or emotional abuse not just physical abuse. Go and see your GP, you sound like the stress is really getting to you and you need help and support. They can refer you to MIND so you can talk with someone regularly. There is help out there. I know you say you are a private person and a lot of that probably stems from feeling ashamed by feeling like a victim. But you shouldn't feel ashamed, you've done nothing wrong. HE, your abuser should feel ashamed of his behaviour. Ignore his suicide threats, he's trying to manipulate you. And if he feels that seriously then he needs medical intervention and help to deal with his obsession. Should he carry the threat out, well, that's not your fault. You cannot control what he does, he a grown up and responsible for his own actions. As for being the subject of gossip, you need to put that out of your mind. People will have been shocked but you described people coming to help. Nobody likes bullies, most women have experienced some form of abuse and can empathise. They probably would like to help you more. As for the men, real, decent men will be disgusted by him. Not you. Him. So, head up, your colleagues are probably wishing they chased him into the traffic! Get on the phone, you are not alone. There's help but you need to ask. Keep yourself and your children safe. Make sure another adult knows what the situation is and get panic buttons installed by the police. Please take care.

DominoBlue · 29/10/2022 02:07

Also get your locks changed, especially if he had a key at anytime. It's not that expensive, you can buy the barrels in screwfix and do it with very little DIY skills. A video doorbell would be good too. Also, you need to tell your manager in work, so they can put in plans to keep you safe, like banning him from the premises. You cannot let your pride stop you from being safe. If he is threatening you, take it seriously, for the sake of your children.

HyggeandTea · 29/10/2022 02:11

Well done on leaving him before. It often takes a few tries and you have recognised this.
Women’s Aid are amazing, please phone them
Keep a log of everything and ask for help. This is not something you have to do on your own.
Sweetheart, if you were not around then your dc would be with him all the time and he is not a mentally stable man. They is no situation where they would ever be better off without you.
Chin up, you know what needs to happen and you have totally got this. Xx

LuckyLil · 29/10/2022 10:58

Why are you not talking to the police about this?

Original poster

doomedforlife · 29/10/2022 11:35

I don't want to involve the police. Nothing comes out of it.

This is my destiny. I have to accept it

OP posts:

Everydaywheniwakeup · 29/10/2022 11:37

Well if you are going to have that attitude, yes you are. Your children won't thank you for it though. If he wants to kill himself, that's because of him not you. You don't have to accept this at all.

Motnight · 29/10/2022 11:37

Op you seem so ground down. Have you got a real life friend that you can talk to about this?

You need to go to the police, to protect your children if not yourself.

Dery · 29/10/2022 11:42

As PP have said, please go to the police - he is committing crimes against you. What you describe is harassment, assault and, I think, battery.

I suspect they will put you in touch with an agency such as the National Centre for Domestic Violence who will help you with applying for a non-molestation order. You can contact them directly also and ask for their support.

Abusers threaten suicide to manipulate their victims and keep them on side. It is very unlikely he will do it but it is completely on him if he does. If you’re really worried, let his family know or call the police and ask them to do a welfare check.

Your DCs need you to stay alive and you need real life support to deal with this man. Please report him to the police and also speak to Women’s Aid. It’s hard to harden your heart against him but for the sake of your children that’s what you must do because he will destroy you if you don’t.

tribpot · 29/10/2022 11:52

Why do you say nothing comes of going to the police? You don't mention having involved them before in your opening post.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2022 15:29

There is no such thing as destiny. And if you make your bed all wonky, a sensible person would re-make it straight, or spend the night on the sofa. There is absolutely no reason to put up with being abused just because the charmer suckered you in again. It's a sadly common scenario, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's not your fault that he lied to you; it's not your fault that you are afraid; it's not your fault that you can't currently see a way out. But no, this is not what your life has to be like. You would not have posted a message if you didn't have some small smidgeon of hope that there can be another answer.

SpinningFloppa · 29/10/2022 15:31

I don’t believe the police wouldn’t take this seriously tbh. Are you downplaying it to them?

FlorettaB · 29/10/2022 15:34

Stop being so melodramatic. You have children. They deserve for at least one of their parents to behave like a stable adult.

Theskyisfallingdown · 29/10/2022 17:18

The police can deal with the criminal. Someone needs to prioritise the kids dragged in to this nightmare, they have a right to live without abuse, having an abusive parent is obviously hugely traumatic, what help have you sought for them?
Can they go and live somewhere they will be free of exposure to abuse?
Urgently?

Brigante9 · 29/10/2022 17:37

No, you don’t have to accept this. Why do you think that? He has messed with your head and made you believe this nonsense. Block him, use the parenting app for contact with the children or go via a 3rd party. Don’t let him near you, don’t go to him. If he approaches you, call the police and tell them you’re scared. Send him one last final break up message. Please call the Suzy Lampugh trust www.suzylamplugh.org or Paladin www.paladinservice.co.uk for support re his stalking/harassment.

You do NOT have to tolerate his crazy behaviour.

Badger1970 · 29/10/2022 17:46

You've handed control to someone with mental health problems.

Stand still, take a very deep breath. You can free yourself and your children from this, only you're so panicked that you're not seeing clearly.

Please phone Women's Aid. They're heard your story a million times over, and they can and will help. Please do it, for your children if not for yourself. They deserve a life free of this man.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2022 17:48

doomedforlife · 29/10/2022 11:35

I don't want to involve the police. Nothing comes out of it.

This is my destiny. I have to accept it

So what's your children's destiny? No stable adult comes out of an upbringing like this.

notmyrealmoniker · 29/10/2022 17:53

Stalking and harassment. Police and women's aid

Mom2K · 29/10/2022 19:08

*I don't want to involve the police. Nothing comes out of it.

This is my destiny. I have to accept it*

First of all, that isn't true. And secondly...just think of what you are exposing your children to and teaching them by accepting this and doing nothing.

Please, if not for yourself then take action for your kids. But know, that you are worthy of it too. You can get help and things can change. Just keep taking the steps that you need to take. Posting here is a great first step but please do involve the police and the people around you

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