Trauma bond?

[rmummyofone]

I can’t be the only one?

So, I left my (now ex) husband early August this year. I left because my mental state was the poorest it’s ever been, he’d been giving me silent treatment for weeks at that point and I felt we desperately needed the time apart.

He gave me silent treatment as I approached his family and elders for help and support over a few issues:
• Coercive control (at the time I didn’t recognise it to be what it is) over my clothing using religious manipulation to make me cover my face.
• coercive with my job.
• Coercive control over contraception and family planning, cheating online and escort contacts on his phone, coming home early hours of the morning and never respecting my boundaries.
• Coercive with sex and has threatened to show explicit videos of me to family. I was unaware these were recorded.
• no accountability at all and if the did have it it would last literally 24-48 hours max before reality would hit. 99% would blame me even if I was sure he’s 100% in the wring.

These are a few. Ofc the silent treatment set me off mentally and I needed to go back to my parents home to be supported.

Does anyone else clearly recognise if their friends or sisters or relatives told them this they would 100% tell them to get out. Why do I miss someone who treated me so poorly?

Any podcasts or books you could recommend that may help healing this type of abuse?

I’m no expert so can’t advise but you have been through an awful lot, terrible treatment from someone you should have been able to trust 100%. Your emotions must be all over the place, it takes time to process all that’s happened and all you’ve learnt about his behaviour.
I do know that abusers use strategies to bind you to them, I suppose that’s to stop the truth coming out.
You’ve been brave, you’ve taken the first huge step getting out, be kind to yourself as I’m sure you’re life will get better and better. 💐

You're far from being the only one. It's distressingly commonplace, what you're going through, and it happens to all sorts of people.

It's usually to do with how we've been raised. What example did your parents set you of what an adult relationship looks like? Did they listen to and respect each other? Was their relationship kind and loving? Did they listen to and respect you and your feelings? Were they able to focus on parenting you, or were they distracted by something (illness/challenging sibling/addiction/over work)?

@Dahliasstillinbloom @Watchkeys

thank you for your responses

Honestly I had a good childhood and a good upbringing, which is why I feel I don't deserve to be a victim in this as I've never felt like one before.

My emotions ARE everywhere that's true. Sometimes I'm fine, a few moments later I'm absolutely NOT fine

It's not about having a 'good' or 'bad' childhood. Parents can be loving, caring, and well meaning, but if they don't listen, for whatever reason, it affects the child's adult relationships.

Could you open up and tell them all about how you felt, regardless of what you felt? Were they the ones you went to when you were upset, and were you glad you did?

Sorry to be pushing it. Might be barking up the wrong tree. But this is usually the root, and often (for me included) the realisation is preceded by 'No, it's not that... my childhood was fine, totally normal...'

@Watchkeys awww thank you. You're not barking up the wrong tree, I think my childhood trauma stems from bullying at school really. A huge lack of self worth that I thought I had found in my late teens and before my ex. Clearly not.