LD relationship and crush on someone else

[ChangingNameJustForToday]

Hi everyone, NC as I am afraid this post will be outing if combined with my posting history.

I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now. We met and got together when we both lived in London, but I had to move to Berlin for work shortly after getting together and he moved (also for a job) to another European capital shortly afterwards. I am 34 and he is 39. The relationship is good and we love each other, but at the moment it doesn't seem like we will be able to live together anytime soon as both careers keep us in our current cities. We see each other 1/2 times a month.

Recently I met someone through friends and I think I am developing a huge crush for him. Nothing inappropriate has happened, but I keep thinking and fantasizing about him. I wonder what kind of relationship I could have with someone who lives near me. I suspect the guy is attracted to me too (based on body language) but again, nothing has happened so I don't know.

I feel very torn. I have invested so much in my current relationship, I still love him, he is a good man and I do feel like we could build a great life together if we managed to reunite geographically. At the same time I wonder if pursuing a relationship with someone near me would be a better choice for my life and my future? Is it wise to stay in a LDR for years and years with no concrete plans to reunite? Am I wasting my life away living from weekend gateway to weekend gateway? Surely developing a crush for someone else means that I am not as emotionally invested in this relationship as I used to be?

What do you think, wise mumsnetters?

What do you want for your future? Marriage, kids? You're 34, so the children issue needs careful consideration if you want them.

I am still undecided on kids, which I appreciate essentially means that I likely won't have any.

Are you feeling loneliness?

If your needs have changed, and your current relationship doesn’t fit you anymore, you can get out. Sounds like you’re just not on same page anymore

Just a question... If you and your boyfriend really love each other, why aren't you/haven't you made plans to actually be together full time? You don't have anything holding you back in terms of one of your relocating aside from getting a new job, which you may not have to do if you can work remotely.

Not really, I have made lots of good friends here and have a good life. Until I met Crush Man I was feeling fine really. The emotions that he has stirred in me have been an alarm bell that is making me reconsider things.

We both have demanding successful careers that don't allow for too much WFH unfortunately. We can work remotely on the occasional day here and there, but we need to be based in the office primarily.

Sorry but if you both really loved each, as two single adults, you’d find a way….. I think it’s pretty telling that neither of you have made it happen.

Well, they do say - if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.

Seriously, though, it strikes me that a difficulty you have with your current relationship is that you’ve been long distance more or less the whole time. You don’t really know how it will go if and when you’re able to live in one place and as you say there are no imminent plans to do so.

Many LDRs that I’ve known of over the years (including mine from a few decades ago) petered out over time. One friend lived in a different country from her husband for some years and their relationship fell apart some years after they started living in one place, largely because with full-time living together, they came to realise they weren’t that compatible.

That said, depending on how long you’re in Berlin perhaps you would end up in the same position with the new guy. And you presumably don’t currently know that much about him. But I agree that he probably wouldn’t be of such interest to you at what is still a relatively early stage in your LDR if you were still as committed to that as you have previously been. With my LDR, which was when I was in my 20s, it was growing interest in other men which was my biggest clue to move on and although I was actually the one that ended the relationship, I think my ex was not far off feeling the same way.

It’s a tough one. Good luck deciding.

“Sorry but if you both really loved each, as two single adults, you’d find a way….. I think it’s pretty telling that neither of you have made it happen.”

I think this is probably true.

Exactly. Something about this relationship isn't quite "there."

I don't think this relationship is really working for you anymore, if you've had your head turned and are fantasizing about life with someone else then there's obviously something missing and you need to either work out how you can be together properly or end it. Whether the other guy reciprocates feelings or not is neither here nor there.

I'm a little over 2 years in a LDR. For various reasons early this year we took some time apart. During that time I went on a couple of dates with a really lovely guy who lived much closer to me. I could definitely see something developing and think we could have had a wonderful relationship.

But when it came down to it it wasn't him I wanted. I knew i would take the challenges of a LDR and not seeing him as much as we wanted over having a 'normal' relationship with anyone one else. There was really no question in my mind.

I also think its weird that neither of you is willing to change jobs. If youre so in love that would be the obvious solution 🤷🏻‍♀️