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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it selfish

21 replies

weeva · 28/10/2022 20:45

Hi all, I need an honest advice…

I have a friend who I used to be closer than now with, we worked together and lived in the same city so we had more chance to see each other. This was 10years ago. I then moved, studied, lived in a different city, changed partner, a lot happened. For the past 6–7 years she rarely reached out, asked how I am, but her husband (who I’m friend with too) always kept in touch. If I had any contact with her I remember it was because I reached out.

I now live around 1h45m train journey away (one way). Her 40th bday is on Monday. Her husband messaged me today and asked if I can attend a small catch up (only three girls) at their house on Monday evening. Apart from the fact that he only gave me 2 days notice and I have no time to even buy a present, it’s also Monday. I finish work at 4.30pm (or later), need to get ready as you would, and the train takes 1h45 one way… I would arrive there and have less than 2h before I would have to leave to catch the train back.

I don’t drive, and it would take my partner 2h of his evening to pick me up and drive back home, which is not ideal, this is a long drive for a late evening.

Her husband offered to drop be back home early morning before I start work, which I declined as I would find it really stressful. He also offered to sort out the transportation for me on that evening, which I thought would be awkward as I don’t know who that would be and not paying somebody for 2h of their time would be rude and I don’t think it will be cheap. I don’t earn that much as well.

I said I don’t think I would attend as no options seem to work for me. I have a busy job and even though I work from home it is intense. I think I offended him, as he eventually gave up and stopped talking to me (over text).

I feel bad now as I would like to attend her birthday, but I also feel that nobody thought about how I’m going to do it living a bit further than others, being after work on Monday and I only found out today!
Am I selfish? It’s her 40th bday, If it was organised a bit closer to me or on the weekend or even on Friday evening I would be there for sure, but this is really tricky for me. Also, she hardly ever contact me in recent years, we see each other maybe once a year, and it is ok then, but we’re not so close…

What do you think I should do? I feel guilty for saying no, I think it’s my problem generally :( How to say no when things don’t really suit you, without being selfish? Should I try harder and do what feels uncomfortable for me to please her and her husband? :/ I always have problem putting myself first, but it’s also her 40th bday… am I being selfish?

I would appreciate any comments and advice. Thank you

OP posts:
pictish · 28/10/2022 20:50

I think it’s fine to decline. It’s too short notice and disruptive. He is being unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2022 20:50

I wouldn’t have got into logistics and said sorry I wasn’t able to attend but that a card and gift was in the post. It’s all got very complicated and angsty which wasn’t necessary.

Original poster
weeva · 28/10/2022 20:50

Hi, thank you, appreciate your comment and opinion!

OP posts:
Original poster
weeva · 28/10/2022 20:53

Yes, I felt a bit like put against the wall… but also I don’t want to seem like I don’t care. Assertiveness is my weak point…

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/10/2022 20:54

It's up to him if he wants to be offended. You've decided not to go to a far away party that you don't want to go to, having been invited at such short notice that planning it has stressed you out. Would you expect her to come to your birthday with 2 days notice, on a work day?

Original poster
weeva · 28/10/2022 20:57

I think I would never make anybody feel bad for saying “no”… and he was persistent, asked me to take my laptop and work from their home which was crazy idea, and just wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, which made me feel really guilty and bad…

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 28/10/2022 20:58

Personally I think it’s too far to go on a work night. I wouldn’t go either. Also very short notice.

Faultymain5 · 28/10/2022 21:02

I actually think he was tasked with doing something and he’s left it to the last minute. That you wouldn’t be first on her list even though she’d enjoy seeing you and he realised that it’s not going to be as nice as she deserves.

it’s a him problem.

Original poster
weeva · 28/10/2022 21:06

I was wondering why he was so persistent… I’m not her closest friend and live quite far, I know he planned other people to attend (said that to me a few months ago) but it looks like none of them will be there… so I wonder if he doesn’t want to look bad that he didn’t organised it well…
Thanks for your opinions, I’m just trying to get other views on this as I’m overthinking a lot

OP posts:
Meowsaidthecat · 28/10/2022 21:08

It's fine. He didn't give you enough notice. You're not the one in the wrong here.

Ofcourseshecan · 28/10/2022 21:10

Could you arrange to do a Zoom call on the day?

Watchkeys · 28/10/2022 21:15

There's really nothing to overthink, OP. You're not going to a party because you were told about it at short notice. That's the full story.

Send her a message on the day to say happy birthday, and 'let's get together soon'.

Any drama is being created by him, and his behaviour is changing what you think of you. That's the thing to think about; why do someone else's actions have such an effect of your view of yourself?

Crimeismymiddlename · 28/10/2022 21:34

It’s short notice and on a Monday night. Don’t feel bad. It’s on him to Give correct notice, and I would expect a 40th to be on the weekend anyway.

OdkinsBodkins · 28/10/2022 22:31

{I'm sorry} that {day, time, location} doesn't work for me. {I'd really love to catch up with her/you both/you all at a mutually convenient alternative time.}

Simples.

And completely reasonable.

jeaux90 · 28/10/2022 23:03

Would you be up for suggesting a night out the following weekend? It's a bit silly of him to leave it this late and expect you to travel all that way on a work night.

Original poster
weeva · 29/10/2022 00:21

Ofcourseshecan · 28/10/2022 21:10

Could you arrange to do a Zoom call on the day?

I don’t think they the type of people who would consider this…

OP posts:
Original poster
weeva · 29/10/2022 00:27

Watchkeys · 28/10/2022 21:15

There's really nothing to overthink, OP. You're not going to a party because you were told about it at short notice. That's the full story.

Send her a message on the day to say happy birthday, and 'let's get together soon'.

Any drama is being created by him, and his behaviour is changing what you think of you. That's the thing to think about; why do someone else's actions have such an effect of your view of yourself?

Thanks for this, sometimes I miss somebody to just tell me what I think/did was ok.
This is my problem through my whole life really, I feel guilty or blame myself when people are unhappy with my decisions. In some way I think I’m a people pleaser :( When I do anything for myself I feel bad…I know it’s because of my childhood and upbringing, and this is tailing me my whole life :/ Sometimes, like on this occasion, I really doubt myself, and just can’t make a correct judgement whether I made the right decision or somebody is unreasonable.

Many thanks for your opinion!

OP posts:
Original poster
weeva · 29/10/2022 00:29

Crimeismymiddlename · 28/10/2022 21:34

It’s short notice and on a Monday night. Don’t feel bad. It’s on him to Give correct notice, and I would expect a 40th to be on the weekend anyway.

Thanks a lot for your comment

OP posts:
Original poster
weeva · 29/10/2022 00:47

jeaux90 · 28/10/2022 23:03

Would you be up for suggesting a night out the following weekend? It's a bit silly of him to leave it this late and expect you to travel all that way on a work night.

I suggested meeting up in the city that is half way for all of us, so we all have better access to get there and get back home. Even if it was a weekday, it would be easier to meet in the middle somewhere… he wasn’t happy about it :/

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 16:40

I know it’s because of my childhood and upbringing, and this is tailing me my whole life

Take responsibility for yourself. You're not in the hands of your upbringing now. You are in your own hands, and your decisions and feelings are yours.

just can’t make a correct judgement whether I made the right decision or somebody is unreasonable

Your assumption that there is a 'correct' judgement is at the heart of the problem. Who do you think is the judge? You need to realise means that becoming an adult means that you don't need parents any more. Not because you don't need to be parented, but because you are meant to be able to parent yourself. The little voice inside you who thinks they're doing 'wrong' is little-you. Young-you. Little kiddywink-you. And if you're blaming your upbringing, then chances are, she's never been listened to, because your parents didn't listen. But you can listen to her now. When she says she doesn't want to go to the party, you can respect that. When your 'upbringing' starts telling you you're obliged to go, you can reassure the little you. 'It's ok not to go, sweetie'. Try to take that tone with yourself, rather than giving yourself a rousting about it. Remind her that she never has to go to any parties or events if she doesn't want to, and nobody has any right to judge her about it, even if your parents would have. Tell her that from now on, you'll indulge her, as long as what she wants is reasonably healthy, for you. You are only responsible for you. And you're a nice person (right?), so none of the things you want to do will be mean or nasty to anybody else, unless they've really hurt you.

Nothing is 'tailing' you. You are free of it all. You have simply been conditioned to put your feelings last on your priority list, and that is your responsibility alone, to change.

Original poster
weeva · 29/10/2022 23:54

Watchkeys · 29/10/2022 16:40

I know it’s because of my childhood and upbringing, and this is tailing me my whole life

Take responsibility for yourself. You're not in the hands of your upbringing now. You are in your own hands, and your decisions and feelings are yours.

just can’t make a correct judgement whether I made the right decision or somebody is unreasonable

Your assumption that there is a 'correct' judgement is at the heart of the problem. Who do you think is the judge? You need to realise means that becoming an adult means that you don't need parents any more. Not because you don't need to be parented, but because you are meant to be able to parent yourself. The little voice inside you who thinks they're doing 'wrong' is little-you. Young-you. Little kiddywink-you. And if you're blaming your upbringing, then chances are, she's never been listened to, because your parents didn't listen. But you can listen to her now. When she says she doesn't want to go to the party, you can respect that. When your 'upbringing' starts telling you you're obliged to go, you can reassure the little you. 'It's ok not to go, sweetie'. Try to take that tone with yourself, rather than giving yourself a rousting about it. Remind her that she never has to go to any parties or events if she doesn't want to, and nobody has any right to judge her about it, even if your parents would have. Tell her that from now on, you'll indulge her, as long as what she wants is reasonably healthy, for you. You are only responsible for you. And you're a nice person (right?), so none of the things you want to do will be mean or nasty to anybody else, unless they've really hurt you.

Nothing is 'tailing' you. You are free of it all. You have simply been conditioned to put your feelings last on your priority list, and that is your responsibility alone, to change.

Yes, what you're saying makes total sense. I think it probably takes some more time and practice to put yourself first without feeling bad about it and I think a lot of women has problem with it…

I was always told by my parents that being selfish is bad, I guess I really don’t want to be seen as selfish, so even when the action is not really a selfishness from my side, I overthink it and really analyse how this may be seen.

In reality I should only think how I feel about it and not worry how it is seen… I don’t blame childhood, but I’m aware that it is my upbringing that I carry with me like we all, and what you’re saying makes a lot of sense, but it’s easier said than done :) I’m trying to work on myself, it’s a hard work.

Thanks for your very insightful comment, it’s a good for thoughts for me!

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