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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Inappropriate comments - how to deal with it?

13 replies

boymum9 · 28/10/2022 13:57

My ex husband and I split 4 years ago, I do have previous threads about his behaviour from quite a while back but haven't posted for some time!

We are still not divorced as he's delayed the process every step of the way, so it's obviously been really taking its toll!

He has always been very sexually inappropriate, it was one of the reasons I no longer could stand to be with him, he can be vulgar and rude and seems to have no filter when it comes to sexual comments. Over the past 4 years I've ranged to bringing him up on it saying it's not appropriate, to now ignoring it and using the "grey rock" method, but it doesn't stop.

He makes sexual comments about me, insinuates things about me and my partner of 3 years. He sent me a message the other day asking if I wanted a piece of furniture (from our previously joint owned business) along with a photo. The photo didn't come through properly so I asked him to send again, he said "it's a photo of my penis... JOKE" the photo came through before that reply had and so I replied saying "no thank you, I have no space for it" and his reply was "oh I know somewhere you can put it..." referring to his "joke". This kind of thing happens all the time! I ignored it and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. But I know it'll only be a matter of time before he does it again.

I don't know what to do at this point! We have two young children together.

OP posts:

SpinningFloppa · 28/10/2022 15:27

Stop speaking to him unless it’s about the kids?

Name99 · 28/10/2022 15:31

Block him on everything, set up an email address with your new partners name and tell him you both have access to it and tell him all communication goes through that and that only

Original poster

boymum9 · 28/10/2022 17:29

@SpinningFloppa I do as a general rule only talk to him about the kids but it's him that will always contact me regarding other things, should I just ignore when he does?

@Name99 that in theory is a great idea, but my partner and I don't live together and really live quite separate lives right now (mainly due to my ex and how he's been with us both, but we are now making moves in a more positive direction!)

OP posts:

Name99 · 28/10/2022 17:32

boymum9 · 28/10/2022 17:29

@SpinningFloppa I do as a general rule only talk to him about the kids but it's him that will always contact me regarding other things, should I just ignore when he does?

Just lie to him then
Set it up and tell him it's going to be seen by your partner, you access it alone
Should stop him
I had to do something similar with my ex, just the threat of his shit being opened by someone else will make him think twice

Brigante9 · 28/10/2022 17:37

Create a new email and only use it to make contact arrangements. Cc your mum into every email, make sure he knows she will be copied in. Block him on WhatsApp unless he has the kids. He sounds very juvenile.

PrestonNorthHen · 28/10/2022 17:39

There are communication apps used in cases like this, sorry can't remember the names but all content can be viewed in court, 3rd parties/ mediators can have access.
Some of them " check tone" so useful with this type of thing or aggressive messages.
Should put him off.

Natty13 · 28/10/2022 17:48

There are apps you can use to communicate regarding the children. They were designed for high conflict or otherwise difficult situations where one or both parents can't be trusted to behave appropriately.

My friend had to block her ex everywhere and the judge wrote in the court order they could only communicate via the app and both their lawyers would be on it too to monitor what he was saying. They used "our family wizard" and im pretty sure he had to pay the fee because it was him who couldn't communicate appropriately but there are free ones.

Name99 · 28/10/2022 17:54

He will continue as long as you let him
You just have to shut it down

DatingDinosaur · 28/10/2022 18:25

"it's a photo of my penis... JOKE"

My reply would be “that’s appropriate – you are both a knob and a joke”

In your shoes, I would wait a couple of hours to reply then ask if he’s re-sent the picture of the furniture because you haven’t received it yet, and make no reference to his smut.

Definitely don’t give him any future ammunition with comments like “I have nowhere to put it”.

Would you like some of my perimenopause hormones? My non-filtered response would be “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE WILL YOU GROW UP AND GET THERAPY FOR YOUR CHILDISH INAPPROPRIATE SEX OBSESSION”

How old are your children? Are they of an age where it would be perfectly feasible to say one of them got hold of your phone and asked what a penis is?
You could follow that up with asking him to knock the smut talk on the head so it doesn’t happen again.

Given that you’ve asked him to rein it in and he’s ignored that, I doubt you’ll change him, so just don the armour plating, tut and roll your eyes, and keep your conversations “professional”. Maybe in 20 years he’ll get the hint

Original poster

boymum9 · 28/10/2022 19:35

@DatingDinosaur Maybe 20 years!

Yes the ammunition of "I have nowhere to put it" would have definitely not been something I'd have put but I'd sent it before he made the penis comment! I think we sent messages at the same time and so as that sent he made the comment! Afterwards I ignored it and made no comment.

Our children are 5 and 7 so young but eldest old enough to read and question.

He seems to still feel like he has complete ownership over me, he was very emotionally abusive and controlling, but still even after legal involvement he seems to think he has done no wrong really, it's quite a difficult situation to be in but I am seeing a therapist.

OP posts:

DosCervezas · 28/10/2022 23:06

Your last comment supports my initial thoughts. These are messages of ownership, control and manipulation. They are not juvenile pranks. They must stop if you are to have any chance of moving on with your life .
Look into the apps others have suggested.

Watchkeys · 28/10/2022 23:14

He seems to still feel like he has complete ownership over me

Do you agree with him? Or is he irrelevant? How important are his comments to you? How much do you respect his opinion?

Or, phrased differently, do you actually give a shit what he says, or can you just totally ignore it? Does it make any difference to anything, what he says?

ThingsIhavelearnt · 28/10/2022 23:39

Do not get him to go through a 3 rd party. Take control not lose control.

I would get a solicitor to send him some screenshots of the sexual messages and ask him to cease and desist from all sexual references, personal comments, and any reference to you or your children except access arrangements. Set up a new phone to do this and give him the number - cheap for text and phone calls only with the children. But nothing else - block him on everything else. Tell your solicitor to write in the lesson that any further derogatory or personal remarks with or without a sexual element will result in an immediate report to the police. Ask the court for a non molestation order citing evidence of screenshots of messages and make sure it knows that they are causing ‘alarm and offence’ in the original letter.

report each and every activity to the police and do not engage with any of it / no nasty replies so scarasm etc always always think your messages are going to go before a judge.

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