Difficult ex

[Sakura03]

Sorry if this is not posted under the right topic, I tried posting in lone parent but got no response. I’m 3.5 years down the line of dealing with my ex and his moodiness and manipulative behaviour still affects me… over the years he’s stopped seeing our son who is nearly 5 years old because our son didn’t want to stay with him overnight (I think he just missed me more than anything) and ex would then get nasty towards me and threatened to stop child maintenance. Anyway since spring it’s been going reasonably well (he can be polite but it’s short lived and unpredictable, I think a lot of it is still to do with the fact that I left him and he's still not over it) although he’s only been taking our son out during the day once a fortnight but 3 week ago our son had agreed to go for sleepover at his dad but he changed his mind last minute. I tried to persuade him but he was having non of it and again his dad blamed me. His dad then punished him by changing his mind and didn’t pick him up when he told him he would (he is very selfish and it’s all about how he feels rejected). Prior to this we had agreed that we would share childcare in half term and he would come to mine and spend time with our son while I was at work. He turned up in a mood and completely blanked me. On the second day I asked him a perfectly reasonable question and he completely flipped and twisted everything I said. He called me a disgusting mother and said he had taken time out of work to come and ‘help me with childcare’ which he didn’t have to do, at which point I got fed up listening to him and told him not to come the following day. When he left he told me that sometimes I deserved a really good smack in the mouth. Our son hear the abuse towards me and was clearly uncomfortable so I obviously had to make sure he was alright. At bedtime he repeated what his dad had said to me and that he should go to naughty land for saying those unkind things. This is not the first time our son has heard his dad being verbally abusive towards me and I feel I need to do something about it but not sure what to do. I know that I don’t want my ex to come into my home anymore and I'm concerned about the verbal abuse towards me that our son has overheard. Do I approach a family solicitor? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Yes. I'd contact a family solicitor ASAP. Compile any evidence of his manipulative behaviour and the fact that he said that in front of your son who fully understood is horrific. That's crossing the line. Yes he may want child contact and he's picking and choosing, that's taking a huge toll on your son subconsciously making him feel like an "option" or a tool.

He also indirectly threatened you. Please record any conversations in person now should they happen and any texts etc keep screenshots.

Sort out a childcare plan with your solicitor directly and request her to send it to court with your c100 form. This would make whatever the plan is legally binding. Eg if contact is pushed for by your ex the times etc must be stuck to. If he breaks these rules consistently you can take him back to court and make the changes you and your solicitor find appropriate in the child's best interest.

Some contact will always be pushed by family court so please provide as much of the story as well as you can to your solicitor. If your ex was abusive (he sounds like he was) emotionally please make a report to the police. With any evidence of how he was manipulative / why you left etc. Even if it was a while ago and even if nothing can be done about it. Just that you've reported it is enough it'll show up on your c100 form.

This will show the judge you made a plan and tried to encourage child contact (always good sign) and for safeguarding purposes you got in contact with a solicitor to make contact safe as possible for your child. Your ex behaviours will be easier to prove in family court depending on what the police say about any allegations you make against him.

if you haven't already fill out a CMS application. In a way it's taken from his wage directly so he can stop threatening not to pay. That's a form of post separation abuse.

I hope this helps in any way.

Also if you have reported domestic abuse you are entitled to legal aid. Free solicitor.

Use the grey rock method dealing with him. It works.

Don't push your ex for contact with your son, this is on him. Hopefully he will lose interest and you can get on with a life with your DS without the ex in it.

My ex lost interest after a year of me grey rocking him. He hasn't seen my DD13 since she was two. We are absolutely bloody fine and thriving.

I felt that the only reason he spent time with DD was to get to me. Once he knew he couldn't get to me, he lost interest in both of us.

I'm not sad for my DD, my ex was an abusive, sociopathic narcissist.

@jeaux90 proud of you

@rmummyofone thankyou. Being a lone parent is so much easier and more peaceful than life with an abuser in it.

rmummyofone thank you for your suggestions, I was hoping the solicitor could write to my ex and suggest a plan of action and then if he doesn't stick to this then next step would be court but I have no idea if this is an option. I find it so daunting having to fo this (I know I have to do it, it just fills me with anxiety).
jeaux90 never heard of grey rock method before, but I've had a quick Google and will look into it properly. Thank you both x

You're welcome. If you report DV you are entitled to a free family law solicitor through legal aid.

If you have safeguarding concerns for the kids, a childcare plan may not be the best way to go as if anything happens to or around the children while in his care this can backfire onto you for allowing the contact while knowing his character for how he is.

Sending the c100 form with a childcare plan written (of how much contact you would have allowed when etc) will look responsible in front of the judge and due to DV you would not need to mediate and the judge will respect that.

Your legal aid solicitor will fight your case for whatever concerns you have and along with social services / cafcass any issues reported will be looked at carefully to determine what is best for your children in the long run.

This is just the way I've gone about it through the advice my family law solicitor has given to me. However, each situation is different. They are usually very supportive and calling around isn't harmful either. They're usually happy to give consultations and advice too.

Definitely see a family solicitor. I’m 8 years on from leaving a narcissist, and it doesn’t get any easier if you don’t get everything sown up with a watertight c100. Collection and drop off arrangement times specified during school terms and during holidays, specify Xmas arrangements, birthdays, the lot. It’ll save years of aggro. Good luck