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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage over - feel like I'll always be in this amount of pain

15 replies

Forevermermaid · 27/10/2022 23:30

It's almost four months since my husband told me our marriage was over and four weeks since he moved out.
Right from the start it was clear there was going back for him - he bought a house rather than rented, stopped all physical contact the day he told me and has told me he no longer loves me.
I posted on here at the time and it was suggested there was OW - well of course everyone was right. What makes it worse is that the OW was someone very close to me...it feels like a double betrayal.
I'm doing everything I should be doing - having counselling, talking to amazing family and friends, trying to keep busy and focusing on my two DC. Even on holiday with them at the moment.
But the pain of it seems to be getting worse, not better. I feel like I'll go mad with it. I'd never take him back and I can now a lot of things I accepted over our 20 odd years together were not right - my boundaries will be rock solid in the future!
But it's the total rejection, the total lack of care that's the real killer. I keep being told I'm strong and yes, there have been times, moments where I have been happy or at least not so distraught. But right now I just don't ever see how this type of raw grief will ever end.
Does anyone have any wise suggestions or positive stories? I feel like I've lost hope of ever getting over this.

OP posts:

NormaTheWife · 27/10/2022 23:41

You will learn to live with this but it may take a long time - I won't lie. He is acting like this - distant - as he has to or he will feel too guilty about it all. He has to cast someone as the bad person and that will be you. I went through this too and OW was a family friend and you are right - it makes it even worse. It really does just take time - you evolving in your new normal while dealing with all the divorce arrangements. Take this time to wise up about divorce and what you are entitled to.Mine was a 28 year marriage and I just wanted to die. I didn't and I am now happily remarried and far happier than I ever was with my ex.

Bedazzled22 · 27/10/2022 23:50

Im sorry you are going through it - it is awful
and takes time. Worse when OW is someone you know! When it happened to me I thought I couldnt get over it - I didnt want to in a way, but I did and I was a stronger better person for it. Sometimes it feels one step forward and two back. You will get there. Exercise is great for getting rid of emotional turnoil in your stomach. He’s being distant because he feels guilty. Make sure you know what you are entitled to financially. Enjoy the joy of your DCs.

Ratherperplexed · 28/10/2022 00:17

So very sorry, it's tough, really tough. Sadly many of us know betrayal only too well. It's almost a physical pain inside. You will get stronger and also better at pushing the feelings of utter sadness away.

Try to keep busy and make plans for you and your DC as this will take your mind off matters. Take each day at a time.

Respect for you OP. A double whammy that OW is with someone you know. Just tell yourself you are better off without him and all the drama. As for her, what has she gained? A cheater and by the sounds of it an extremely callous and low life man lacking in integrity. Hard to believe now but I expect in the long run it will be you thriving not them. Relationships built on the pain of others never work out and the novelty will soon wear off for them

Enjoy your holiday and give it your all for your DC. All the best.💐

Whatabambam · 29/10/2022 12:07

You are still very early in the process of recovery OP, I think you need to show yourself some kindness and not put unreasonable expectations on yourself.

You have been blindsided by your husband's betrayal and this will rock your entire world view including how you view yourself, your self worth, your history together and your changed future. I think you will go through multiple different emotions from grief, shock, anger and pain but they will ease with time. Keep busy and surround yourself with people who have your back xxx

Dery · 29/10/2022 12:16

Agree with PPs - it’s still early days and you’ve suffered a double betrayal which makes it harder.

You will get to a place of relative peace and indifference about this but it will be a while yet so don’t burden yourself with unrealistic expectations. Look after you. Focus on things you enjoy. Reach out for support. You will get there - you just need more time.

Neverfeltpainlikeit · 29/10/2022 12:20

I’m going through this too, I feel sick, can’t eat, sleep and am just about holding myself together for the sake of my children

I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this, I hope time heals x

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/10/2022 12:23

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I went through the same. It was the worst experience of my life. It took me a long time to recover and I am sure I'll always be scarred but I've managed to build a life with my kids and we're ok. You will be too. It's just time and it sucks. Keep up with the counselling, that literally saved my life

Menopants · 29/10/2022 12:25

I had this a year ago and yes it’s fucking awful. A year on I would be happy if I never saw his wizened grey face again and am enjoying being without him. He’s a cunt you are not . I wish there was a pill to take away the pain for you. Be really good to yourself make lots of plans. After the terrible sick feeling and pain comes the anger which is a bit more fun and after that you will feel a lot more like yourself. One warning at some point he will want to come back. It’s up to you what you do at that point but my advice is to tell him to go fuck himself.

big hugs to you. You deserve so much better.

Original poster

Forevermermaid · 30/10/2022 23:47

Thank you all so much for your comments, you've no idea how helpful and supportive it is to know that others really get it - although of course I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone!

There is absolutely no bloody way I'd ever take the knob back! Although there's always no way he would ever try to - he is so cold and distant and seems like he actually despises me. He's also very happy in his new life by all accounts.

In the short time that it's been I can already see that we probably had grown apart - and if it had genuinely just been that, I think it would have a lot easier. It just hurts so fucking much that there is a OW and that person is someone who I know (and my kids know) so well! I wish I could stop thinking about them together - but as you all say, it's such early days. I'm longing for a time when I feel totally indifferent about him!

OP posts:

PersonIrresponsible · 30/10/2022 23:52

The pain was real for a long time. The depression that kicks in around four-six months later also sucks.

I got a lot from reading "Runaway Husbands". Some people get upright again in a year or so. It took me much longer. I've changed a lot in the intervening years. Wild horses could not drag me back.

Good luck and be so, so kind to yourself.

chocolateandtea123 · 30/10/2022 23:56

Time is a healer. It will hurt a lot and you will have your days where it just feels so unbearable. But he's done you a favour and taken out the trash himself. Just keep doing what you're doing. Focusing on your kids, spending time with l

chocolateandtea123 · 30/10/2022 23:58

Posted too soon. Spending time with loved ones and doing things you enjoy. It's a process but you'll get there. Good luck with your healing

Tallisimo · 31/10/2022 00:03

Early days, OP, early day. It does get better, I promise you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things like spending time with family and friends, but it is only natural that after 20-odd years, the emotions are going to be raw. Hang in there, you will get through this.

happygertie · 31/10/2022 00:13

Try to reassure yourself that she has ended up with a cheater meaning she will never be able to really trust him. She will never be able to reassure herself with the words "my partners not like that, he wouldn't cheat" any slight suspicious behaviour on his part and she will become a paranoid reck because she knows what he is capable of! And that is exactly what she deserves and he deserves a future of failed relationships because they won't be built on trust. You will definitely get over him, and you with thrive without him.

Musti · 31/10/2022 03:23

I’m sorry op, being cheated on and a relationship ending is really tough.

Write yourself a list of everything you disliked about him, what he has said and done over the years that you hate/disliked.

Write down how you felt being with someone when you had grown apart from them.

Keep reading what you’ve written.

Be kind to yourself, treat yourself.

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