Attraction and libido, 20-year relationship

[BeetBoxer]

I am struggling hugely with a lack of attraction to my partner. I'm in my late 30s, he's early 40s, and we have two children (3 and 5 years old).

But, my libido is reasonably high in that I masturbate fairly regularly. Probably once a day on average. And I am a massive daydreamer about other men.

This is becoming a big problem for me, and I'm sure for my partner too. I dread sex with him and I just feel so sad when we do sleep together, as I really struggle to feel any enjoyment or sexual connection with him, even though I'm longing for good sex. I am starting to feel incredibly sad that I may never feel a strong sexual connection. He tries to initiate almost every day and must be feeling rejected. (We sleep together about once a week.)

Any advice from anyone else who's been in this situation? Could this be hormonal / perimenopause, and if so how do I get through it?

Other context:

He's my first/only boyfriend or partner. We've been together nearly 20 years, and we were friends before that. I have never felt strongly attracted to him but I guess my previous more youthful sexual appetite, in combination with him being a good friend, kept us reasonably content and connected - up to now.

He's generally a good, intelligent person and I feel so guilty that I can't get past this so far. He's very loyal and we generally share the same values, although we are quite different in sense of humour and how we like to spend our time. He wants to please me. I'm sure other women could find him attractive, there's nothing 'wrong' with him. But it's not just a question of spicing things up - we've tried various things on those lines. It feels more fundamental.

There have been some other minor issues with him being lazy but (after a few complaints from me) he has pulled up his socks. So that isn't an ongoing problem.

I am so worried about what this means for our relationship and for our children. I know there won't be easy answers and I barely even know what questions I'm asking! But I'm really hoping someone might help!

I don't really understand why you don't teach your partner what works for you? Can he not masturbate you for instance?

It sounds like you just don't fancy him anymore. It happened to me with a partner, I was turned off by his face above me, also I suddenly realized the sex was bad.

At late thirties it's highly, highly unlikely that you're going through menopause or perimenopause (also, you're horny, it's not like you've lost your libido, you've just lost it for him.)

What can happen in you're late 30s/early 40s is a kind of 'midlife crisis' where you realize what you're missing sexually and that life is short, you need to grab it with both hands.

I don’t know how to name change.

You’ve perfectly explained the stage I’m at.

OP, I could’ve written your post. I love my dh so much and we do have regular sex, but I have to shut my eyes and imagine my latest crush. That sounds absolutely awful and I’ve always felt ashamed for feeling this way. I just don’t fancy him. Not sure I ever have. We don’t click sexually. We please each other, but there’s definitely something missing, always has been.

He is a great looking man, great body, great personality, just zero chemistry between us. Friends always comment about how perfect we are together which has me recoil inside as there’s times I just can’t stand being around him. Aside from that minor detail ;), everything else is perfect. It’s hard. Don’t know what to do.

Sorry for hijacking. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

@Aussiegirl123456 What is it that's a turn off in your case, do you think? Does he have a small knob or not macho enough or...?

My ex had health issues and ED/premature issues that meant penetrative sex was bad. Unreliable or non existent erections and then if I was lucky, ejaculation within a few minutes. Usually he had to use a hollow, vibrating strap on as he couldn't get much of an erection. There's quite an age difference, too.

I suddenly remembered what decent sex was like (penetrative sex for as long as possible is important to me) so then I had to try and get some.

I mean, really we should see sex as a mutual giving to our spouses (or as a Catholic convert that's what I now believe.) But the World has spoilt us.

I am an atheist, but there is definitely a wisdom to that attitude.

OP, I hate to say it but that once you are at this stage it is very difficult to get sexual attraction back. It seems to me that you are playing out your unhappiness with your partner through sex. Why not try therapy. Even sex therapy?

I was the same as you, but I left.

I was the same as you, but I left.

@ThatEdgyFeeling How're you finding it in this new stage of your life?

I had some hot sex with some bellends for a couple of months. But had enough of that and been single for 3 years now lol. No regrets about splitting with my ex though, lovely guy and still my best friend but I just don't feel that way about him.

For me, he just isn’t my type. There hasn’t ever been a real attraction from me towards him, but I was young when I got with him, everyone I knew said they fancied him, so I just thought the issue was me. I just ended up going with the flow. He is conveniently so attractive but there is zero chemistry between us. I crave those butterflies.

Because he’s such a wonderful person, I love him for who he is. He’s an amazing husband and dad. I remember speaking to my mum before my wedding, wondering if I was doing the right thing because I felt this way. She told me that he’s a great man, looks fade but personality doesn’t etc and that he was a great catch and that an attraction can grow blah blah blah.

So I was always lead to believe that chemistry isn’t important. I think it is. I don’t regret marrying him for a second but man I crave that chemistry and it’s so so hard when you meet someone and find that chemistry but can’t ever act on it.

He also has premature ejaculation issues. I think the longest he’s ever lasted has been about 90 seconds. So that is a whole other kettle of fish. Credit where it’s due though, he does make sure I’m sorted first. But I crave to just be f*ed so I can enjoy it. The every second I usually begin to enjoy myself is when he finishes. It’s frustrating. He won’t see anyone about it as in his mind, everything is ok because every has sorted me out first.

I always felt like everything will be ok but right now I’m really contemplating what to do. I just hope I don’t do something I’ll later regret. So so hard.

Wise words

Wise words

The every second I usually begin to enjoy myself is when he finishes. It’s frustrating. He won’t see anyone about it as in his mind, everything is ok because every has sorted me out first.

@Aussiegirl123456 Have you told him how you feel, that you want decent penetrative sex that lasts? I think there are techniques he can learn. One of the best lovers I ever had supposedly used to have PE but he dealt with it by studying tantric sex........

he was an older guy, too.

I think we could all be getting each other worked up. 😂

Haha.

Yeah I have told him. He just says that he knows it’s a problem and that’s why he ensures I’m sorted out first. Fair call. We’ve tried a few techniques over the years but nothing seems to work. I was even tempted at one stage (like when I was very early 20’s) to get a picture of his mum or something and make him look at it just before he came so it’d delay the inevitable. 😈

OP- I also struggled with a lack of sexual attraction to my now ex DH. There were a lot of other problems in the relationship though which doesn't sound like the case for you. Like you, I got together with him when I was young and we clicked on a friend level very strongly. I had my heart broken by someone before that who I massively fancied so I think I saw my lack of woo woo as a sign it was a safe relationship. Big mistake.

I realised a couple of years after we married that I didn't like kissing him. Then I started fantasising about other men and that continued for the 18 years we were together. I never had lustful thoughts about him ever, even though he was attractive and charming. But sex was technically ok in that I would almost always orgasm and he was never selfish in bed. He also had a PE problem which made me feel inhibited at times since he'd not want me to move or touch him if it was going to set him off.

We never talked about these issues though partly because he was very closed off about it but also because I may have inadvertently revealed my indifference to him.

Ultimately sex didn't matter much to him so he didn't care that the frequency dwindled to almost nothing. I think that was part of the issue too, I never felt that he really enjoyed my body or found me sexy, although he would say he did.

Now I am with a new partner whom I fancy like mad and it's opened my eyes to what I was missing. I remember thinking that a part of me was shrivelling from lack of nourishment (not literally because I would masturbate regularly.) also I'd read about how those first few months or years you are together you rip each other's clothes off blah blah and I would think really? Could that be true??

I don't really have any advice but since your relationship otherwise sounds good sex therapy may well help you to see him another way? Ultimately though sexual attraction is very important because it fosters emotional intimacy and sustains the relationship.

@Aussiegirl123456 Has he tried "sorting himself out" first in advance, like an hour or two beforehand, to see whether he would then last longer with you?

Yep. Many times. Just didn’t seem to make a difference. Perhaps added an extra five seconds.

The poster above who said that she had a partner who didn’t want her to move or touch him in case it set him off; that resonates with me.

Sorry OP, I really do apologise for hijacking your thread. X

I feel for you, been there, done that. I don’t think I ever really fancied my ex either, and I think he knew that. I mean I turned him down a few times when he first asked me out. But he lost weight, changed his appearance and was committed to chasing me and I think I mistook a good friendship for a relationship. No passion ever really there and although we split for other reasons in the end it didn’t help of course. Who wants to have sex with someone they don’t fancy? I was single for many years after it ended, but have recently been on a few dates with an ex colleague and I fancy the pants off him, makes a massive difference to have that desire! Counting down to dinner at his next week! 😉

I had a couple of years of flings and false starts, mostly with younger guys. But great sex.

I then met my DP, we are the same age and the sex has been wild. We live together now. That is in early blending stages, so some issues, but overall I am much happier.

This is my situation. I am in the late 30s with a small child. I think I definitely lacked self-awareness because I also kept telling myself that chemistry is not important. That was due to a neglectful childhood and low self esteem. It has taken becoming immensely attracted to someone else and him moving away that I have realised that my marriage is not healthy. I am planning to end it after Christmas as I can no longer life this misery. I feel like I am dying inside. We literally have no sex whatsoever. I wish I did not bring the child into this dynamic though:(

He just says that he knows it’s a problem and that’s why he ensures I’m sorted out first. Fair call.

@Aussiegirl123456 Not really. Anything other than PIV isn't the same if you like PIV. So he should make more of an effort to improve that to satisfy you.

I was even tempted at one stage (like when I was very early 20’s) to get a picture of his mum or something and make him look at it just before he came so it’d delay the inevitable.

Supposedly my ex used to think of nuns (but not kinky ones.) It didn't work, though.

Has he tried "sorting himself out" first in advance, like an hour or two beforehand,

@MoonbeamsGlittering That's a good point, or maybe immediately before then have a short rest (whatever suits him.)