Are you familiar with the Passive Agressive? Check this out.

[TreadmillMom]

This is called The Gaslight Effect.

Bump

My stepfather was a gaslighter and my mother and I the gaslightee's. Thankfully we got away but my half brother and sister and stuck with an a-hole for a father and havent given up on him one day changing or one day liking/loving them like a father should.
It is just as the psychologist described.... it creeps up slowly and before you know it, you're a nervous wreck. This incidious stuff doesnt show up as cuts or bruises or black-eyes on women. They bruises are invisble.
No woman wants be in this kind of relationship with their boss or parent or partner but usually, it creeps up and you're stuck in the middle of a shit storm without even knowing it. It kills self esteem and the belief in yourself and thats what keeps abused women in those types of relationships. Usually, it's the exact place where the partner, parent or boss wnats them.
A complete power trip for the gaslighter. Its props them up to make others feel like shit. There's alot of sick and twisted people out there.

Yes tonight

Although my relationship with dh has been bad and I promised myself I'd stop pandering to this crap I tonight found myself agreeing to use my hard earned annual leave to go abroad to see my dying fil (been dying for the last 7 years) and, worse, bring my cow and manipulative mil (the one who has done wonders in helping this relationship get so crap) back on a single ticket.

Oh what have I DONE!

I am regularly gaslighted but tonight I fought back - and then walked away. HE TEXTED ME and ended up all insecure. It was so empowering.

Dont let them get away with it!

think i'm going to buy that book!

thanks.

Yes, sums up my relationship with my mother and ex-stepdad as a child. These "gaslighters" often have traits of narcissitic personality disorder. There are two long threads on the subject, the most recent being "But we took you to stately homes: a thread for adult children of abusive families" (can't do links)

on this subject, i've got a book out from the library today called "the emotionally abusive relationship" by beverley engel, gaslighting and passive aggression etc. being the main theme of it,

only just started it but looks like a useful read so far, hope this helps.

Thanks Hk78, hadn't heard of that particular book by her, but both Beverley Engel and Susan Forward have written other excellent books on the subject that have been mentioned on the other thread.

That's very interesting. Sometimes feel am gas-lighted by everyone (though no one would know -- outwardly seem v confident).

But the lying and the conversation strategies.. very astute and a bit unnerving.

yes pages, i have seen 'toxic parents ' recommended, that's next on the reading list

(nothing like a bit of nice lightweight reading matter, eh?)

i'm slowly realising that i have, in fact, married my parents, iyswim. i think that's quite common isnt it, but i thought i was marrying someone completely different, how silly of me, lol

hk sometimes i feel the same way
except i think i've married HIS mother not mine

lol stuffitall, why do we all make the same mistakes but we all think we're being different

i live my life in an aura of disapproving sighs

i mean everything's great, i'm very lucky etc etc

but y'know

ah, but at least disapproving sighs aren't total silence

don't let 'em grind you down!

have strategies now!

a. brightest smile
b. cheeriest voice
c. internal fantasy of drinking champagne

they sort of go round me now like those diagrams of wind resistance on a car

hk78, I think we are always attracted to what we know even if it is subtle and not immediately apparent on the surface. Both DH and I had/have traits of my parents. But the good thing is that with the insight you have you may be able to break the mould in your current relationship. I know that mine has just changed beyond belief. I think both DH and I at times gaslighted each other, both of us having been wounded as children, we both had that need to preserve our self-esteem by always being right and winning an argument for example. I had 8 months of counselling and even though he didn't, my own changes have had a huge impact on him.