How can I help?

[Twirlyhoo]

I'm feeling a little low today and I can't help feeling a bit cross/resentful towards my DH.

We've had some time off work this week and DS has been in childcare for some of it. We've had some nice days out but it's been pretty tiring. I am the decision maker as my DH is just too exhausted to suggest anything most of the time. He's quite easy going though and generally ok to do what I want to do.

I'm just going with the flow today at the end of a nice and busy week and it's honestly kind of depressing. DH is complaining about everything (we went to the shop this morning) and everyone else was 'in the way' or 'driving badly.' Our 2 year old nearly fell of the sofa just a moment ago and DH grabbed him before he fell and really shouted at him. I understand it's because he was scared but I gently said 'its ok, it was only an accident' before he stormed out of the room.

We've been together 12 years since we were really young and he's growing into such a grumpy man.

I've toyed with asking DH what he'd like to do this weekend before he goes back go his physically demanding job on Monday but I just know he'll see this as some sort of task, for him to actually think about what he'd like to do.

I totally understand how knackered he is all of the time but he's still being so moody after a week off. I feel like snapping sometimes 'i work full time too!' but I realise it's not the same - I have a fairly nice office job.

My own mental health isn't fantastic but I'm fairly good at thinking before I speak. Today however, when I'm trying to hold back my frustration, DH is constantly asking if I'm ok and sulking when I say yes. I'm just being a bit quieter.

We still have childcare to sort for next week (our working patterns are a bit unpredictable and we have to sort everything week by week for the couple of days our DS isn't at nursery). We always ask his parents first as the least flexible and my parents pick up what's left. I have to gently remind him to do this so I can get in touch with my parents asap and every time i'm left feeling like I'm nagging and today is no exception.

I realise there's alot going on here and I haven't expressed it particularly well but does anyone have any experience with feeling like they're in this kind of rut? I'm sure the answer is communication but I'm not sure how to approach the subject. Any ideas would be appreciated.

You say you already know you need to communicate more. This does sound like a problem that you can maybe both work on.

You say "I'm fairly good at thinking before I speak. Today however, when I'm trying to hold back my frustration, DH is constantly asking if I'm ok and sulking when I say yes. I'm just being a bit quieter."

From what you've said, it sounds as if he is unhappy too, and trying to open a conversation about it. You're saying everything's fine when it's not. That sounds like the first thing that has to change. It could be helpful for him to know you're feeling low and upset.

Perhaps you could start by thinking about what the most important thing is that you want him to do. Maybe you could work out a system to arrange childcare so you don't have to nag him? (Shared calendar reminders on your phones that show whose turn it is to arrange it?) Or ask him to work this out?

If you work out what would help practically, first, then maybe you'll both have headspace to talk about any remaining deeper issues.

Good luck. You both sound a bit unhappy and that's a hard cycle to lift yourself out of, but I'm sure you can do it! He sounds willing to talk which is a good start.

Something I found useful is to get a bit of paper in some time alone, then write down up to 3 bullet points things that you liked about today, one or two that you didn't like, and then write down something you could have done differently. Really helps to use your logical brain and to focus on your own contribution to the situation. But still it's a positive exercise over all.
You don't have to do it every day, but you can dip in and out.
You can do it in a book or you can throw them away as soon as you finish writing one.
Good luck!

It’s not you, it’s your miserable husband. Even if he got another job he’d be still grumpy, miserable and sulking. He’s had a week off and he’s sulking still. You do realise that sulking is an example of emotional abuse.

Why is all the decision making left to you solely?. Why was he allowed to seemingly opt out?. Making decisions is part of being an adult, he seems like a man child in this respect. And you’re not nagging him so stop using that word too.

You are not responsible for him and he is no role model for your son because he could grow up to be the self same as dad. These sorts of me can and do give spaghetti head to any unfortunate spouse on the receiving end.

Whats he like to and with people in the outside world or his parents?.

Look at his parents OP, is he repeating a parent’s behaviour?.

Thanks everyone. I just find myself treading on eggshells constantly and honestly life just doesn't seem very fun. That sounds silly as I know life doesn't always need to be fun, but I think it's pretty easy to look for joy in mundane moments. Silly voices when playing with DS, racing home down the street, carving pumpkins, letting DS run wherever he wants in wide open spaces, having a bit of cake after tea - it all seems such an effort with DH and more like I'm an annoyance.

it all seems such an effort with DH and more like I'm an annoyance

Thats exactly what I'd say to him, 'DH you treat me like an annoyance rather than your wife and it's making me unhappy. I'm worried there will come a point when my unhappiness outweighs the way I feel about you so it needs to stop before it destroys our marriage'.

But this is something he needs to fix, it's pointless you trying to find resolutions because it's him with the problem. Focus on your own life and happiness and detach from the sulking, he can either make the necessary changes or wait for you to fall out of love with him (and you will eventually) because he treats you like an annoyance and refuses to participate in adult life/decisions, his choice