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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't like my own reaction...

11 replies

warofthemonstertrucks · 28/10/2022 15:57

We have just found out that DP's ex wife is fairly seriously ill. I have two DSS's and we share care with her 40/60.

This woman has made our lives hell for two years. False allegations, moving the kids away, blocking contact and phone calls, attempts to alienate the kids, blocked them coming to our wedding, her boyfriend tried to assault DP, etc etc...it has driven DP to be suicidal and cost us 30k we haven't got on going to court.

She has called DP this afternoon to tell him.Remarkable in itself as she has hitherto blocked him on her phone so he can't contact the boys when they are with her.

DP has just called me to tell me and said 'we're going to have a rough few months' due to it. I feel...nothing. Except maybe a bit of resentment (which I feel a bit ashamed of) because I'm
At the end of my rope having to think about her all the time (to date due to her behaviour and the effect it has on DP and DSS's, and now because she is ill and the effect that will now have on them).

I don't like my own reaction at all.

Obvs we will do whatever we need to with the boys (they are upset of course) and any extra childcare we need to do (which again I'm
Amazed she has even mentioned as she has fought tooth and nail to make us seeing them as hard as possible). But outside of that I just don't think I can face thinking about anything else around it.

I think I've become a terrible person. 2 years of horrible stress (not just stuff with DP-other stuff as well) and I've just go no compassion left at all.

We are due to get married in a few weeks. A secret wedding with just us as she managed to make the bigger wedding we had planned a nightmare re getting the boys there. Even that is now going to be a bit weird now. I know I'm being unreasonable to feel resentful over this but I can't seem to shake it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2022 16:00

She’s sounds like a horrible hateful selfish woman. She’s still that person with an illness. You’re perfectly normal to feel nothing. She’s made your life hell, you’re never going to feel warmly towards her.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 28/10/2022 16:04

Whatever she has medically wrong op hasn't morphed her from being a bitch to a St. So not feel bad.
But IF karma really is a thing....
My relative was an awful cow. Managing her debilitating condition just made her a cow in a wheelchair. She wasn't really any different.. No guilt saying that either..

whoknew123 · 28/10/2022 16:07

Karma. Be there for the boys and focus on th and their needs supporting them. Don't shed a single tear for the spiteful bitch. And yes, I am talking from bitter experience. Good luck X

40andfit · 28/10/2022 16:09

I think your reaction is normal. The cynic is me is wondering if she is telling the truth.

otherwayup · 28/10/2022 16:11

My ex has married the most evil person I've ever met.
She has been absolutely vile to my dc for over a decade and she seems to thrive on creating conflict and from alienating people.

In your shoes I'd feel the same. I absolutely don't wish her any harm but if she was ill etc I'd struggle to feel anything but contempt for her still.

whoknew123 · 28/10/2022 16:12

40andfit · 28/10/2022 16:09

I think your reaction is normal. The cynic is me is wondering if she is telling the truth.

My first thought on this too.

Dahliasstillinbloom · 28/10/2022 16:41

She is being truthful? My exh had a very attention seeking exw, honestly she’d have come up with anything to have him on a string.
If she is seriously I’ll she won’t magically become a nicer person. Sounds like she’s used her dc to be nasty to your DP, and I remember how draining the constant me, me, me was.
For now, take time to process the info and concentrate on when you look after dc they feel safe and secure with you and their dad. Unless you’re medically trained there’s nothing you do to help exw so keep contact on the low side.

ICanHideButICantRun · 28/10/2022 16:44

I doubt she's telling the truth. She's far more likely to be attention seeking. What a horrible woman she is.

Original poster
warofthemonstertrucks · 28/10/2022 19:07

We just spoke to the boys who are in bits so now I feel even more awful.

OP posts:
CSR721 · 28/10/2022 19:15

Please don't feel bad. What she's going through now in no way changes the things she has put you through or what she's done. My step mother treated me like shit when I was growing up. When I found out she was terminal, and even when she died, I felt nothing. Other than perhaps relief that I could now see my Dad without being judged/snapped at/snarked at all the time. I just made sure I was there for my Dad; as long as you're there to support your DSC, you have nothing to feel bad about.

RandomMess · 28/10/2022 19:19

You are human, emotions are strange things. She's made your life hellish deliberately.

Your reaction seems entirely understandable Flowers

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