Shit, We've run our course after nearly 30 years

[HotSauceCommittee]

We are finally on holiday abroad together without our teenagers.
DH has shushed me, slid his eyes away and ignored me too many times without our kids acting as distraction buffers.
I am unhappy. He is nice. We have always had a laugh. He's done the responsible stuff, I do the holidays and high days: the fun stuff. I do work full time in a demanding public sector job, which is like a hobby to DH's intellectual academic heights z
I think I am a pain in the arse to him and he would like it if I was quiet and kept the status quo that he was happy with.
I've raised this tonight, and I am either the angry one all the time (so exhausting) or I can't be arsed and don't make enough effort.
Which is it? I am not angry although it does suit DH for me to be.
I have the menopause, I can't carry it anymore, nor do I want to.
I want levity. I want a bounce back to conversation. We've had an horrific year, really horrible, including a break down for me with months off work. Evening
Meals were still cooked by me, otherwise it would have been a faff and a guilt trip.
I want to laugh now, throw it all off and he, the person I used to know, just isn't there anymore.
We have both changed and I don't recognise either of us anymore.
Has anyone else been there?

No experience but you sound very clear about what you want and optimistic about a future apart. Good for you 💐

Would a trial separation be a possibility? So you can have some breathing space and time to finalise what you'd like to do.

I'm in a very similar situation with my DW.

I believe we've run our course as well. It feels like a good way to describe it.

I've no regrets. Our kids are wonderful and we held it together for a long time. But now without the kids around the tide has gone out and the shipwrecks are visible. I think it must be a very common problem.

I'm worried I will have major regrets in 10 or 20 years if I don't do something soon. I find it hard to admit, but I just know the most likely outcome is that I bimble along, making the best of it for the sake of everyone else but me.

I'm so worried I'd upset the kids and wider family, and of course the financial hit to us all. Not to mention that OLD sounds like a nightmare from what I read here, but I guess that's the least of the problem. It just feels so selfish to put myself first after having put the family first for so long.

A trial separation sounds like a good idea actually. Might be a good way to really search my feelings. Do people really try that? Is it just a stop on a one-way ticket to divorce or can it give people the space to recognise each other again?

I had to post as everything you said resonated so much with me. I have been married for 22years and made the decision to leave around six months ago. My children are 17 and 19 and I have now left the family home, eldest is away at University.

I will not lie to you, the fall out is immense. My eldest is supportive, but the youngest found it hard. Like you, we had grown so far apart and this really shows so much as the children start to lead more independent lives. You realise that what you have is cemented only in the children, no love, no affection, tenderness or even interest. It is very painful coming to terms with that, but we have had no intimacy or affection for years. Like you, I know I could not go on like this.

To be honest, I am now starting to thrive. I am enjoying my more independent life, exploring who I am again without his influence and disapproval. I have even dipped into online dating and have had positive experiences so far.

People will always have something to say, but you are living your life and you really only get one. Think about what you want and you will survive the upheaval if you do decide to separate.

All the best op

I don't know OP but I've seen so many women, mostly from the generation before us, decide to stick it out and be miserable, because it feels safer than the unknown. Only to be ditched when the man has his inevitable mid-life crisis affair.

I think that it is silly to stay together if you no longer make each other happy.

But as people suggested, maybe do a trial separation? It may either make you realise that it is the right decision or you’ll find that you miss each other and rekindle your relationship.

Marking place as I can see this being us in 10
years (DC are primary age now). Relationship consists mostly of discussing DC or items from the to do list. Or anodyne comments about the weather or garden FFS. I need more. DH is very work focused and doesn’t see a problem.

I think I'd just like more space for now. My own bedroom would partially solve the problem.
I can't quite get my head around a trial separation as it's only just hit me. The realisation is very fresh.
I do love DH, but as we know, the doesn't surmount all problems.
If I could just withdraw, do less of the running and my pathetic attempts at trying to make our lives fun, it would take the pressure off while I see what happens.

I am in exactly the same situation, but this has been coming for a few years.
I asked to end it a year ago, but we’re still here, two people living in the same house but in different rooms.
We don’t chat, sit in the same room, nothing. No love, affection, nothing. I can’t remember how many years it is since we had sex, and I don’t want to even hold his hand. He’s a lovely, kind man, but we’ve grown apart.
I’d be in financial trouble if we split, and id be very lonely, but I can’t live like this. And I can’t see a way back.

Hoe long ago was your illness? Could you still be recovering?

All marriages go through ups and downs and a major illness, especially after it has passed can be hard work.

If these feelings are recent it might be worth exploring counselling. It could be you are both stuck in a rut and talking it through can help. It also can help clarify that you have reached the end. It can also help you work through how horrific the year was and the impact that has had on everyone.

Did you have any shared goals for retirement/ the future? Are they still an option?

Good luck whatever you decide.

I think it's very common.

Out of our group of around ten couples we have socialised with over the years, five have divorced/separated in the last two years. All long term relationships.

Personally, we are still together and have some common interests, but I wouldn't say we are happy. We don't really argue, and still have a laugh sometimes but we have separate rooms now, and if money was no object I would prefer to live apart. I'm constantly weighing up the pros and cons of splitting up!

My favourite aunt is stuck in a marriage she should have left 20 years ago when they’d fallen out of love but still tolerated each other. Now they are both ailing, and don’t feel they can leave each other but they hate each other. It’s awful.

They’ve been married for 45 years.

Happened to me. I left when DCs were young adults. Best thing I could have done - I'm thriving with fun and new interests and just sheer pleasure at life alone, he's happier not being "nagged" to be different; we are super friends now, meet once a week or more to walk and talk, or eat. We text most days. He's now my absolute best friend and I adore him as that. Neither of us are remotely interested in any new romances (dear god who could be bothered with that!). I'm just sad our DCs had the somewhat miserable stressed parents, rather than these independent and happy parents.

@HMSSophia - that’s exactly how I’d like to be, friends living apart.